Page 112 of Catch a Kiwi
The waves crashing over us, taking us. Shaking our souls loose.
Down to darkness.
Roman
We slept, afterward. I don’t even remember how it happened. I know that I was holding Summer over me, and I woke to find myself in the same position, with the sun having shifted, the waves still rumbling into my bones. Summer stirred against me, and I opened my arms and let her go, her legs brushing over mine along the way, her trailing hair tickling its way over my shoulder. She shifted to her side, reached for me, and draped her arm over my chest as if she needed it as much as I did. I kept my own hand on her thigh as her breathing deepened back into sleep, and then I drifted off again.
When I woke again, I was alone. I sat up and listened, and finally heard the rattle of crockery. I’d only just sat up in bed when she came in again, stark naked, holding a tray that she set down beside me, and then she was climbing into bed again and saying, “Hi.” And smiling.
“Hi,” I said. “You found food.”
“Crackers and cheese and apples and mandarins. There’s more in there, too. Was that Esther?”
“Probably.” I tasted some cheese. Sharp against my tongue, and the apple slice was perfectly crisp. “And tea, eh.”
“There’s wine, if you’d rather,” she said. “But I don’t need it, not today.” She stretched, languid as a cat in the sunshine. “I feel so …good.I should’ve gone downstairs for my robe, but you know? I didn’t want to.I didn’t know it could feel that …”
“Special,” I said. “Possibly.”
“That’s it,” she said, and smiled. “So … thank you.” She leaned forward and kissed my mouth. Soft and gentle, the way she’d been all along. “Was it worth going to yoga for?” Some tease in her smile.
I felt myself stiffening. Told myself it was ridiculous and couldn’t help it. “So that’s it?” I asked. “It was fun?”
Her smile faltered. “I don’t …” A pause, during which her face, which could never be anything but open, worked, and she finally said, “I don’t know what you want. It felt good. It felt … close. Intense. Safe. That’s what … surprised me, I guess. That I felt safe being wide open with you.”
I said, “You don’t think that means something?”
Another pause, then, “I don’t know what you want.” Again.
I said, “I want the truth. Is that the truth? It felt good, and it felt safe?”
More uncertainty in the wide gray eyes. Her hair was mussed and glorious, her beautiful face a little flushed with sleep, but some of the ease was gone. “Why don’t you tell me,” she said, “what you feel. What you want.”
I said, “What I feel … I’ve got a quote. Best I can do.”
“OK, then.” She looked for all the world as if she were bracing herself. “Go on.”
“The Buddha. ‘Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.’”
“And what’s the truth?”
I looked into her eyes and had no more power to resist reality than I had to turn back time. “That I’m falling in love with you. That must be it, because I’ve never felt this way before. It’s good, but it’s not, because there’s nothing to hang onto here. I think you feel the same way. And if you’re anything like me, it scares the shit out of you.”
49
WHAT YOU WANT
Summer
My face froze. My lips literally felt like they couldn’t move. All I could do was stare at him.
“Oi.” The syllable was gentle, and so was Roman’s hand on my face. “Too soon?” A twist of a smile.
“N-no. Of course not.” Oh. Tea. I took a sip, then another one, because if I was doing that, I didn’t have to talk. “I just—” I tried to laugh. “Wow. That’s a lot.”
“Ah,” he said. “Itisjust me, then. Bugger.”
“No!” I said. “I like you so much. At times, of course, I haven’t liked you at all, but that was earlier, obviously, because now, I—I think you’re great. Really. I’m attracted to you, too. Well, you’ve probably noticed. But you know I’m not in … in shape to feel anything like that. Totrustanything like that. I’m still all over the place. You’re a lot. A lot of … personality. Of strength. A lot for me to have to stand up to. You’re … you’ve helped me so much, but I’m not?—”
