Page 33 of The Wallflower's Choice
“There is nothing different about me,” James stated, firmly. “You are mistaken there, I assure you.”
His friend spread out his hands.
“Then why so concerned about what thetonwill say or think?”
“Because… because I think you lack wisdom here,” James faltered, though he drew himself up to stand tall. “It is as though you care nothing for the lady, nor for the reputation which she will soon be tied to. Do you not think of the future? Do you not think of your heirs? Surely you will want the very best for them, and the very best means that you must think of all that you are doing at this present moment.”
“Pshaw!” Lord Kingshill flung up his hands. “You are speaking foolishness! You know very well that I am just as much a rogue as you, and that I have no intention of changing my ways. That is the very reason that you created this match between myself and Lady Prudence, so that I might continue in my ways without any worry or concern over my future. Now, however, it appears to me as though you are quite determined for me tochangeso that thetonand my bride-to-be – once we are betrothed – think better of me. That is very strange, my friend.”
“Mayhap I have seen things as they really are,” James answered, refusing to permit even the smallest murmur of affection for Lady Prudence to show in his voice or his expression. “Mayhap I have realized that there is more to our responsibilities than merely producing an heir.”
Lord Kingshill reeled back as though James had struck him.
“Do you mean to say that you, yourself, have determined to turn your back on all that we have enjoyed together these last few years? That you intend to become dull and staid?”
James waved a hand.
“No, of course not.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Pausing, James tried to find an answer, one that he could give which would satisfy his friend’s questions, but nothing came. Instead, he simply cleared his throat and shrugged, looking away from Lord Kingshill.
“I am not sure yet.”
“Goodness.” Lord Kingshill passed one hand over his eyes. “I did not think that such a thing would ever happen.” His hand fell to his side. “I did not think that I would ever see this. I did not think that I would ever witness my friend turning away from such enjoyments. You are determined, I think, to become a respectable gentleman rather than a scandalous one, and I wish I could understand why.” He shook his head. “Our friendship is altered forever now, I fear.”
“No, it is not.” James tried to cast aside all that had been said of him, tried to pretend that none of what his friend had stated was in the least bit true, but his heart told him otherwise. It held fast to Lady Prudence, telling him that the only reason he wanted to better himself, the only reason that he wanted to improve his character and his standing was because of her. He could not hide it from himself.
But I can hide it from him.
“Mayhap I have just become a little bored,” he stated, shrugging his shoulders lightly and looking away. “There is no excitement, no adventure any longer. I have ladies pursuingmenow, so I have never any requirement to chase after them.”
“So instead, you have determined that being a respectable fellow is better?” Lord Kingshill sneered, his eyes a little sharp, but James quickly nodded. “For whose benefit?”
“For my own,” James answered, clearly. “Now, you need not say that our friendship is at an end, or altered in any way, for we are still aligned in many ways. It does not mean that I am goingto change entirely, only that I am going to be a little more careful in whom I keep company with.”
“And you desire thatIshould become a little more respectable also, for some reason.”
“For Lady Prudence’s sake, yes.” Choosing to be honest, James held his friend’s gaze. “You cannot make the announcement when she is not present. It would not be fair to her – and she might well then decide to cancel the arrangement before you even begin courting!”
With a heavy sigh, Lord Kingshill shrugged his shoulders.
“Very well. I will wait until either she arrives, or we are at another social occasion together. There now, does that satisfy you?”
James tried to say yes, tried to feel a sense of pleasure and hope, but instead all there was within his heart was a great sense of dismay and disappointment. Yes, there was relief that no announcement was being made as yet, but that was not filling him with any sort of happiness. Could it be as Lord Kingshill said? Was he truly going to become dull and staid if he did not continue in his roguish ways? And what would happen when Lady Prudencedidmarry Lord Kingshill? Would he feel even the smallest gladness for them? Or would there be instead, as he feared, this very same disappointment and dismay which, in time, would grow to be the heaviest burden he had ever carried?
James meandered slowlythrough the park, walking along familiar paths but finding no happiness or peace of mind as he did so. The early morning meant that he had no other companions with him and there were very few others – if anyone – there but that was just as James wanted it. There was so muchon his mind, and in his heart, that he could not help but seek out some sort of respite.
The cool morning air did nothing to aid him in that. Neither did the soft morning birdsong, the sweet scent of the flowers in the air, or the beauty of the grounds that surrounded him.
His heart was too heavy for all of that.
Twice now, he had stopped Lord Kingshill from announcing that he was now courting Lady Prudence with the intention of it leading to a betrothal. Twice now, he had stepped forward and placed himself directly into the path of his friend, holding him back and making certain that what his friend hadwantedto say was not pronounced. Yes, he had told himself, he had wished to make quite certain that all went well as regards the betrothal, and that Lady Prudence was contented, but where had that desire come from? When he had first suggested Lord Kingshill, he had not cared a jot about the lady in question! Now, however, he found himself determined to take the best care of her that he could.
There was only one answer for that.
Dropping his head, James let out a long groan as he rubbed one hand over his eyes. There was a true, genuineaffectionin his heart for Lady Prudence and that, to him, was the very worst of things. How could he have let his heart feel such a thing as that? How could he have let himself become so close to her, so involved with her that he no longer wanted to behave in any sort of roguish manner? The time that she had witnessed him beckoning another young lady close – even though he had been rejected – had burned into his mind with such a fierceness, it was hard to even think of it without snatching in a breath. The mortification stung at his soul, even though he had done such a thing many a time before, without even the smallest hint of guilt.
