Page 64 of Olivia's Only Pretending
“Plus, it’ll be pretty funny.” Gracie grinned. She was always in it for the laughs.
“Well, I’ll be there,” I said. “This guy better be another sweet one like Jeff.”
“So, how’d Jeff seem during charades? Was he fun? I feel like I missed a big chunk of the night,” Gracie said, her eyes on the sidewalk.
“Yeah, that seemed like a long phone call. Is everything okay?” Lucy said, pulling her hoodie tighter around her waist.
“Yeah, it wasn’t an emergency or anything,” Gracie said. She licked her lips, squinting as if she were weighing something in her mind. Maybe her next words. “It was Austin.”
Austin. That answered all my questions. Austin and Gracie talking might not be an emergency, but it was always a big, miserable mess. Every single time.
“Are you two …” I let the sentence trail off. I thought part of me didn’t even want to say his name out loud.
“Sort of,” she said, shoulders up to her ears. “We’re talking again. Tentatively.”
Lucy was being uncharacteristically quiet. I shot her a glance.
“Tentatively is probably good.” I nodded. “Last time …” Last time, Gracie had called me in tears. Last time, Austin had called it off after disappearing on her for two weeks. Last time, she’d said she wouldn’t let him treat her like that ever again.
“Last time, he was in a weird place. He wasn’t prepared for a real commitment. He was busy with school and wanted to enjoy his freedom,” Gracie said.
“Enjoy his freedom? Being with you, Gracie Rhodes, is the real joy. The biggest, brightest joy, and he’s dumber than I thought if he thinks there’s anything more fun than being with you!” Lucy burst out.
Gracie half smiled, half groaned—touched but frustrated, that unique emotion sisters tended to bring out.
“What makes you think he’s out of that weird place?” I asked.
“We’re almost done with school, so I think the freedom thing isn’t such an issue …” she said, her voice growing smaller with every word. “Plus, he said he was tired of fighting his feelings. What the two of us have … we can’t turn it off.”
The sun hid behind a cloud, offering a respite of shade overhead.
Lucy asked, “What do you feel for each other?”
Gracie sighed. “Drawn to each other. I think about him all the time. He said he can’t get me out of his head. I mean, it feels impossible not to answer my phone when he calls, even after everything.”
I chewed on my lip. “I get that you can’t turn feelings off.”
“So, you have feelings for each other. And those feelings probably feel good sometimes,” Lucy started.
“And sometimes feel like agony.” Gracie laughed.
“But how doeshemake you feel? Not how do your feelings for him feel, but how does Austin make you feel?” Lucy asked.
It was quiet, except for our footsteps hitting the cement and the river streaming beside us. No one else was on the sidewalk for a few moments, just the three of us mulling over Lucy’s question.
“It’s hard to answer that question, you know?” Gracie mumbled. “He’s made me feel a lot of things. Our history has made me feel good and bad and crazy and sad and high.”
“But do the good feelings outweigh the bad?” I asked.
“Because relationships aren’t solely about what you feel for the person,” Lucy said.
“It’s also about how the person makes you feel, especially about yourself. How your relationship with them makes you feel. Adam has made me feel a lot of things, but primarily good things. He makes me feel hilarious, beautiful, worth sticking around for, interesting, smart, strong. Our relationship makes me feel braver, safer. Sure, sometimes Adam makes me feel pissed off. But, primarily, like Olivia asked, the good outweighs the bad.”
Gracie swallowed. “Is this some intervention or something? Did y’all plan this?” Her voice was shaky.
“No, no.” I grabbed her hand. “This was super unplanned.”
She pushed out her bottom lip. “I hate that you asked me this,” she said, her head turning to Lucy. “Because mostly, if Ithink about it, Austin makes me feel like I’m lucky to have his attention, lucky if he calls me back, and if I don’t do enough, if I can’tbeenough, I could lose it in an instant.”
