Page 134 of Catch a Kiwi
“Yes youcan,”Olivia insisted. “If you want it very, very much. If you want itforever.”
“You’re both right,” Matiu said. “But your spiritisa true thing. Your feelings are true, too. When you look at the stars, you can remind yourself to feel the people you love in your heart. You can touch their wairua with your heart, and it can make your own wairua shine brighter, because we’re part of everyone who made us, and they’re part of us. That’s the way life works. We’re only one little piece of it, the same way a thread is only one piece of a weaving, but the whole thing together makes the picture.”
“If you’re Maori,” Hamish said.
“If you’re anybody,” Matiu said. “And here comes the dawn. That means it’s time to sing.”
I listened to it all, not that the knowledge was new, and didn’t take much from it, other than guessing that the kids were about to lose their great-grandfather and this was as good a way as any to start thinking about it, and being glad that Summer was here with me to hear it, too. She needed to feel that Delilah was still with her, and her mum as well, though she almost never spoke of her. She and Delilah texted nearly every day, and Summer never cried again, but I knew she felt Delilah’s absence. And, I was sure, her mum’s. It’s not easy to be alone.
So that was the way I looked at it. Until the daffodils bloomed.
Summer
On a Sunday in late August, I was cooking dinner in Daisy and Gray’s kitchen. Daisy had a whole four days off from the hospital, and she and Gray had flown the coop. To Fiordland, in fact. “Best time to see it,” Gray had told me the week before. “No crowds, less rain, and best of all—no sandflies.”
“We’re running the Milford Track,” Daisy said. “Fifty-three kilometers. Should be brilliant.”
“Brilliantly horrible,” Frankie muttered. “You have an odd idea of recreation.”
“True,” Daisy said serenely. “Fortunately, Gray and I have thesameodd idea.”
Later, though, Daisy had come down to the caravan and said, “If you were around a bit next weekend, it would be good. Frankie gets wrapped up in her work, Priya gets wrapped up in her play, and Dove … I worry a bit about Dove. And Xena, of course. Somebody has to give Xena some love, or she’ll pine away missing Gray.”
“No worries,” I said. “I’ll make dinner for them, shall I? And make sure Xena gets fed.”
“Perfect,” Daisy said. “You can ask one of the girls to cook, but do eat dinner with them if you can. Invite Roman if you like. It’s odd,” she went on, sitting down for once—Daisy was normally busy as a fantail—and accepting the cup of tea I offered. “I’ve never liked very masculine men. In the past.”
“I can imagine,” I said. “After Mount Zion. As Delilah would say, the cult of the patriarchy. But then there’s Gray.”
“Yeh,” Daisy said. “Gray. He was a surprise to me all the way. That he’d want to help, and that I’d let him. I think it’s because he’s so bloody secure in his masculinity. When you’ve been an All Black, you don’t have much left to prove.”
“He’s a comforting person,” I said. “I can see that. And not … overbearing. Or a baby.”
“Exactly,” she said. “And Roman’s the same way. Solid, I’d call it. Quiet strength, maybe. Doesn’t feel the need to push a woman around just to show he can.”
“That’s one reason I fell in love with him, you’re right, although at first—he was pretty insistent at first, after our accident.”
“Well,” Daisy said, “that doesn’t really count. Of course he was, when you and Delilah were both injured.”
I hesitated, then said, “OK, I’m not used to talking about my feelings, but I was numb for a long time and now I’m not, and I think I need the practice expressing my thoughts. Do you mind?”
“I’m not especially expressive myself,” Daisy said with a wry smile. “Go for it.”
I put my hands between my thighs, dropped my head, and thought a minute. “I think,” I said slowly, “it’s that he hides as much of himself as I do, and for the same reasons.”
“That he’s been hurt,” Daisy said.
“Yes. Like you and me.” I looked up, then, into her eyes. “I’ve felt at times, with you, that I can’t share, because you’re so strong, you won’t understand. Before, that is, when I was more fragile. But that’s exactly the way Delilah says she feels about me, and it’s not true. Just because I don’t express it, that doesn’t mean I never feel it.”
“Scared,” Daisy said. “Lonely.”
“Yes. Afraid I can’t do it anymore. That’s what I found in Roman, I think. He understands it, and it doesn’t weaken me to share it, because he needs the same thing from me.”
“That’s it,” Daisy said. “So why are you still here with me?”
“Ah.” I smiled, and felt the twist of my mouth. “How long were you alone after you left Mount Zion?”
“Over a decade.”
