Page 233 of Burn Bright
“I’m going to stop you for a fucking second.” He raises his hands like he’s cradling something fragile between us. “Your relationship with my daughter will never,everfucking impact my relationship with you—do you get that? I need you to understand that, all right? Because I am always right down the street. Always there, Ben. There will never be a fucking moment where I’m not, and if you need to walk through that door, walk through the door. Don’t turn around.”
My eyes burn because my relationship with him was impacted. But it wasn’t his own doing—it was mine.
“I’ve known the door was always open,” I say in a soft breath. “I knew you’d never shut it on me. It’s just how you are, Uncle Ryke.” I smile tearfully at him and inhale a colder stream of air to tamp down the sorrow. “I’d come over more, but I’m actually considering a change of pace.”
“Yeah?” He scrapes a hand over his unshaven jaw. “Like?”
“I might quit college. Go see more of the country.” I tip my head toward the landscape, but I keep my eyes on him. “I think maybe it’s just what I need. To get out and just breathe in the quiet. Live somewhere else with less noise.”
He rubs at his forehead, his mouth, his jaw again. “Alone?”
“You’ve done so many backpacking trips alone. You’ve rock climbed alone.”
“And the ones I’d never give back, the mountains I would kill to climb again, were the ones where I was never alone.” He extends an arm. “Look, I’m not the fucking one to talk aboutcaution.Your dad, I’m sure, will go over rash decisions after you just went through something emotional?—”
“It’s not about Audrey or the frat,” I cut in. “I’ve been thinking about this for months. It’s always been on the table.” It’s the truth. “I just think now’s a great time.”
“Because why?”
I dig my gloved hands into my jacket pockets. “Because.” My throat tries to close. “I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to leave Harriet if I stay any longer.”
“If it’s so fucking hard to leave your girlfriend, why do you want to?”
I don’t want to. I have to.I swallow a rock. “I need to do this for myself. I need to help myself first.”
This untenses some of his muscles. He seems to understand. “Who’s the one person you talk to that makes you want to wake up in the fucking morning?”
Harriet.I’m more torn up, and I can’t even say her name.
He sees, though. “Ben, if it’sher, really contemplate what you want to do next. Because life, this one fucking life you have, is worth living with the people you love. You could go to the most beautiful place on earth and be the loneliness fucking guy because she’s not there.”
I know I will be.
All I can do is nod. Before we descend the fire tower, he cups the back of my head, bringing me closer, and I hug my uncle in a strong, toughened embrace. Fortifying me for what’s to come.
Ifeel like my temperature is a million-degrees and climbing. One sneeze away from total destruction. So when I’m back at the apartment, I only say a few words to my brothers. Enough to diminish their worries. Then I shower, crash on the couch, and when I wake, most of them have left for work obligations. It’s Saturday night. They have performances.
Beckett, the ballet.
Eliot, the theatre.
Tom, meeting with his producer.
Charlie, no clue.
They know I’m heading to Harriet’s apartment around nine p.m. They know I’ll be with her late into the night, so it’s likely why no one cancels their plans. Plus, they’re aware I’d be pissed if they did that for me.
I have some time before I go to Harriet’s. I find myself on the rooftop of my brothers’ Hell’s Kitchen high-rise. It’s something I wanted to do, but never did. To look at the glittering skyline and city lights from the tallest point of the building.
No pool, patio, wet bar, or lounge chairs—the concrete roof just has some vent stacks, satellite dishes, cellular antennas, a couple empty beer cans, and cigarette butts. No one has escaped here for a smoke. It’s just me and the city I thought I hated.
New York.
Now I wish with everything in my soul I could stay.
I just can’t. I never really could.
The heavy door swings open, and I twist my head. Shock solidifies my joints at the sight ofXander.He seems equally stunned to find me here. His cellphone is in one hand, the screen aimed at his face like he’s on a video chat.
