Page 113 of Above
“Yes, of course.”
He kissed me, his lips firm and steady, his other hand greedily roaming my naked body as he rolled on top of me. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” I offered back, wishing I meant it like he did. Wishing I could feel the peace and hope that seemed to propel him forward.
“What would it do?” Dofrel asked, his hand bringing the vial up to his face, eyes twin to the vibrant sapphire blue shade of the liquid.
“Ideally it will help the medics self-heal when in combat.” I shrugged, not too confident in the success of the elixir.
“That’s incredible. Would it react to their magic in some way?” Zura cocked her head as she spoke.
“Hopefully, but we’ll see.”
An odd silence consumed the space despite the chatter of other alchemists around us. In my head, the stars began their incessant mumbles. A headache was nearing.
“How are you feeling today?” Zura asked after a moment, her face noticeably pinched in my peripheral.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped, tidying up my area by hand to give my fingers something to do. Zura nodded, patting my hand before walking back to her table. She was good at giving me space, and she always accepted my apologies, her forgiveness not deserved.
“Nova, it’s been exactly six months.” Dofrel’s voice was soft and soothing, yet I felt angered by it. A giggle came from the stars, their haunting voices making my ears ring. “You’re allowed to feel emotional about that.”
“I know that, but it’s not worth it. I need to focus my energy on what’s ahead, not what’s behind.”
“Oh please, we both know that hunting Az is the only thing keeping you going, and that involves fully facing backward.”
“Don’t you dare start defending him to me right now,” I hissed, snatching the vial from his hand and beginning to pack up my supplies. Dofrel sighed, running his hand through his short curls.
“That’s not what I was trying to do.”
“But it’s what you were thinking! It’s what you three are always thinking. I’m so fucking tired of it. He killed my family! There is no redemption from that. He didn’t even deny it, Caleb. He admitted it on paper before disappearing from a heavily fortified cell.”
Staring at him, my eyes conveying the suspicion I couldn’t help but feel, I waited. Dofrel had told me time and time again that he hadn’t freed Altair, but the three of them still believing in their friend’s innocence made me question that.
“Hey, I didn’t let him go,” he insisted, hands raised. “And you know I understand. I haven’t pressured you into changing your mind or tried to stop you from searching for him.”
“No, of course not. Instead you make sly remarks and swear he didn’t do it.”
Dofrel deflated, his hands going to his eyes. I didn’t want to be so hostile, but I couldn’t stop myself. Everything he said seemed to further incite my rage.
“Okay, we got off track.” His hand aimed for my back, but I dodged it. “I’m sorry, Curls. I wasn’t trying to suggest he was innocent. All I meant was that by hunting him down you’re most definitely not moving forward. Really, it just reaffirms my point that you aren’t letting yourself feel any of the pain. You’re focusing so much on vengeance and anger when really you should give yourself some grace and acknowledge your loss.”
“Acknowledge my loss? Feel my pain? What do you think I do all day and night?” I seethed. I tried to calm myself down, but in my head the stars laughed and cheered. They whispered and pushed. “Every second of every day I feel it! I’m constantly shattering inside, wondering when I’ll finally be so broken that I can’t possibly crack anymore!”
Dofrel reared back as if I slapped him. I might as well have. I was so rarely this truthful with him. So honest and raw. But everything felt off the last few days, and I was so fucking exhausted.
“You say I’m the one living in the past, but it’s you who clings on to the boy who you were raised with. Your so-called best friend who gladly murdered three of his own and fatally wounded another. And the craziest part is that if hehadn’t slaughtered the Zades, he wouldn’t have faced any repercussions. My family’s lives meant nothing to any of you!Imean nothing! And you expect me to sit here and cry on your shoulder when it takes every ounce of my willpower not to do everyone a favor and just kill myself? Go fuck yourself, Dofrel!”
Summoning my shadows, I willed myself back home, stepping into my kitchen and running so quickly down the stairs that Death didn’t even get a chance to greet me.
If Dofrel wanted to say I was looking back, then fine. I’d focus even harder. I’d find his filthy little snake and I’d put his severed head on our alchemy station. I’d make them all see what their best friend really was.
I tore across the floor, slamming my hands against my map of Dajahim and closing my eyes, channeling the emotions into my magic.
When I was searching for magic, it almost felt like my soul was leaving my body. As if my consciousness was seeping out of me and into the air. I soared through clouds and across seas, swirling around continents long since destroyed.
Where are you, Altair?
With each passing second, I grew angrier, my failure becoming a beast upon my shoulder that I couldn’t shake off. Just before I decided to give up and scream instead, I felt it.
