Page 36 of Antiletum
Instinctively, my hand comes out to trace the edge of feathers against the black and brown owl’s wing. He allows it happily, making soft chittering noises of contentment in his throat, bobbing happily. Allows me to stroke his plumage for comfort while my mind races far faster than I would like for it to. More than I can keep up with.
What would it be like? What would Valledyn do if I cracked open his door and peeked inside; if I asked to enter? Is he even awake?
I can practically hear him say “Come in,ocellus,” in that soft, soothing rumble of his. I could ask him again what the name means. I could tell him how fiercely every part of me aches in my grief, longing for my sister. For my parents. Imperfect though they were, I never had anyone else. Maybe Val would tell me about mourning his own family, lost around the same time as mine.
I could tell him about the eyes like his that make me look to the past.
A wave of fury crests over my lungs. Maybe if we lived in a different world, neither of us would have had to hide our necromancy for any amount of time. We might have been able to find each other in a way that wasn’t warped with pain. We might have been able to choose different paths for ourselves entirely.
I’m on the verge of rising, of going to learn the answer to all these questions. Just enough alcohol is still soaking my blood to make this seem like an impossibly wonderful idea.
Until I remember Val telling me he has to leave in the morning and why. How he doesn’t often sleep. If he’s sleeping right now, I wouldn’t want to disturb him before departing for such an important meeting.
Instead of seeking solace in the arms of my husband, I chat with the owl. With my silent companion, I ruminate on all that could be with my husband while I allow said husband to rest.
Loneliness has been a constant companion for me, one that I’ve grown accustomed to, one that I’ve dwelled demurelywith for so long. The consequences for trying to stretch those confinements ran too deep, caused too much heartache. But there have been a handful of souls whose company was so kindred, so pleasant, so craved, it’s made me feel less alone.
And this owl—inexplicably—is one of them. My heart can’t handle admitting to the others.
“You followed me here. From the manor,” I finally say, dropping the subject of Val when it becomes too heartrending to continue.
The bird dips his head, as if in agreement. A loud, whooshing breath flows past my lips. “As happy as I am, I think I should make an effort to find more friends.” Laughing with Selise tonight was far more enjoyable than I ever would have expected.
He scoots further up my thigh, wings unfurling slightly—eagerly. Like he might just think that’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Maybe he can sense my loneliness. The way melanistic animals are rejected in the wild, maybe he knows solitude as intimately as I do.
I was always drawn to different, dejected things.
Another aching lurch launches through me. One that’s becoming more frequent, more painful, refusing to be locked in its tight little box anymore, despite a decade of practice.
It must be being back in Omnitas. Being so close to everything that could have been. My stare locks into the distance, yet again, my longing owning me. Some part of me feels as if I could reach out my hand, extend it across the vast open space, and clasp that place, that memory and the beauty of it, within my palm. The smallspirlinarysitting inthe sprawl of the city. Cradle it close to my heart. Bring its memories back to life.
But I can’t.Deosknow that I’ve tried.
This evening, I began opening up to Val while searching the rooftops for the sanctuary I want to see now. Odd, how easy it was. How it was like all of my repressed thoughts and feelings just wanted to spew out of me like a fountain and wrap around my husband before I clamped the lid closed again. But what was most terrifying was when Val almost kissed me. How I almost wanted him to. And knowing that I was projecting onto the moment between us, trying to make it into something it wasn’t.
The warning from Rainah isn’t the only thing that has me questioning whether I’m mad these days.
My owl leans forward, nudging a piece of hair off my face and carefully tucks it behind my ear. Comforting. Letting me know that I’m not alone. With a smile, I tell him, “I’m glad you’re here.”
He must hear the truth in my words, because for the first time, he stays with me all night, perched on my windowsill like he’s standing guard while I sleep.
9
Decorative feathered hats and tiny fucking swords
Val
My steps are light—downright bouncy—echoing down the halls of the most imposing building in the world: the house of Parliament.
Couldn’t have asked for a better evening to precede this dreaded audience.
The cabinet and Prime Minister live in their solitude, sustaining themselves on power, greed, and their self righteous opinions of themselves. Keeping anonymity with the masses so they may mingle among the rabble at leisure before returning to pull everyone’s strings from the same stretch of land the entombedNocturnethey forced into rest reside.
Those threads are beginning to snap.
I wonder if this situation will be dire enough for the Prime Minister himself to make an appearance. A very hungry part of myself hopes so. As fantastic as things are shaping up, I may just get my wish. The only other time the Minister has been present when I met with the cabinet was to legitimize me himself, no longer being named a bastard.
So wonderfully ironic.
