Page 115 of Above
After I was fully ready, I kissed Death goodbye and closed my eyes, willing myself to Talon’s home in the Naqi District. Cringing at the sight of the towering castle and sprawling lawnas they appeared beneath the shadows, I rolled my shoulders and began walking toward the burial grounds.
Though my heeled shoes sank into the slightly loose dirt, I trudged on, needing to speak with them. When I got to their headstones, reading the pitiful excuse for final sentiments I had come up with, I pulled in a sharp breath.
“Stars, I miss you three. I don’t understand how it’s been six months. I don’t understand how I’m still breathing.” I paused, holding back the tears. “It’s just…you were meant to be here with me. This is everything I worked so hard to avoid, and I’m realizing now that I wasted our time together. Every day, I wonder why I’m the one who gets to live on when you were the best parts of me. Now I’m nothing but pain and hatred and darkness. I’m poison. I’m empty. I’m…” My hand flew up to my mouth, tears finally pouring over, the stark realization making my heart lurch. “I’m a void.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
Nova
“I fear the day that I finally start hating myself as much as the rest of the world seems to.”
-From the journal of Nova Tershetta, 9263 AS
“You’re late. Is everything okay?” Talon asked as I approached the doors of his castle. Forcing a smile onto my tear-stained face, I nodded, taking his outstretched hand. He seemed unconvinced as he lowered his lips to my knuckles. “Well, did you want to do something else? Relax instead?”
“No, let’s go to the restaurant. I’m starving.” With one final assessing gaze, he wrapped his arm around me and shrouded us in shadows.
We appeared in front of an extravagant building, the glass marking it as such. Glass has always been the material of the stars, for it let us see them. Anyone with wealth utilized it. Though I had noticed that Castle Zade did not, and I wondered if that meant something more.
“I’ve heard incredible things about this place,” Talon whispered, smiling broadly as he gripped my chin with his large hand and bent down to peck my lips. His jaw flexed, some sort of emotion pinching his face for a brief moment. But then he wasback, shaking his head so hard that strands of his dark hair fell out of the bun.
I watched curiously as he dusted off his tailored jacket, the lapels perfectly in place and the dusty red shirt beneath free of wrinkles. He was, as always, immaculate. Handsome and rugged. The definition of a warrior.
However, just as the days had felt off, so did Talon.
“Let’s get inside,” he muttered, bearing his teeth in a too-wide grin as he dragged me through the door.
Letting him guide us, I tuned out the incessant chatter and the overly-friendly attendant who insisted on placing his hand on Talon’s lower back and whispering in his ear. Instead, I tried to better understand my own feelings of discomfort and unease. Something was clearly wrong, but what?
Before I could get to the core of the pit in my stomach, Talon was guiding me into a seat with gentle—yet forceful—hands. I caved, letting him tuck in my chair and kiss my head.
He was a gentleman, I couldn’t fault him for that. Plus, of all the things I might argue with Talon about, his unflinching need to care for me was not going to be one of them.
“What would you two like to drink tonight?” A woman asked as she appeared next to the attendant. Doing my best to smile, I ordered a water, only faintly listening as Talon ordered something far heavier. His brow was sweating, his eyes blinking furiously. Was he nervous?
“Read anything good lately?” he asked, leaning back in his chair and slyly dabbing his forehead.
“Actually, yes. I came across a book in the elite library that was really interesting.” The librarian at the military base was much more forthcoming with the books, though I was fairly certain that had to do with my new status, because I could tell she didn’t want to let me in. “It’s a far more detailed account of our first conquest. It explains how one of the original twentycore families had accidentally shadow walked too far. At first, he thought he just went to one of the demolished continents on Dajahim that he had never been to before. But he quickly realized that the landscape looked different, and there were people there. It wasn’t Dajahim at all. The text doesn’t mention which core member it was, but all I could think was that his first instinct was to demolish something new—to destroy the unknown—to conquer and devastate. What would’ve happened if he had simply decided that they were worth allying with and learning from? It’s just so odd to me that we constantly choose destruction and chaos without really knowing if that’s the only solution or step forward. I feel like there’s another way.”
Talon peered at me with a soft smile on his mouth, the look somewhat condescending. He knew when I was going off on a tangent.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble like that,” I said, feeling annoying. This was meant to be our time to relax, not to rant about what was, what could be, and what inevitably would come. Talon and I didn’t need to be discussing this, and I knew that he probably felt drastically different than I did, even about those small details. I was quickly coming to realize that we were all unchanging statues, so deeply carved that transformation was nearly impossible. It was difficult to be something opposite of what you were raised to be.
I would always be an eadi at heart and he’d always be a core.
“No, don’t apologize. You’re fine. You might ramble sometimes, but I still love you.”
Nodding, I crossed my arms and got more comfortable in my stiff wooden seat. The area was beautiful, the ceiling clear and giving way to the setting sun. The stars were making their first appearance of the day, our moment to watch them as they were always watching us. The tables were all a deep, red oak with small runners on them. Enormous vases, full of extravagantflowers like blooming red roses and twisting tulips, sat at the center of the table. Near the ceiling, balls of light floated.
All around us were people who glared at one another and ordered around waiters. They were haughty, their noses toward the sky, jaws set, scowls regularly appearing. Most, though not all, of them looked miserable, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I did too.
“Tell me about your day. How was it? Were they giving you a hard time again?” I asked, doing my best to focus. Talon’s hand went to his chin, rubbing at his growing facial hair and letting his eyes wander off.
“They don’t want me as a leader. I’m young, inexperienced, freshly graduated, and somewhat of a bad omen to them. No one has ever murdered a core, let alone three.”
I flinched, trying not to be obvious with my discomfort. He spoke so casually about it. I was jealous. When would I stop being plagued by the absence of my family? When would I heal?
“It just doesn’t look good. I think some of them believe that the Zades don’t deserve the power that we have. That we can no longer justify our seat at the table.” Blowing out a puff of air, he straightened up and grabbed his napkin, placing it on his lap. “Regardless, they’re not fond of listening to me, but we got through a whole drill today without someone mouthing off, so that was good.”
