Page 23 of Dirty Little Secret
I should feel angry, jaded, or even a little upset about him cheating, not to mention her pregnancy, but I feel nothing. Nothing but the ghost of my guy's cocks inside me. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, they are unbelievably hot, and they treat me better than Blake ever did.
Blake is in the past.
My three guys, though, they are my future, and I won’t give them up for anything. They make me feel alive and push me past my limits, which is exactly what I wanted, what I craved when I first started college.
I wanted to explore thisthinginside me, without feeling ashamed, like I did with Blake.
I am finding myself. Discovering exactly who I am sexually, and okay, so it might beunconventional, but I'm not broken. I'm not something that needs to be fixed and stuffed in a box like my ex wanted. I can't be someone I'm not.
My guys ruin me in all the right ways, and they are there to help me pick up the pieces of myself once they are done. I've never felt so…desired, and it makes me feel powerful.
“As much as I'd like to, I can’t, Savannah. I have this thing that I have to do tonight, and I can't get out of it, you know that,” River says, drawing me from my thoughts.Oh yeah, I asked a question.I pout, giving my best friend my most adorable puppy dog eyes.
“Don’t make me face my stepbrothers and parents alone,please.” I make praying hands and bat my lashes at her. I have plenty more where this comes from.
River sighs and shakes her head, but the broken look in her eyes gives me pause.
Has something happened?
She's been acting weird for the past two weeks, and she's never around much anymore. She looks exhausted, and I wonder if she's been sleeping. I notice that her face is a little drawn, as if she's lost a little weight. I'm worried about her.
“Savannah, they are your stepbrothers, andJackson is basically your family. You will be fine. Besides, your mom will be there.” Her curt tone irritates me because she's not usually so dismissive. I think better than to say anything, because it's clear that something is bothering her. I have tried to get her to open up about it, but she just changes the subject. The closest thing to her breaking down the walls she's been building these past couple of weeks was when she told me,‘My past is biting me in the ass.’All I can do is be there for her and let her know that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. She'll tell me when she's ready, and if she's not, that's okay.
“Fine. I have to get dressed,” I mutter, trying to mask my worry. If I pry too much, she'll shut down for good, I just know it.
“What’s the big deal? What happened to you finding them hot and wanting to take a wild ride on their disco sticks or whatever it was you used to say?”
Oh my God. I totally forgot about that. This is what happens when you've known someone for a long time. They remember all of your embarrassing, not-so-bright moments.
Turning around, I pull my shirt over my head, and keep my back to her so she can’t see mycheeks tinge red.
“I never meant it,” I lie, and internally wince at how unconvincing I sound.
“Ah, I call bullshit.” I fight not to cringe as I quickly change, then turn around to face her.
“Nope. Not anymore. I don’t find them attractive the way I u?—”
“Swear on my life, Savannah Carter. Swear that you have never pictured their faces as you made yourself come?”
Fuck.
This time, I do cringe, and hate that she's right. She knows me too well. The smug look on her face tells me that she sees right through my crap, and instead of saying anything more on the topic, I storm out of my room, muttering about how much I hate her. Her laughter follows after me, and I smile, knowing she can't see me do so. I hope she’s a little happier than she was before. God knows she looks like she needs the distraction.
Her words play on repeat in my head, and she's right. I've pictured their faces hundreds of times, and I carry out those fantasies through the three tall strangers in masks, wishing it were them instead.
I roll to a stop in front of my mom and stepfather’s mansion, and I look over to see that Kale’s car is already here. I hate that they arrived before me. It would have been better if I were the one who got here first, so I didn’t have to face them right away. Nerves rear their ugly head, building in the pit of my stomach, because now I can't avoid talking to them like I had hoped.
“Stop being a fucking pussy, Savannah. You’ve been fucking three complete strangers with hidden faces for weeks, and you can’t even face your stepbrothers, and Jackson? Get it together, girl,” I scold myself before climbing out of the car, putting one foot in front of the other. I keep my head held high as I walk through the front door, take off my coat and hang it on the coat rack. Chatter sounds from the dining room, and I give myself a pep talk to go in there. Before I lose my nerve, I rip the proverbial band-aid off and head on in, reminding myself that I don’t need their approval.
I tell myself that they mean nothing to me. Shit would be a whole lot less complicated if that were actually true.
I am a grown ass woman. I have not one, not two, but three hot as fuck men who want me. I have no business crushing on my stepbrothers,and I sure as hell have no business crushing on Jackson, either, not after everything with my guys.
“Savannah!” My mom's voice breaks over the chatter as I walk past the threshold and into the dining room where everyone is seated. I deserve an Oscar with how good this fake ass smile plastered on my face is.
Within seconds, I can feel all three of their gazes on me, burning my skin like their eyes are made of hellfire. I try my absolute best to ignore them as I round the table to hug my mom.
She smells like jasmine andhome,and God, I miss her. I hate that she and I have drifted apart since she married my stepfather, Kalvin.
