Page 254 of Burn Bright
I intake a breath.
He continues, “The world needs butterflies, Pip. Even if they cause chaos. Think of the ecological damage without them. The world needs you. We needyou.” His plea burrows into me. “We’re going to get through this. I know it might feel impossible now, but it won’t in time. I’ll be right beside you.” Very strongly, he says, “N’en doute jamais.”Never doubt that.
I fist his leather jacket, bringing him into another hug, and I whisper, “Je n'ai jamais pu.”I never could.
When we pull back, I exhale powerfully, then twist toward the SUV and go still. My heart skips a beat.
“Is that…?” I start to say.
Harriet.
Harriet.
She’s standing outside the car in her oversized leather jacket. Her choppy blonde hair blowing around her soft, scowling face.
My feet move before my mind does. I’m dropping my duffel. I’m in a sprint. My long legs can’t pump fast enough. She’s clutching her elbows, and I sweep her rapidly for damage. Hurt that I may’ve caused. I left her. I haven’t spoken to her.
Four days.
I can’t fathom even an inch of her broken, and it’s tearing me apart with every step knowing this decision could’ve impacted her in ways I could not mentally stomach. I could not handle. I would not allow myself to think it for even a second.
Harriet lets go and opens her arms, reaching out for me with urgency—it almost brings me to my knees. I wrap my biceps around her frame, hugging her and lifting her up against my chest all at once. Her legs weave around me.
I press her closer. Feeling her deep inhale. Feeling the quickened beat of her heart. “Are you okay?” I ask, combing my hand through her hair. “You’re okay? I’m sorry. Harriet?—”
“Breathe,” she demands, her eyes flooding. “I just got you back, okay, you don’t need to hyperventilate on this tarmac. I don’t want to do CPR on you.”
I choke out what wants to be a laugh. But it sounds tortured. I sound fuckingripped open.“I need to know you’re okay.”
“I need to knowyou’reokay, Ben.” Her palms are on my face, slipping down my jaw like she’s ensuring this is real. If this is all in our heads, having Harriet in my arms is a fantasy I can’t split from. I skim her flushed cheeks, her shallow breathing…her puffy, bloodshot eyes.
She’s been crying a lot. Devastating pain gnaws at me from the inside.
I try to take slow breaths. I cup her jaw, my gaze diving into her turbulent ocean blues. “I haven’t been…” I can barely manage the words. “I haven’t been well, not mentally, and I’msorry I put you through all of this. Knowing I hurt you…over even the course of an hour let alone four fucking days, Harriet, is brutal for me. You didn’t deserve this.”
“You’reunwell,” she says strongly. “I could’ve done more?—”
“No,” I interject, stroking her hair as her chin quakes. I kiss the top of her head. “You couldn’t have.” In this moment, I don’t feel like I deserve her, but I want to be someone who does. I’m going to get better. I have to get better. For me, for her.
She glances up at the sky, then down to me. “I know I probably met you at the worst time in your life.”
“You didn’t. I think you met me exactly when I needed you.” I brush away her escaped tear, my other arm supporting her body, so we stay eye level. “If we started over, I would only rewind the last four days. I would’ve never left your apartment. I would’ve sat beside you and watchedThe Wild Robotand eaten pizza bites and held you in my arms all fucking night. I would’ve let you be there for me, and I hate that I couldn’t see that as the better path.”
She dries my wet jaw with her sleeves. “I was really worried. Losing you like this, Ben…” Her nose flares. “Maybe you’d never come back to me, but you were supposed to come back to them.” She flings an arm toward Charlie and Beckett behind me. “You could’ve been eaten by Smokey the Bear.”
I let out a small laugh. “I think it’s Smokey Bear. Does he eat people or warn against forest fires?”
“Then Bullwinkle.”
“The friendly moose?”
“You could’vedied,” she emphasizes, her agony slicing through me. “You would’ve—” Her voice cracks.
“I’m going to get help.” I hold her face tighter, and she nods faster as I repeat these words three times, solidifying them for myself too. “I won’t do this to you again, Fisher. I promise with everything in me.” I sound choked because I’m fucking crying. “Ipromise, I won’t leave you. I don’t think I could survive hurting you this badly again…but I can’t promise that I’ll always be okay.”
“No faith, Friend,” she tries to tease, but her voice is too hoarse.
I stroke my thumb against her cheek. “I think my odds have now increased with you here. I have faith in that.”
