Page 132 of Catch a Kiwi
“No,” Delilah said. “She’s being weird.”
Roman slung the suitcase into the trunk, slammed it, and told me, the rain streaming over the hood of his raincoat, “Get in back with her if you like. Last minutes together, eh. I’ll be the chauffeur.”
That was why, when we were on Highway 1 and headed for the airport, I asked Delilah, “So, why? On the makeup and the clothes and all.”
She sighed. “Hello? Captain Obvious says—because I realized I won’t always be compared to you?”
“To me?” I blinked. “But you don’t look anything like me.”
“Which would be,” she said, “the point. That’s what’s been good about hanging out with Frankie and Priya. They compare themselves with Daisy all the time, too. Not so much for how she looks, but she’s, like, so ultra efficient and capable.Alsolike you. Awkward, when you have to be grateful to somebody at the same time you’re resenting her and being jealous.”
I was aware of Roman in the front seat. He didn’t turn his head, though, so I did my best to pretend he wasn’t there. Why did the important conversations always happen right at the screaming end of things? “I’ve been a mess plenty of times this year, though,” I said. “And before that. I wasarrested.”
“No,” Delilah said. “I mean, yes, you were arrested, but no, you haven’t been a mess. And that’s been kind of hard, becauseI’vefelt like a mess. I know I’ve been all, haha, you need me, but really? When Aunt Iona died? I was kind ofterrified. I put off college to save money, but I couldn’t … I couldn’t imagine going, OK? Having to figure everything out. Where to live. How to eat. And now, I kind of feel like I can. I’m still scared, but Ican.”
“Of course you can.” The emotion was tightening my throat, but I needed to say this. “You’ve got all kinds of courage and all kinds of strength. You know how to work, and you know how to keep going. You’re one of the most capable young women I’ve ever known.”
“If I am,” she said, “I get that I learned that from you. I get it, OK? I just need to prove it. By myself. Frankie’s managing university, and she grew up in a cult and had to leave school when she was sixteen! She wasmarried,and he was about forty years old and seriously abusive, and look at her now.She says, just don’t hook up with any guys, because they’re distracting and can knock you off your path. And, I mean …”
“Exhibit A,” I said. “Me.”
“Well, yeah. Although Roman’s OK. Probably because he’s a grownup and doesn’t expect you to be his mommy and pay attention to him all the time. I know you’re listening,” she said to the back of Roman’s head. “You can say ‘Thank you.’”
“Thank you,” he said, and I caught the edge of his smile. “I’ll go back to ignoring you now.” Except that he was exiting the motorway and headed to the airport, and we were nearly there.
Delilah said, “The motorway’s two lanes here. Not even divided. And it’s the main one in the country! The freeway in Seattle iseightlanes. It’s going to feel so different. Big. Noisy. Crowded.”
“It is,” I agreed.
“I expect I’ll adapt, though,” Delilah said.
“I expect you will.” I wanted to say,Call me if you need me,but I didn’t. That wasn’t what she needed to hear from me at this moment.
She fell silent as Roman went around the circle and stopped in front of the terminal, but when he popped the trunk and jumped out to get her bag, she didn’t open her door. I waited, and finally, she said, “I really do love you, you know. You didn’t have to come back for me, and you did anyway. I’m not even your sister.”
“You’re my sister in my heart, though,” I said. “You always will be.” I was losing the battle with the emotion. “Just remember,” I managed to say, “that you can always call me. If you need me, I’ll be there. The same way you’ve been there for me.”
She stared. “You’ve never said that. About me.”
“I should have,” I said. “You’re right that I needed you with me this year. You’ve been what’s pulled me back into life again. I was in a bad place, but when we went to that memorial garden …”
“And told the guy we were keeping Aunt Iona in the cardboard box,” Delilah said, her smile wavering around the edges. “And you said, maybe we should have those necklaces made with her ashes. Still so ick. And we laughed so hard.”
I reached for her and hugged her. “Every time,” I said. “Every time, when I’ve been close to giving up … you’ve been why I haven’t. You don’t think you’re beautiful, and you’re wrong. You’re a star. You’re going to go to Seattle, and you’re going to shine. And I’m going to be so proud. Every step of the way. I’m going to be watching, and I’m going to be proud.”
Now we were both crying. Delilah hadn’t cried any more than I had this year, but surely, some things needed to be said with tears. “If the roots aren’t watered,” I said, “the tree will never grow. Koro told me that. I think he meant this. I think he meant feeling things to your heart. Letting yourself cry, and heal, and grieve, and love. Letting yourself live all the way. It’s scary, and it’s hard, and it’s the only way to be real. It’s the only thing that’s worth doing.”
“O-OK,” she said, and gulped. Her makeup was smearing, and I reached out with two thumbs and wiped the smudges below her eyes. “Why does … does yours never do that?”
“Excellent waterproof mascara,” I said.
“Oh. I’m still learning, I guess.” Her hand groped for the door handle. “And I have to go or I’m going to cry all over you. I have to—I have to go.”
When I hugged her goodbye, there under the overhang on a gray winter morning, letting her go felt impossible, and it felt like the only choice. I said into her ear, with every bit of fierceness I had, “We’re all still learning. But I’m here for you. I have your back. You are not alone.”
She nodded, gulped, and pulled away. Then she put her hand on her suitcase and said to Roman, “You’d better be good to her. If you aren’t, I’ll come back here and kick your ass.”
Roman said, “If I’m not good to her, I’ll let you.” Then he gave her his own hug and said, “If you need money, text me.”
