Page 79 of Charming Like Us
I recall what he said earlier,They can’t tell you who you are. The fact that they’re trying to says more about them than about you.
“That happened to you?” I ask him.
“I definitely felt pressure tobelongmy Freshman year of college.I overcompensated at first. My dorm room had rainbow flags, rainbow coasters, rainbow pillows—don’t get me wrong, I love rainbow, but not when it looks like a Care Bear took a shit in my dorm.” We laugh together, and he adds, “I still love drag shows. A lot of slang likerealnessandthrowingshadeoriginates from the drag community in the 80s. Especially from trans women of color.”
I nod, actually knowing this because of a documentary about New York’s ballroom scenes. “I’ve seenParis Is Burning. It’s one of my favorite documentaries.”
Oscar grins. “You have good taste, Long Beach.” He collects his thoughts. “What I’m trying to get at—you don’t need to have a dozen rainbow flags or attend drag shows. It doesn’t make you any less into men. We’re all human, and humans have different interests. You do you.”
It sets me more at ease knowing it’s okay if I don’t fit a “mold” of the perfect gay guy or bi guy or whatever-label-I-choose guy. That the label I pick isn’t just one type of person. All it defines is my sexuality. Not everything about who I am.
I inhale a bigger breath, and I think about coming out. To my family. And Jesse. And so I ask Oscar, “How’d your brother take you coming out?”
“He was only six,” he reminds me, “and Jo was even younger, so they’ve really always just known me as liking boys and girls.”
I nod again, my gaze falling to my hands.
“You nervous about coming out?” he asks me.
I start to shake my head, then shrug. “I don’t know. Changing the status quo on them feels like a big deal.” I take a pause. “I had always imagined my future with a wife, but my parents painted that picture with vivid colors. Especially my dad. He loved whenever I brought a girlfriend along to family trips.”
Oscar nods with understanding.
So I keep going. “My ex-girlfriend always hung out with my mom. She was another woman to talk to when my Lola wasn’t around. So it might not be easy for them to just burn my old future into the trash and replace it with a new one.” I let out a laugh. “It’s not like it’s been easy for me. So can I really expect it to be easy for them?”
“Yeah, they may need time,” Oscar says. “But hopefully they’ll adjust and love whatever new picture you paint. Just do what you do best and stay positive, Highland.”
I smile.
He studies my features. “What about your brother?”
“I doubt Jesse will care, but he might ask a lot of questions.”
“Runs in the family, huh?”
We both laugh. But mine fades as I realize, “I might just hold off until I’m ready.”
“Take your time,” Oscar says strongly. “No rush.”
I frown. “You’re okay with not telling anyone about you and me?”
“Yeah.” He takes a beat. “Look, I didn’t expect to go shouting to all my friends that I kissed you. Otherwise, that forces you to come out and I’m not doing that to you.”
My lip rises, eyes stinging. “Thanks.” I wish I could give him a definite time, not this ambiguity ofjust when I’m ready, Oscar. I’m a secret he’s about to keep, and as a long-time keeper of peoples’ secrets, I know it’s not always easy. It can take a toll.
Oscar just nods in reply, especially since I yawn into my bicep. He stands up. “It’s almost 6, and I’ve fucked with your sleep enough.” He grabs me a pillow and blanket from the closet. Tossing them to me, he says, “See you in the morning, Highland.”
I watch him climb up the stairs to the loft. “See you in the morning,” I call out. Even though I’m yawning up a storm, I don’t know how I’m going to fall asleep tonight.
He’s all I’m thinking about.
17
JACK HIGHLAND
“Jesse, concentrate.”I try to catch my brother’s wandering eyes while we separate our equipment.I trust him, I trust him, I trust him—that’s why he’s here among the famous ones and not some random friend of a friend camera operator.
He’s taking in our current location: Camp Calloway. Which he’s only ever seen on the docuseries or social media posts. The woodsy camp in the Poconos is fit for a Charity Fun Run today, hosted by H.M.C. Philanthropies.
