Page 245 of Burn Bright
Knee-jerk reaction, I shake my head, but after a couple seconds, I begin to nod. I’ve always been able to do anything on my own, but given the chance of comfort over pain, of warmth over the freezing, brutal cold—I’d choose the relief of not being so alone.
So I choose Beckett’s company. Grateful he’s offering. He seems just as relieved I accepted. After I follow the instructions in privacy, he returns to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet lid to wait for the results. He leans up against the wall. My phone timer ticking down.
“I tried…” I gaze at the marble floor, gripping the sides of the toilet as I squeeze my legs together. Afraid to completely unravel again, but I can’t stop replaying the final moments with Ben in my apartment. “I tried to get him to stay. I think with sex…” I cringe at myself, furious with myself. “I told him to come inside me minutesbefore he walked out the door. But telling him I might be pregnant was a line I couldn’t cross? Having sex right before he left, that wastotallyfine though. Doable.” I confess more to the ground. It takes everything just to peer up at his expression.
Beckett has his skull pressed to the wall while he stares up at the ceiling. His face unreadable.
“If you think I’m too fucked up to be with your brother, I’d get it.” My stomach twists into a pretzel. “I’m not a good person.”
“You use sex to get what you want,” he says as his gaze descends like a feather to mine. Lightly, not even close to caustically. “We’ve known that since you tried to blow Charlie. We never thought it’d magically go away if you started dating our little brother. Neither did Ben.” He holds my gaze even softer. “None of us are striving to find perfect people with no baggage. We’re well-aware we all carry our own.” He glances painfully at the door. “Ben is gone. Isn’t that proof enough?”
I release my grip on the toilet, just to clutch my kneecaps. My body hurts as the loss ricochets through me.
“Bad people to me,” Beckett says in a soothing tone, “are the ones selling out my family to the media. Ones who wouldn’t care what happens to my brother. That’s not you. That has never been you. So, no, I don’t think you’re too fucked up to be with him.” He releases a weighted breath. “And I’m almost positive he wouldn’t have had sex with you before walking out the door.” His eyes grip mine. “Tell me he rejected you.”
“Don’t worry, he didn’t let it happen. He did the Cobalt chivalrous thing.”
“He did thecompassionatething.” Beckett straightens off the wall. “Charlie, Eliot, and I wouldn’t have done the same as Ben.”
“Oh so you would’ve fucked me and left,” I deadpan.
“Probably.”
My brows shoot up. Shocked he even answered, but Beckett is blunt as fuck.
“Our morals aren’t exactly on par with his. He’s one of the best guys you could’ve been with in your situation, Harriet, and you lifted something heavy off him these past few months. You two were good for each other.”
“Were,” I mutter, staring haunted at the floor. “We’re already in the past tense.” It’s a punch to the gut. I’m surprised I’m not bent over. “Everyone always leaves me in the end…” I trail off into the tense silence.
“I know Ben,” he says in the quiet, lifting my gaze to his. “He’s too selfless. He’s too altruistic. Too caring. The only reason he could’ve had the strength to abandon you was knowing you wouldn’t be abandoned—because you have us. And regardless of what that test says, I will be giving my brother his final wish for the rest of my life. I promise you that.”
I shake my head as tears roll. I wipe them roughly away. “Ben has given me too much. Even when he’s gone, he’s given me a family.”
“That’s my brother. That’s Pip,” Beckett says lovingly, fondly, sentimentally, as if he’s remembering years of time with him.
The timer beeps, and thenot pregnantresult doesn’t alleviate my paranoia like it should’ve. I’m numb to the fact that I won’t be dealing with a massive life decision.
Though Ben wouldn’t want me to, I would sacrifice everything to find him.
My grades.
Harold.
Tom’s offer to join the band.
I’d drop out of MVU tomorrow. Never become a doctor.
I would lose it all for him to come back. For him to be alive and safe. For him to not be alone in the wilderness forever.
55
HARRIET FISHER
It’s been three days. No signs of Ben.
No letters. No clouds in the sky spelling his name. No crumbs leading to his whereabouts. It’s all been dead-end after dead-end. His mom texts me every morning, every afternoon, calls me every night, asking if I’ve heardanything.
When I say no, she reassures me she will scour the entire earth for Ben. I believe her. She won’t rest until she finds her youngest boy, but how do you find someone that intended to never be found?
