Page 80 of Hack
Carter wiped his arm across his face, not caring that it came away wet and smeared with stuff he didn't even want to think about. "I thought this would change things. I thought it would be easier." He brought his knees to his chest again, wrapping his arms around them as he started to rock back and forth again. "It was supposed to make this easier."
"The pain of losing them?" Archer asked.
Carter nodded. He'd thought bringing justice would help make dealing with their loss easier. That it would bring closure, but all it had done was open the wound deeper, bringing back the pain from when he'd first lost them. Hell, the pain now was worse than it had been then. Not only had it not made him feel better, now that he stared at the graves, he doubted they'd be proud of what he'd done.
He was losing his mind.
"Pain like you've got doesn't just go away. It's always going to be part of you. It eases some with time. It isn't always in the front of your mind, but it's always going to be there. It will sneak back when you least expect it. Certain things will trigger it, bring the memories forward, and make you feel like you lost them again. There is no cure for the pain." Archer's voice was low, almost a whisper.
"This made it worse. I thought that killing him would make it end." Carter's eyes burned and were heavy from the amount he'd been crying.
Archer said nothing, but he moved slightly, taking his arm, and placing it around Carter's shoulder, drawing him against him. "Tell me about them. What were Beth and Angel like?"
The question shocked him. He'd expected some speech about how time would heal or some shit. He never dreamed that Archer would want to hear stories about his wife and daughter. Angel maybe, but why would he want to hear about Beth when it was clear that she still held his heart? There had to be some jealousy, didn't there? Carter looked at the graves, trying to think what he should talk about. There were so many special moments, but as he thought about it, he found those weren't what were most important to him. What he wanted to share were the times that weren't a huge part of their lives, but simply just little things that he remembered. The first time Angel felt the grass, the first time he'd changed her diaper, the first time she'd called him Daddy.
Unable to keep the memories back, he started talking, letting the simple things come out, stuff he never dreamed of sharing with anyone. Hell, they were things that really should only matter to him. Not stuff Archer would care about.
Yet, he listened.
Archer listened to everything he had to say, and once Carter started talking about his family, he couldn't stop. He laughed through more tears as he remembered stupid things that he hadn't thought meant anything when they happened, but now, with them gone, meant everything.
He'd never told anyone a lot of the things he talked about. Honestly, they probably didn't matter to anyone but him, still, Archer listened, nodding, and smiling in just the right places, and Carter was sure that if asked a year from now what they'd talked about, Archer would remember.
It wasn't until the cemetery's caretaker pulled up on a small motorized cart and told them the gates would be closing in fifteen minutes that Carter realized how long he'd been talking.
"Thanks." Archer smiled at the man before they both watched him speed off.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to keep you here all day." Carter rubbed his hands down his pant legs.
"Where else would I go?" Archer asked.
Carter blew out a long breath. "They kicked me out last night too. I slept outside the gate until they opened this morning."
Archer didn't look shocked. "How about tonight, we go to my place? It's only a short drive from here. If you want to come back in the morning, I'll bring you back. You can get a change of clothes and some food. Maybe a shower if you want."
Carter stared at the graves, feeling like if he left, he was letting go of them forever. He sighed, knowing he couldn't spend another night outside the gate. The cops would be called eventually, and that was the last thing he needed to deal with right now.
"I'm not here to take you back home to California. I'm being serious. My house is twenty minutes away. I've got an extra car there you can use. You can come and go all you want. I'll stay out of your way. If you need time, take it, but at least let me and the team know you're safe, okay?" Archer stood and held out his hand. "Come home with me for the night."
Carter nodded, even though every part of him wanted to stay with Beth and Angel. He took Archer's hand, letting him pull him up. His pants were wet from the grass, and his legs sore and stiff, but he ignored the discomfort as he walked over and put his hand on the two gravestones. "I love you both." He closed his eyes, imagining them arm in arm as they smiled at him.
With a heavy sigh, he turned back to Archer. "Thank you."
"You have nothing to thank me for. Come on." He nodded to a car that was parked along the side of the narrow cemetery road. "I don't have food at the house yet, so we'll grab something on the way for tonight, and tomorrow I can go shopping."
"I don't want to be in your way." Carter followed him to the car.
"You won't be. The house is plenty big. I'm going to work on a few cases that I've gotten calls for, and take care of some stuff around the house I've put off, but you're free to come and go as you like. Hide out if you want. No one will bother you." Archer opened the passenger door of the car for Carter. "I'm going to text Bryon and let him know I found you and you're safe, but beyond that, any contact with them will be your choice. You let them know what you want them to know."
Carter nodded. "Thanks. Right now, I don't want to talk to any of them. Let them know I'm safe and will be in touch when I'm ready, but for now, I just need some time."
"And that's okay." Archer shut the door once Carter was seated and went around to get in the driver's side.
Carter looked out the window, staring over the grass where the graves were. "You know, I hated this place. For so long, I couldn't come here. It was too hard. Now, it's hard to leave. I feel like I'm leaving them. I'm supposed to care for them, and how can I do that if I'm not here with them?" God, was he losing his mind? His words made no sense, yet it was how he felt. Leaving them physically hurt.
"It's only for a few hours. You need to eat and get some sleep so you stay strong. They understand." Archer smiled. "They've always understood, Carter."
It felt like there was more meaning to Archer's words than he was grasping at the moment, but he was too tired and drained to think about it. He rested his head against the window and closed his eyes. "I want McDonald's Chicken Nuggets. They were Angel's favorite." He remembered how she'd always beg to go there.
"Of course." Archer started the car. "You ready to go?"
Carter nodded. "Yeah."
As Archer pulled away, Carter kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to watch the distance between him and his family grow. Somehow, he needed to get his head right and work through whatever this shit was that was suddenly overwhelming him, but it was as if he was losing his wife and daughter all over again. The pain was just as strong, the sadness all-consuming.
He was so tired.
The car hadn't even left the cemetery before sleep started to overtake him.
