Page 95 of Free
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
D sat on the balcony watching as the sun started to rise. He hadn't slept at all, his mind racing with too many thoughts and emotions to allow him to shut down long enough to rest. Confusion filled him as he tried to sort out everything. He'd spent the last few hours replaying his past in his mind. He'd thought about everything, the good, the bad, the painful stuff.
Up until the abuse started, he'd had a good life. His parents weren't horrible. He had friends with much stricter parents. He never wanted for anything. Somehow, even with their simple jobs, his parents had always provided for him. It wasn't until the abuse started that he hated going home, hated being around them.
After leaving home, he hadn't really allowed himself to think about his life with his parents. He'd thought about it a bit when Xander and he had planned revenge on their parents, but after that fell through and he'd joined the team, he'd shoved the memories deep into the back of his mind and wouldn't let them come forward. The pain was too much when they did, and he was afraid of what he would do if he was forced to face the memories and the hurt head on. Sex was a crutch, but there were times in the early years where he'd leaned on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
He glanced up as the sliding glass door opened and Faith walked out. She frowned at him. "Why are you up so early?"
He smiled. "Haven't been to bed yet. Why are you up?"
"I'm always up early. I think my body is just used to getting up for school. I can't sleep in." She sat down beside him. "You okay? You look like you've been crying."
He had been, but he didn't like that she could tell. "I had some thinking to do."
"About the team?" she asked.
"No. For once, it's not about the team. It's about my past." He glanced over at her. "Before the team. Before I met Xander."
"Xander won't talk about his life before he went in the Army." Faith shrugged.
"I don't either."
"Was it that bad?" She asked.
"I say I won't talk about it, but you ask me questions about it?" He smirked.
She laughed. "Sorry."
"It was both good and bad. I think that's why I'm having problems tonight thinking about it all. Xander told me he'd found out my dad died, and that made me start remembering everything."
"It can be hard at times. I remember my mom a lot, but that sometimes hurts. I miss her so much, but I don't tell Dad. He's happy now with Xander."
D leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs. "That doesn't mean he doesn't miss your mom too. There's enough room in his heart to love both."
"I know." She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "I'm sorry your dad died. I've never heard you talk about them before."
"I don't. They weren't nice, at least not when I last saw them. Before, when I was really young, they were good parents, but not so much when I got older. I left home as soon as I could."
"I'm sorry." Faith's eyes filled with sympathy. "Were they mean?"
He nodded.
"Did you tell them how you feel?"
D glanced up, confused. "Why would I do that?"
Faith shrugged. "Cause, it helps. When I talked to Katie in therapy, she told me that I needed to tell the man who kidnapped me how I feel. Not in person or anything, but in my own head and heart. She said I was letting him take up space in my head by letting his memory be there. She told me to write a letter to my kidnapper and tell him how I feel, how he made me feel. She said to put all my fears and stuff in the letter, then tuck it away."
"Did it help?" D asked.
"I don't know. Sometimes. It felt good to say the things I wanted to scream at him, even if it was just on paper, but sometimes it still hurts. But it's something you could try. I had to write a letter not long ago. He was up for parole. Dad asked if I wanted to write the parole board a letter to tell them to keep him in prison. I put a lot of my feelings in that, and Dad and Xander said the parole board read it out loud when they went to the hearing, so he knows how I feel, if he was listening. I'm not sure he cares. He didn't care when he was hurting us."
"My parents didn't care when they were hurting me either." He sighed. "I think that's what is messing me up tonight. I should hate them for what they did, but then I remember the times they were nice, and then I get all confused. I should be glad he's dead."
"That's hard. With my kidnapper, there are no good memories. It's easy to hate him because he was never nice." Faith bit her lip for a second. "I'm lucky because I have all you guys. My dads and the team helped me get through the bad times, and Katie lets me talk about everything. That helps too. There's stuff I can't tell Dad."
D nodded. "I couldn't tell anyone either. Xander and Jeremy are the only ones I've told about it, but I think Xander told your Dad, and I'm sure Bryon knows. He knows everything somehow."
