Page 124 of The Good Girl Effect
My gaze meets my sister’s. I spot a hint of pity there, and pity is the last thing I want.
“Of course,” Nix replies before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.
My sister crosses her arms, and we stare at each other in silence.
“Jack…” she says softly.
“Not you too,” I groan as I run my fingers through my hair. “First our moms, then Phoenix, now you.”
“You want me to throw you a pity party because you have so many women in your life who care about you? Get over it.”
With a disgruntled sigh, I drop onto the chair and rub my hands over my face. Impending emotions rise to the surface, and to be honest, it frightens me. If I let them out, they could run me over like a stampede. I’m not sure I’d get back up from that.
Elizabeth sits on the bed across from me. “Cancer killed Emmaline, Jack. You know that.”
I let out a heavy breath as I lift my head. “Of course I know that.”
“Because it sounds like you’re blaming yourself, and that’s not true.”
“I know,” I mumble under my breath.
“I don’t think you do.”
Part of me realizes that I should be grateful that my sister is even talking to me. But the other part of me hates that it has to be under these circumstances.
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I’ve just…had a bad month.”
She stares back at me without responding, as if she’s not buying it. And she shouldn’t because it’s utter bullshit. I haven’t just had a bad month. I’ve had a bad few years. I’ve been running from my own pain for so long that I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s all I’m good at.
I didn’t just break up with Camille. That fight about the fucking letter and Emmaline was resolvable, but I didn’t give it a chance. What really happened is that I pushed her away becauseit was easier than facing the possibility that I could lose her the same way I lost Em.
As my sister stares at me, it’s like I’m in a losing battle against the truth. There is no lying to myself or running away anymore.
There’s just…feeling it.
Tears prick my eyes, and I grind my molars together to fight against them. But I’m so fucking tired of running and fighting that I start to let the pain win.
When the next three words leave my lips, it feels like tearing down the dam.
“I’m not fine.”
And that’s it. The painful prick of tears subsides when I finally let them fall.
I hold my hand over my brow to shield my face from her view. Each sob feels like being knocked over again and again. Everything hits me at once. Losing Emmaline, abandoning Bea, failing my sister, walking away from Camille. All of it.
When a soft hand lands on my shoulder, I look up to see Elizabeth crying too. Tears cascade across her cheeks, and I burst to my feet to pull her into a tight embrace. My tough-as-nails sister sobs into my T-shirt.
Holding each other, we both cry. And to my surprise, I’m not trampled by the emotion. In fact, once the tears subside, I find that I can finally take in a full breath. For the first time in years, I feel lighter.
I know it won’t last forever, but the weight of all that grief I was carrying for so long is finally gone. It will be back. I’m not naive. But for now, I’m going to savor this calm.
“I’m so sorry, Elizabeth.” I’m still holding her in a tight hug, and I don’t want to let go.
“I know you are,” she replies. “I’m sorry for being so hard on you. I know you were still grieving.”
“But I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
When she pulls away, glancing up into my eyes, she gives a sad shrug. “I was never alone.”
