Page 80 of For Cowgirls and Kings
He begs.His words gutting me.
He’s begging me…he’s begging me to use him—a King, begging a peasant to rule their kingdom.
THIRTY
ADALENE
February 23rd, 2025
A thousand possibilitiesrace through my mind—each one more outlandish than the one before it.Mateo’s on his knees.
Surely he doesn’t know what he’s offering me. Surely he doesn’t think I’ll offer myself to him,again,facing rejection because all we’ve ever been and will be, is friends. Surely he doesn’t expect me to risk our friendship—ruin our friendship—again. Last time we barely spoke for ten years, and right now, with everything falling apart in my life, I can’t lose him too.
The memory of propositioning myself to him all those years ago—and being rejected—which led to one of the worst nights of my young life plays on loop in my head.
His body shakes, a shiver racing down his spine, making his head rub dangerously between my bruised, tender, and nowachingbreasts.
What the fuck is happening?
“You don’t know what you’re saying. Get up, Mateo.”
His grip tightens, and a growl rips from his lips, muffled by my own body. “I do Dale. I know exactly what I’m saying.”
My heart kicks up, which as it’s already racing, feels impossible. It’s going to explode. “If you want to risk ruining ourfriendship, you’re going to have to be man enough to tell me—to take me—not wait for me to risk my neck. Not again. Not after you rejected me.”
I can’t believe I just said that, but even as they leave my lips, they feel slightly…untrue? Less than I need them to be? Not what I want? I don’t fucking know.
He groans once more, the sound so full of pain, I have to fight the overwhelming urge to reach out and comfort him. Does he even remember the way I had practically begged him to take me home? Does he remember why he didn’t?
Why didn’t he?
“I won’t take you, Dale. You have to take it for yourself, however you want, wherever you want. But if you’re looking for consent, or willingness to tread into these foreign waters together, know you have it from me. Know that you also have my desire, my want—my hopeless fucking need—to have you. Our friendship can stay rooted between us or it can burn to fucking ash, but it’s all up to you. I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll be whoever you need. You have the power and control over me—I think you always have.”
His eyes flash up at me, chocolate pools now darker and deeper than I’ve ever known them to be. I’ve always wanted a man to want me; more than that, I’ve always wantedthis manto want me. I’ve lain awake more nights than are right and proper, imagining how and why this opportunity would present itself. What I would want it to look like. What I would want it to feel and sound like. What I would want him to say, and do.
But nothing compares to this.
This moment, with Mateo—a King in every sense of the word—begging me to use him for my own pleasure, for my own needs, for my own healing. I feel drunk, and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in weeks.
“I don’t know how.” I hate the way my voice trembles.
His eyes glitter, a small smirk twisting his lips and if he wasn’t holding me up at this point, I’d be a puddle on the ground. “Yes you do. I know what you read, what you watch. I know you’ve imagined all kinds of things.” He pauses, searching my flushing face. “There are no right or wrong wants or desires. If you have someone you can trust, and who can trust you, anything’s possible. And I, Mateo Reyes, submit my mind, body, and soul to you, Adalene Mendes. I trust you. And I want you to share your darkest desires with me, even if I’m unworthy.”
Someone pinch me.Unworthy? There’s nothing about this man that could be unworthy. There’s no one who could possibly be worthy ofhim—most of all me.
Yet, I don’t have it in me anymore to hear my insecurities, at least not right now when his words are booming in my brain, and his hands are branded on my skin. I want him, and I don’t want to fight against it anymore.
I lick my lips, an action that has Mateo’s chest rumbling again, and heat coils low in my belly. He’s so responsive, so zeroed in on me and my motions. If I moved left, I honestly think he’d bend or break to follow me.
The power’s all-consuming.
“There will be rules,” I state, allowing the heady power to replace my earlier anger with no less heat. “One, you will tell me if, and when what I want makes you uncomfortable, unsatisfied, or unwanted.” My eyes pierce into his, and he nods. “Two, this can’t alter our daily lives. I still have to be Dale, your friend, and you have to be Mateo, my friend. I can’t lose the one person I talk to and trust with my fears and insecurities.” His eyes glisten, and I fight off the overwhelming urge to drop to my own knees and kiss him. But I have to get this out. He nods again. “Three, I reserve the right to add limits and expectations as we do…things. I have no idea what I do and don’t like.”
“Of course,” he whispers, his eyes growing more pleading.Like he’s waiting for me to sever the restraint like a noose between us.
“And four, we can’t fall for each other. This has to be a safe space, a place of learning, control, and release. If you’re agreeing to let me use you how I want and need, you’re also agreeing to let me go back to just friends, without the added benefits, whenever I need. I don’t need or want the extra weight of feelings added. I can’t, I don’t even know what or how to feel anymore.”
I stare at him, and he stares back at me, time all but standing still. The last, although the most painful, feels like the most important one. I can’t fear what’ll happen if this doesn’t work. I need more boundaries than that—more security. Even if it feels like I’m cutting my own heart from my body.
