Page 180 of Wild Like Us
“Sul?” I call back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She rests her chin on her knees. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Try us,” Banks replies.
“I just thought…” She exhales a heavier breath. “I just thought it’d be a powerful moment, beingup thereafter free-soloing.A spot my dad once free-soloed too, and it…it wasn’t. It was fucking lonely, more than any speed-climb I’ve done. And I guess I’m used to getting out of a pool after an achievement and being near people. Even running through a finish line, I can turn into another person’s arms—up there, I was justalone.” She says the word from her core, like it’s full of a cruel nothingness.
Like it’s worse than death.
I’m used to being on my own. More than Sulli or Banks. After my dad died and my mom left for New York, I just had myself to go home to.
Being alone isn’t an unfamiliar concept to me, but I’ve built my whole life around a team of men. Around protecting a girl 24/7.
Around people.
Banks and Sulli have never known life without companionship, and I’ve been constructing something close to that so I don’t have to go back to a life without it.
So I’m never really alone anymore.
She adds softly, “Maybe it’s because I put pressure on the free-solo tofeelsomething rather than look at the times and my speed. I don’t know…”
I swallow hard, her hurt pushing through my sternum. “It’s okay for things not to work out exactly how you planned,” I remind her. “I know it’s hard, but sometimes pivoting turns out better than you expect.”
“Like you did with security?” Sulli knows my goal wasn’t to be in security work. But my gym wasn’t an instant success, and I needed money and a backup plan.
Turns out the backup plan was almost better than the goal.
“Yep,” I say. “Just like me and security.”
Banks nods, then tells her, “Hang on to the moments you did enjoy. Fuck the rest.”
Her lips begin to lift a little. “I like that slogan. Fuck the fucking rest.” She leans back, crossing her legs on the seat. “The climb isn’t the only reason I’m bummed.”
I adjust my grip on the steering wheel. Tension stretching in the knowingness of the silence.
Red flush ascends her neck. “It’s over once we’re home, right? I have to choose.”
I nod slowly, my muscles stiff. “We can’t really keep up this bachelorette thing in the city, Sulli. People will figure it out.”
Banks adds, “I can’t keep a secret from my brother for that long.”
“Alright.” Her voice is small. “I’ll figure this out, I fucking promise. I’m not trying to string you guys along.”
We both assure her that we understand.
My muscles are tensed, palms sweating. How do I relax when I could be going home and losing her?
Bank runs a hand across his jaw, then his leg, looking back to Sulli. “Are you leaning one way or the other?”
“I mean,honestly, I go back and fucking forth all the time.” She covers her eyes. “And I just think, W.W.F.M.J.”
I make a face in the rearview. “What?”
Banks pops Skittles in his mouth. “What Would Farrow Moffy and Jane Do?”
“It’s missing aD,” I tell him.
She peeks out a smile. “No, it’sWise Words from Moffy and Jane.” She leans forward as Banks offers his pack of Skittles. She takes a handful of candy. “I think about what advice they’d give me if they knew what situation I’m in. I think Moffy would just ask me how I feel a lot, and Jane would tell me to make a Pros and Cons list.” She tosses Skittles back in her mouth.
