Page 26 of Escaped
“The Official Secrets Act?”She sighed.
“Yes, little girl.If I tell you the truth, then I could be in all sorts of trouble, but I want to be honest with you.You deserve that.”
The idea that there was any trouble worse than the sort we were driving away from was laughable, but it did nothing to assuage the deafening silence stretching around the car’s interior.
“Thank you.So, will you be honest?”
“I will.”I’d never wanted to be honest with anyone before her, but as she had in so many ways, Erin had broken all my rules.“And yes.I had killed before Hawkins stormed the cabin.”
There were no simple ways to sugarcoat what I’d done.The man I’d been was a monster with few redeeming qualities.Sure, I’d assumed what I was doing had been good for Queen and country, but I hadn’t known, not for sure.I’d chosen to believe the things my superiors had told me because it had been a convenient way to appease what little conscience remained.I hadn’t given those faceless targets another thought until my delicate brunette had showed up for James’ hike.
“More than one person, sir?”
I tensed at the apprehension in her voice, loathing that I’d provoked her fear.After the trauma of the last few hours, she merited love and solace, not more shock and awe.
“Yes, more than one.”There was no choice anymore.I’d have to tell her something about my previous incarnation.“I was a paid assassin.”
I pulled in a breath, painfully aware of how the pace of her own breathing had accelerated.
“Like a spy?”She sounded despondent.Rightfully so, I supposed, but it was still utterly demoralizing to hear the woman I was besotted with so downbeat about me.
“It was less espionage and more execution.”I cringed at the tactless way I’d presented that, but it was already too late.The words were out there like a hammer to a landmine.“Paid officials decided the fate of my targets, and I was employed to execute their orders.”
She shuddered, glancing down at her lap as we drove on, and for the longest time, she said nothing.
“I’m not proud of what I did.”My tone was imploring, as if I expected the confession to rid me of any agency over the deeds, but I was nothing if not a realist.I knew how much the admission would tear the fabric of everything a woman like Erin held dear, and sitting there, I didn’t know if there was any coming back for us.“It’s no excuse, but I want you to know that.”
“How many?”Her jaw clenched as she looked my way again.“How many people have you killed?”
Cold dismay resonated through my spiraling system.“This sounds awful, but honestly, I don’t know.”My throat dried at the painful honesty.“I was a paid killer, little girl.I didn’t keep a running tally.”
“That’s why you didn’t tell me at the cabin.”She nodded as though the final piece of a puzzle had just been dropped into place.“You were ashamed.”
Ashamed?My eyes widened at her assessment.Was that what I was?
“I didn’t want you to think less of me.”I detested the unease in my voice.So used to being in control, especially where Erin was concerned, it was new and disconcerting to find myself on the other side of the fence.“I didn’t want the man I used to be to change things between us.
But it was stupid of me.”I released the air I’d been holding onto.“Of course it changes things… it changes everything.”
“Please don’t speak for me.”She folded her arms across her chest, her expression irate.“You might be the one allegedly in charge here, but I can still think for myself.”
“Yes.”I had no doubt about that.
The woman I’d grown to know and wanted to worship was more than capable of thinking for herself.It seemed she was capable of a great many things, an image of James and Hawkins springing briefly to mind at the verdict.
“So, tell me what you think.”
The daylight around us seemed to be increasing, but shrouded by the trees encroaching from both sides of the road, it was taking a while for the sun to make itself known.
“I don’t even know what to think.”She shifted her arms to give herself a hug.“It’s not every day I, not only encounter my first gun fight, but discover the man I’ve been fucking is a killer…” Disdain echoed in her voice.“But then, I suppose I’m a killer now too, so what’s the difference?”
A fresh wave of stony silence stretched out around us, her gaze narrowed as she refused to meet my eyes.
“Please, Erin.”I couldn’t recall ever being as vulnerable as I was then, sitting in that car.“I know this is a lot, but don’t shut me out.”
“You didn’t tell me.”Unspoken recriminations rang out in her statement.“I asked you what you’d previously done for a living and you didn’t tell me.”
“No.”Frankly, I wished I hadn’t had to.“It’s not something I like to boast about.”
