Page 94 of Antiletum
My head hangs for the briefest moment, the monument previously freed from my shoulders coming to settle back in, sinking roots deep in my spine. I nod, pulling my lip between my teeth. And finally, I stand to leave. The soft rustle of sheets beneath my knees, the creaking frame from my shuffling weight, it’s like a cry of loss, leaving my wife behind.
Because this time, I don’t plan on coming back.
24
My own chosen madness
Delaney
The doors to my half-moon balcony are thrown wide, inviting the late night breeze to wash over the balustrade and across my fevered skin.
Though it’s still stiflingly hot during the unforgiving hours of day, cool undertones of change lace the air: hints of autumn approaching like a reaper, a reminder that every single thing withers and dies. Seasons are no exception.
I stand in front of a full length mirror, inspecting the new, permanent changes to my body.
The salve Val gave me to heal my new piercings has long since lost its sheen, drying in the breeze that I welcome and crave like a hug. Miraculous, how quickly it worked. Same as it did on our lips before. When we tenderly cared for each other with quiet, shy smiles. Sharing a soft kiss before falling asleep wrapped around each other.
There’s no more discomfort. No redness or inflammation. Absolutely no pain when I brush my fingers over my nipples, my clit, revelling over the cool metal lodged in my flesh for the rest of my days. In truth, it sends a thrilling zip of pleasure through my whole body with the lightest touch.
My ever thoughtful husband.
Tell me to stop. Val’s words echo through my head like an omnipresent maelstrom, twisting together with another voice. Sending me back to a neglectedspirlinarythat I haven’t stepped foot inside of in a decade. Eviscerating the few scraps of myself that are left.
How could he have known that one simple sentence would affect me so thoroughly? Shatter the wall I’ve constructed between us. I would have given in to Val piercing my clit, just the same as the bars now speared through my nipples, even if he hadn’t uttered that agonizing plea in that particular tone.
Images of the past that I so badly want to plaster onto my present and future possessed me in that moment like a demon. My response to Val’s demand has broken me completely, fully giving in to the delusion of what I wish we were.
Rapidly, I swing away from my reflection to change. Needing to get away from these endless reminders of Val, intent on warping reality into a dream.
One I was never allowed to have.
No mind is paid to the plain black dress I drop over my head, the shoes I slip on my feet. Surroundings are a blur when my mechanical legs carry me through The Citadel, across the picturesque grounds, to the streets of Omnitas beyond.
Perhaps it’s foolish to wander the city alone and unprotected, especially at night. But I can’t bring myself to care about my own self preservation, or do anything but long for the smallspirlinaryI made a point to visit when I first arrived back in this wretched place, but was too cowardly to step inside. The one where my entire life came together, and where it ultimately fell apart.
Tell me to stop.
Val’s plea, the expression he wore, I can’t beat it out of my head. I can’t force wisps of the past back into their carefully constructed box. Their voices, so different but somehow exactly the same, replay faster and faster with every step, every winding street, every tall statue and carving of theNocturnelittered throughout Omnitas, watching over me like sentinels.
The glowing eyes of owls perched on top of buildings, amongst the trees, line my trek—almost as if they’re directing me where to go.
I’m unable to register the progression of time or the burning ache in my legs from my rush to reach my destination—like my heart might stop beating and my soul drift away if I don’t set foot in the sanctuary immediately.
The song of a barred owl accompanies me along the way, its melody reminiscent of a daytime mourning dove, their moniker much more fitting for my world at present. Again, my thoughts roam to Val, this time of him in his beautiful, dark barn owl form. My skin practically buzzes, wanting to feel his feathers brushing against me again, the same draw to my husband and his owl making too many things I swatted away before demand to click into place.
Rounding a corner, there the squat, dark stonespirlinarysits. Small and unassuming against many others, certainly in comparison to the veritable cathedral within The Citadel. Its appearance is just the same as it was recently; the same as it was ten years ago, tall weeds breaking through the stone path.
I cough a loud sob at the sight, drowning in bittersweet notes of nostalgia while I stagger my way towards it, not sure what epiphany I plan to find within its walls but knowing that Ihaveto go inside this time. Reconcile myself with the past and put it to rest. The door creaks open on rusty hinges, the must of neglect caressing my nose, the darkness within acting as a host.
I stop in my tracks. Frozen at the sight before me, the large form of a man sitting on a window bench, turned away from me to gaze outside. Falling forward, I brace myself on a column at the end of a row of pews. More thorns knot in my throat. I can scarcely breathe past them, tearing me apart from within.
“Delaney,” Val says—flat, emotionless,numb—still staring out the window.
As much as I wish I were, I’m not truly surprised to find him exactly where I was drawn to. I think deep down, I knew he’d be here all along. Waiting for me just the same as I’ve been searching for him.
“How did you know I would come here?” I ask, clinging to my crumbling denial like it’s the only thing I have left. Same as I clutch against the pillar keeping the ceiling from crashing on my head. “Who told you?”
Maybe Rainah made Val aware of my history with this place sometime in their years of knowing each other, despite our parents’ threats. Or one of the guards who shadowed me here told him. Other options are simply impossible. The chance that all the familiarity and similarities that my longing wanted to find within my husband weren’t a figment of my imagination at all is entirely unfeasible. I cannot accept it.
