Page 34 of The Wallflower's Choice
It was all because of her.
James stopped, rubbed one hand down his face again, and let out another long breath. This was not at all what he had wanted. He had never set out with the intention of letting his heart fill with a tenderness for the young lady his friend was to court. Yet, his heart had been so determined, it had dragged him to a new situation, and a new set of circumstances where the thought of stepping away from Lady Prudence, of seeing her wed to Lord Kingshill, made James feel almost physically unwell.
I must stop this.
The thought had him lifting his head, sharply. What did he mean by such a thing? Was it that he thought of stopping his own heart from continuing to build an affection for her? Or was it that he wanted to stop the connection between Lord Kingshill and Lady Prudence from growing?
Taking a deep breath, James set his shoulders and continued to walk through the park, his brow furrowing and his chin dropping forward. He did not know what it was that he meant. He did not even know what it was that he wanted. Myriad thoughts were plaguing his mind, tormenting him with every step he took. He could not be free of them… and perhaps did notwantto be free of them either.
“Oh, excuse me!”
James stumbled, his head lifting sharply as a figure darted to one side, barely missing knocking into him. He blinked, stopping in his walk as he turned, an apology ready on his lips. His head had been down, he had not looked ahead of him and mayhap, whoever this was had been doing the same and simply had not seen him approach.
“Forgive me, I–” A strangled sound came from his throat as he looked into the very face of the person he had been thinking about. “Lady Prudence! Whatever are you doing here?”
She glanced away from him before looking back again, appearing a little nervous.
“I was simply walking,” she said, softly. “Pray, do not tell anyone that you have seen me, for I ought to have a chaperone but… ” Her eyes closed for a moment. “I needed a few minutes alone.”
“I understand, and I would never say a word, I assure you.” Her eyes caught his and James smiled in what he hoped was a comforting way. “We find ourselves in the same situation, I think.”
Her eyebrows lifted, her curls dancing lightly at her temples.
“Oh?”
He nodded.
“I am walking in the hope of clearing the many thoughts which are presently running through my mind,” he said, quietly. “Might I surmise that this is your trouble also?”
She looked at him for a long moment before she nodded.
“Yes.”
“I see.”
Lady Prudence pressed her lips together, then spread out her hands.
“Might I ask what it is that you are thinking about? What it is that torments you so?”
A sudden fire lit up James’ heart and he snatched a breath, turning his head so that he did not have to look at her. A fierce hope began to burn through him, begging – nay, demanding – that he tell her the truth.
“Ah, Lady Prudence,” he said, softly, still unable to bring his gaze back to hers. “My thoughts, my tormenting, difficult, struggling thoughts, are centered on one thing and one thing alone.” With an effort, he forced himself to look back into her face, seeing the question in her green eyes. “My dear Lady Prudence, they are focused entirely upon you.”
Chapter Fifteen
Iam well and truly awake.
With a scowl, Prudence lay as still as she could, her eyes still closed but no sense of tiredness came to her. Instead, only wakefulness pursued, demanding that she rise and greet the day even though, to her mind, it was much too early.
This is foolishness,she told herself, firmly, keeping her eyes closed.I cannot ask Lord Childers to marry me instead of Lord Kingshill. That could make these difficult circumstances all the more intolerable.
After all that she and Miss Rockwell had discussed, Prudence had not been able to give herself even a single moment of rest. The thought of speaking to Lord Childers and asking ifhemight be the gentleman that she could wed, instead of Lord Kingswell, was both terrifying and wonderful at the same time. There was a great fear there, of course, a fear that Lord Childers would laugh at her and refuse her request, should she even have the courage to ask him such a thing but, at the same time, there was a great hope which continued to build within her heart. A hope that she would find a happiness which, thus far, had evaded her entirely, should she have the boldness to ask him such a thing.
But if I ask him and he refuses, then I shall be left with nothing but a broken heart and a deep, relentless pain that will never leave me. Is it worth asking him such a thing, knowing what might wait for me in his answer?
Sighing to herself, Prudence rose from her bed and dressed quickly, knowing that it was far too early for the maids to appear. The questions continued to buzz around her mind and though she tried to swat them away, they simply would not leave. There was an affection in her heart for Lord Childers, she knew, though she very much wished that it would take its leave of her! It did not do as she asked, nor as she hoped, however, but instead, continued to grow and press out into the very furthermost reaches of her heart. Was what Miss Rockwell said right? Was there a genuine interest in Lord Childers heart for her? Or was he simply doing as he felt he ought to do, given that he had made the arrangement for the match so far?
With another heartfelt sigh, Prudence splashed some water on her face and, after a few moments, went to the door. She stepped out carefully into the hallway, praying that no one would see her. Soon, the maid would come, and she would have to give an explanation – but she could simply say she had been in the gardens rather than out walking alone. On tiptoes, Prudence made her way out of doors, breathing in the crisp morning air and quickly making her way to the park.
