Page 70 of For Cowgirls and Kings
In fact, I’ve only ever seen him angry once.And that time was my fault too.
I roll away, the shame too much to bear.
“Talk to me, Dale. Be sad, angry, hurt. Whatever you need, but don’t shut me out. Don’t shut us all out.”
I croak out the only words I know to say, “I’m sorry.”
It’s silent for several seconds, and if I didn’t feel the heat ofhis gaze boring into me, I’d think he left. And then he shuffles closer, his hand resting on the bed next to my hand—but not touching me.
Does he think I’m dirty? Disgusting?I don’t blame him.
“What could you possibly have to be sorry about?” He bites out the words, and I cringe.
I make a sweeping motion over my body, opening my mouth before closing it again.
“None of this is your fault,” he hisses, his hand shifting closer and I swear it feels like he’s quivering.
Fighting the shame, I turn to look at him. “Did I bring this on myself?”
His face screws into a look of confusion, before dropping, his eyes glittering with anger as they skate across my skin. “Never, Dale. You’ve never done anything to deserve this.” He bites his cheek, his eyes arresting mine, and then he hesitantly slips his hand around mine, gently squeezing. “You could never do anything to deserve this.”
Angry tears begin to fall unbidden past my eyes once more. “But in high school, when that guy?—”
Mateo’s hand flexes, a look of true horror crossing his features as the memory seems to fill his mind. “You didn’t do anything then to deserve what happened to you. Ever. And any asshole who made you feel that way, deserves a permanent place in hell. And groveling at your feet until he gets there.”
I can’t help the hysterical laugh that bubbles out of me. His words are so ridiculous, and yet his face is deadly serious. Even as I laugh, the sound hoarse and broken, his determination doesn’t slip. His hand squeezes tighter, like I’m the one holding him up, and he steps closer still, his eyes fixed on mine.
“If you’ve walked around for the last ten years, thinking that I thought that of you, Dale, I have even more to make up for than I thought. Not only does no one deserve that, but you—”His eyes are so full of heat, that I close my mouth, caught off guard.
This is not how I expected this to go.
Before I have the chance to say anything else, the door opens, and I can see Stetson’s head pop around Mateo’s shoulder. “Can we come in?” she whispers, and I feel the renewed ache of tears forming a lump in the back of my throat.
Mateo’s fingers flex once more, before he moves to step out of the way. But for whatever reason, I feel safe with him—maybe it’s the fact that I know he spent every day searching for me, omitting sleep even, according to Stetson. Or it’s the fact that even though I feel disgusting and abused, when he looks at me, I don’t feel so broken. Whatever it is, I clamp my own fingers around his, pulling his retreat to a stop. His eyes find mine, and then he nods, stepping behind me, but not out of the room.
Stetson, bless her, doesn’t comment, but instead rushes to the bed, her hands extended. Faith’s quick on her heels, tears already flowing over her bright red cheek bones, as she looks at me. They stop at the foot of the bed, clearly as lost for words as I feel.
“Pregnancy is turning you into a mush ball,” I state, indicating Stetson's worried face. Her expression instantly hardens, and Faith, bless her, sniffles, eyes widening in surprise.
“You’re not getting out of this that easily,” Stetson huffs, crossing her arms. The motion pulls her shirt tighter around her belly. I note how much bigger she looks, and I was only gone a few days.How’s that even possible?
“We were so worried about you,” Faith adds.
I shrug, the IV in my arm pulling taunt. “Well, I’m okay. Thank you guys for helping look for me, you didn’t have to.”
At that, Stetson and Faith’s faces twist into varying levels of frustration—Stetson’s blatantly angry, Faith’s hidden, but poorly. Guilt fires throughme instantly.
“Yes, we did” Stetson bites out, stepping around the bed to stand closer. “You don’t get to be the only friend who worries, who gets upset when something bad happens, who keeps all the hard things to themselves. We’re done doing that, Dale. You guys are my best friends, and I’ll fight anyone who stands in the way of that. You included, you stubborn bitch.”
Although there’s a bite to her words, I know them for what they are. Stetson isn’t good with confessing her feelings, but she’s damn good at showing up, fighting for what she believes and protecting those she loves.
And even if I feel like I don’t deserve it, I know I’m on top of that list. I nod, my fingers trembling as I reach out to her.
“I’ve been better.”
Stetson nods at that, resignation in her face. Faith moves up on the other side, her own hand trembling as she reaches for my free one. “We’re here for you. Every step of the way.”
I squeeze her hand back, looking down at my toes as I whisper, “What if I’m never the same?”
