Page 87 of Headstrong Like Us
“Dad—”
“You can’t fix this.” His tone is stern, tensed. “You can’t change anything. Like your mom said, we’re dealing with your grandmother.”
“Are you going to relapse over this?” I ask.
His eyes go wide. “Have you forgotten everything I ever told you?”
I don’t know—that fucking hurts. “What?”
“I’m always going to be an addict,” he says. “I’m going to relapse one day—”
“I know that!” The room is a swirl of colors. I lose focus to the pain pulsing at every nerve-ending in my body. “You’ve told me that over and over. A thousand goddamn times.” He’s been sober for over twenty years.Twenty years.“But if you relapse, and I could have done something…”
My dad pulls away from my mom. Just to cross the room, and his hands rest on my shoulders. He’s searching my narrowed eyes, as though he’s hunting for the pain. Because I don’t cry.
I can’t.
“Listen to me,” he says. “You are not responsible for me, Moffy. If something happens to me, it’s going to be because ofme.Do you get that?”
I’m so cold.
I can’t even shake my head.
Do I burden him in this second? Do I tell him that I need him? That if something happens to him, it will kill me inside?
He continues, “There’s nothing you can do. You are a helpless bystander. You need to accept that.Please.” He touches my sharpened jaw.
I want to cry.
But I can’t.
He’s preparing me for a future I don’t want. I reject. He ends with, “You’ve gotta talk to my brother.” He leaves my side. “Promise me, you’ll talk to Ryke.”
Does Uncle Ryke know this pain?
Probably.
Even after agreeing and leaving the office, I still want to invite my grandmother. I want to seize the easy fix. But they don’t want me to. And I’m left with no solutions. Only to watch the car crash in front of me.
But I’m still the same guy.
Looking at the same metal walls.
And I’m ready to beat at them until my fists are bloody.
By the time I reenter the dining room, my siblings and Farrow are playing Uno, and glancing at the baby monitor, I see Ripley is still fast asleep upstairs in his crib.
“You want dealt in, Moffy?” Luna asks. “We can start over.”
Xander makes room for me, sliding his chair closer to Kinney, and she’s about to toss her cards into the pile for a re-shuffle.
“No, that’s okay. Maybe later.” I collect a few dirtied plates.
Farrow gives me the slowest once-over ever, and I feel his concern all over me.
“Anyone need anything from the kitchen?” I ask.
“No,” Kinney says flatly.
