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I watched in horror as she crawled onto the mattress, making her way toward me as I struggled and fought against her magic. But stars, everythinghurt. My mind couldn’t focus.
“You have officially pissed me off, Azazel. I feel as if I’ve been quite kind to you. Always letting you cum, never forcing you to drop the Otarn girl, even letting you fight my son.” She straddled my head, dropping onto my face and rubbing her wet cunt on me. Furious, I tried to bite her, but she lifted at the feel of my teeth, her giggles making me want to rip off my skin. “Naughty boy. You were like that after you first got magic too. Always getting into trouble. My favorite of Talon’s friends.”
Every word made me nauseous, her supposed affection a curse. The first time I had fought back, she had threatened to prevent me from completing Elite Academy. Now, I somehow felt as if she had even more influence than before.
Please, stars, help me. Do something. Save me. Just this once.
“Now get hard, or I’ll make sure your daddy knows exactly what you’ve been doing with the akhata in your free time.”
While I hadn’t been doing anything with her, the mention of Tershetta had shame rolling through me in waves.
All hope and plans drained out of me, evading my heart that seemed to beat ferociously with the hopes of catching what was lost. But it was too late. The absence of that light left room for the darkness to seep in, and I decided then that I was done letting this bitch breathe.
Chapter Forty-Two
Nova
“I don’t think I’ll ever be enough.”
-From the journal of Nova Tershetta, 9281 AS
At first, our arrival home was full of silence. I could tell that something was brewing, and it was only a matter of time until one of the three of them burst.
While I expected it to be Celeste, Dad ended up being the one. “How could you do this, Nova?”
He looked so disappointed, his eyes wide, brows stitched together, and full lips set firmly in a line. I wished I had a better answer for them. One that didn’t make me seem pathetic and weak.
But I didn’t, because there wasn’t one. Iwasweak. I had given myself up just to get ahead. I could’ve stayed at the bottom and just kept trying, I didn’t actually need Talon, but I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to stop feeling scared. I wanted so much more than I was given, even though I didn’t need any of it. What started as me protecting my family at all costs had morphed into something more selfish.
“I don’t know,” I finally admitted. Celeste, as she so often did now, scoffed, throwing her hands up and dropping them with a loud smack against her legs.
“You don’t know. Of course you don’t know. You never really think things through. Everyone always says you’re so smart, but you’re always doing stupid fucking things! A core? Really?”
“I’m sorry! I swear he’s a nice person. He’s kind and funny and he’s always helping me. He has been fighting to make sure that I survive. He’s taking care of me.”
“Taking care of you? You don’t need anyone to take care of you. You’re not some fucking core chattel! You are more than their silent, submissive little wives. You willnotbe one of them!”
I looked at Mama, who was always the kindest and softest of our family. Who was always quick to settle everyone and say something hopeful. But she looked just as stricken.
“What about that nice boy, Az?” she asked, her grey eyes wide and pleading. “Why can’t you be with him instead?”
Celeste groaned, stepping forward and looking Mama square in the eye. “Mama, he’s an Altair!”
I gasped, taken aback that Celeste outright said it. I had a feeling she knew, but couldn’t help the shock from showing on my face.
“Oh, don’t act surprised,” she said. “You know, I’m not at all stunned by the fact that you thought they wouldn’t know. But I sure am offended that you believed I wouldn’t realize it. Unlike you, I actually go to the general’s speeches. Because even though it’s disgusting, it’s important we know what they’re thinking and wanting to do. It’s vital we stay aware. Ignorance might be momentary bliss, but all it does is cause bigger problems in the end.”
Her comment startled me, because hadn’t I been thinking the same thing? Wasn’t it just recently that I realized that my own intelligence made everything wrong with the world so much more obvious? How it haunted me and prevented me from feeling anything but existential dread? Now here was Celeste, calling me out for my own behavior—my own ignorance.
I never went to the general’s speeches. I made sure that my family weren’t around the protests. I never spoke out or even attempted to talk to other of eadi.
Abruptly, I was reminded of her letter she had sent me about silence and how she didn’t want that to be her legacy. She was right, and it would surely be mine.
“Celeste, I’m sorry. I just—I can explain—I didn’t have any other option! Altair forced my hand!”
“So you’re going to blame him, then? Is it also the other guy’s fault that you’re sleeping with?”
“Celeste!” Mama yelled, chastising her, but I could tell by her half-hearted correction that Mama was thinking the same thing. When my eyes flicked to Dad, I saw sorrow and disappointment lingering on his face.
