Page 150 of Hell Bent
“We’ll be OK,” I said. “I won’t mess with your time off like that.”
“Nah, man,” Harlan said. “Like I said, Owen was there for me all the way. It made a difference. Let us know when, and we’ll be there.” He put a hand on Ben’s shoulder briefly. “Tough times. You need something, you let me know.” Then he took Nick back from Owen and said, “I’d better go clean out my locker before that diaper disaster happens. Let me know about the soccer plans, Sebastian. And the rest of it, too.”
When we got into the car for the drive home, Ben said, “I wasn’t expecting them to be so nice.”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s a good team.” And got some more of that squeezing in my chest. I didn’t know how to balance all this. Ben, the team, Alix … how did you make all that work? And if Alix didn’t want to make it work, what then? I told myself,One thing at a time,but it didn’t help as much as usual. I told myself,Radical impermanence requires radical acceptance,and that didn’t work, either.
“I can’t wait to see Lexi,” Ben said.
“Yeah,” I said. “I bet she can’t wait to see you, either.”
Silence for a good five minutes. I was just thinking he might have fallen asleep after his big night out when he said, his voice low, “I didn’t even think about that. About a funeral, or whatever.”
“I didn’t do it for my dad,” I said, and the words ripped a little, coming out from that stuck place. “I didn’t know how, and I thought I didn’t want to. I figured it would just hurt more.” Ben moved restlessly beside me, and I said, “But I think I was wrong. I think it helps. Saying goodbye. Making that … that break. Lets you feel just as bad as you need to, lets you think about your mom, everything she was to you, how much you’ll miss her, and makes it easier to go on afterwards. She had friends, too, I’m guessing, who’ll want to come. So I figure we’ll do that.” I paused. “If it’s OK with you.”
“Yeah,” Ben said. “Sure.”
“We’ll talk it over,” I said. “Figure it out. Or you can have me plan it. Whichever.”
“OK,” he said. “What about the house?”
“Oh. Uh … I didn’t realize you’d started looking at houses, too. I thought it was just schools.” Man, this was getting away from me. I couldn’t hold all these threads together.
“No,” Ben said.“Myhouse. I mean—my mom’s house.”
“Your house,” I said. “And I know it’s too early to have to grow up this much. I get it. Do you have thoughts about it?”
“I’m not sure what thoughts to have,” Ben said, which was honest.
“OK,” I said. “I’ll start. Jump in any time.” When I’d thought,I’ll think about that after the Super Bowl,I hadn’t meantrightafter, but here we were. “The way I see it, you have two main choices. Sell it and invest the money, and you’ll be set to get your own place once you’re out of college and sure about where you want to settle. Or if you’re not ready to let it go yet, we rent it out with a one-year lease, invest the profits, and every year after that, you have that same chance to decide whether you want to sell. I don’t think the Vancouver real estate market’s going anywhere.”
“Is it stupid to rent it out instead of selling it?” Ben asked. “I mean, money-wise?”
“Doesn’t seem like it to me. I’ll tell you what, though. I’ll find a lawyer up there, one who knows about Canadian taxes, and a realtor, too. We’ll meet with both of them when we head up there, ask all our questions, get an idea what kind of numbers we’re talking about. Then we’ll talk to my financialguy. You can’t make a good decision without all the information, so we’ll get all the information.”
“Alix could go with us to those meetings,” Ben said. “With the lawyer and the realtor. She knows financial stuff, investments and things. That’s what she used to do. I’d rather ask her questions, because she doesn’t make me feel stupid.”
“We’ll see if she can come, then.”
“Why wouldn’t she come?” Ben asked. “She’s coming for the funeral and whatever, isn’t she?” Sounding almost alarmed.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m sure she is.” And wasn’t sure at all.
How do you plan for the future when you can’t see anything clearly? Radical impermanence is a whole lot easier to deal with when you’re the only one dealing with it.
A guy can’t live in the moment forever, though. And I had a feeling this was an inflection point.
59
NOT THE ICEMAN
Alix
Boy, that day was tough. I only worked five hours, but those were five long hours. My smile was pasted on my face like a rictus, and guys I’d never met kept coming up to me, asking, “Are you the one who’s Sebastian Robillard’s girlfriend? That was some game.” Awkward.
At this moment, in fact, Carlton was saying, “Man, I was sweating that thing. For about ninety-nine percent of it, I was feeling stupid that I believed you and bet on the Devils. Then it finally looks good, and the Niners just about score again.” He shook his head. “I about threw up my nachos. My wife would’ve killed me if I’d lost that much.”
“Could make you rethink the betting deal,” I said. “Personally, I have enough stress in my life without adding more.”
