Page 81 of Olivia's Only Pretending
It was spontaneous and out of my element.
Victor takes a step back. “Hmmm.”
I snuck a glance back up. “I’m not saying no. Tonight was just … a lot. It was big. I need to think on it.”
He shook his head. “Okay. You’ve got my number.” He walked down the porch steps.
I watched him go for a beat before letting myself inside my house. I rested my head against the door, burying my face in my hands. The leather of his jacket creaked. All I could smell was him.
What are my next steps here?
Someone knocked at my door.
I opened it up to Victor standing there, hands on the door frame, gaze anguished. “Why are we treading water?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are we treading water when we’re supposed to be together?” He sounded frustrated, nearly angry.
“How do you know we’re supposed to be together?” I crossed my arms, feeling emotional whiplash that we were even having this conversation. Last night, another kiss felt like a disaster I was intent on avoiding. “How can you be so sure?”
“Hasn’t it felt good to let our guards down a little? To finally act on our feelings? To stop pretending there’s not something more here.” Victor took a step closer to me. His arms were on either side of me on the doorframe. I could wrap my arms around his waist.
“But this isn’t reality, Victor,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “These past few weeks, we’ve been living in a fantasy. That isn’t the nitty gritty of a relationship. We haven’t had to deal with the hard stuff—the real stuff. We have to think about what therealus looks like.”
“Why can’t this be reality?” he said, his eyes ablaze. “We decide our reality. I choose this.I choose you. I want you to be my reality. I want you to be my whole world.”
I shook my head. “Reality is how different we are. I have this demanding job, and I’ve had my heart broken too many times to let it happen again. And you … you’re still figuring life out. You’ve never even been in a serious relationship?—"
“I’m serious about you.Our relationship is serious to me.” His voice was sharp but hurting. “Living in a fantasy? None of it was fake for me. Nothing I said, nothing I did. Every word, every look, every touch has been agonizingly, torturously real for me.” He exhaled, his arms dropping. “Sure, maybe it started for your coworkers, but for me … I just wanted a reason to finally call you mine. To finally pull you close.”
My heart was throbbing in my chest. Tears stung my eyes. “It felt real for me, too. I didn’t have to act at all,” I admitted, pausing for a moment. “But …”
He stepped closer to me. “But you’re afraid of me,” he whispered. He swallowed. “Afraid I’m too much of a hot young buck?”
I snickered despite myself, shaking my head. Leave it to Victor to make me laugh in the middle of this emotional conversation.
He placed his hands around my face, lifting my chin toward him. “You don’t have to be afraid, though. I’m in this for real, Liv.”
“Victor, you just matter so much to me, and our relationship, I want to handle it delicately.” I took a shaky breath. “I can’t let us break it. I want to handle it with care. I’m sorry. I need us to press pause. To think it through. It’s just how my brain works.”How my heart works.
“I like you and your brain. If you need me to go through the Olivia system of checks and balances, I’ll do it. But I’ll ace it and then finally get to call you minefor real.” He kissed my forehead.
“So, we can press pause?”
He nodded. “We can do whatever you need, Olivia. I’ll give you some space.”
I stood in the doorway, watching as he turned and took a few steps across my veranda. The porch light was a spotlight on him. He stopped for a second, standing still, his hand on his chest, and turned to look at me. He opened his mouth to say something.
I stood up taller, intent. I wanted to hear whatever he might say.
Then, he shook his head, never mind. He continued down my porch steps.
He left me standing in the doorway, watching as he drove off in his truck.
I sat in my doorway, my back against the door, knees to my chest, cheeks wet. How’d I go from a preliminary first real datewith Victor to crying in my doorway, terrified we might make a mistake? And why, when my heart saidgrab him, pull him in closer,did my mouth ask for space?
Twenty-Four
