Page 13 of Just for Me
“What I wanted to say,” Hayden said, “was that I can’t tell whether you’ve got somebody already. The chef with the wine. That I couldn’t tell if he was the present, or the past. I wanted to ask Nyree, but I didn’t want to be that guy, scared to ask the truth, scared totellthe truth, so I thought I’d ask you instead. I’m telling you that I don’t want to be your … your prize for coming out, some fella you’ll never have to see again. I’m not going to be cheated on again, and I’m not going to be cheatedwith.If it doesn’t matter, I don’t want it. I know I don’t look ….” He hauled in an unsteady breath. “Serious. I know I don’tseemserious. That doesn’t mean I’m a toy. That doesn’t make me anybody’s temporary entertainment.”
“Hayden.” Luke had his hand over Hayden’s again. “I’m not with somebody. I’m fairly spectacularlynotwith somebody, in fact. The chef is in the past. I’m not pretty, and I know it. I’m not quick or clever, and there’s nothing flash about me except my flat and my pay packet. I’m strong as oak, though, and I’m steady as hell. And I don’t cheat. I don’t hurt, I don’t lie, and I don’t cheat.”
Hayden tried to say something, and he couldn’t. “So come on,” Luke said. “Let’s go somewhere quieter, where I can see you and you can see me, and we’re not shouting out our deepest secrets. Because I want to kiss you.”
Hayden had an elbow on the table, his hand in his hair. “It’s not this easy,” he managed to say. “It’s never this easy.”
“Yes,” Luke said, and that voice was deep, it was strong, and it was sure. “It can be. It is.”
* * *
Hayden pulledinto a parking garage in the Wynward Quarter, using a passcard to do it, and Luke wondered why and decided not to ask. If Hayden had brought Luke home with him …
No. Don’t go there.Hayden hadn’t made any conversation, beyond, “This is me,” when they’d come to the car. Nervous, Luke thought, and the tenderness that had welled up in him when Hayden had put his hand in his hair back in the bar was right here again.
Hayden needed somebody strong. Somebody kind. Strong was the one thing Luke knew how to be. Kind, he wasn’t so sure about. He reckoned he’d do his best.
Hayden found a carpark, turned the car off, and sat there like he didn’t know what to do next. Luke thought,He wants to know he’s not a toy. What do I do about that? Not jump him, that’s sure.“Maybe we could sit a bit, eh,” he decided to say. “Maybe turn on the radio.”
“Oh.” Hayden turned the key, switched on the sound system, and fiddled with the dial.
His hand was shaking.
“Here.” Luke put his hand over his. “I can do it, if you like.”
“You can’t know the stations. You don’t even live here.”
“But I can still find music,” Luke said, and he did. An alternative station, it had to be, maybe the university’s, playing something reggae-inspired, with that upbeat, relaxed vibe. He asked, “OK?”
Hayden said, “Sure. I like that you asked. Shows patience, consideration, and so forth. All admirable qualities.” Making conversation, obviously, because he was so clearly nervous.
What now?They both had their seatbelts off, but Hayden wasn’t moving. Luke finally said, “We don’t have to do anything tonight, you know.”
A long pause, and Hayden said, “You know, your gentleness is pretty devastating.”
Luke said, “When your job is being a hard man, you lose your taste for it as recreation, maybe.”
“Hopefully not completely,” Hayden said.
Luke smiled. Hayden would always bounce back, he was guessing. “Never mind. I think I know what you like. And if I don’t … you can tell me.”
Hayden put his face against the steering wheel. “OK. I give up. This is too bloody much. I maybein Paris. If you get any better, they’re going to put you in a film. Please. Come on. Kiss me.”
Luke said, “If you’ll peel your face away from that steering wheel, I will.” Feeling sure again. Feeling strong.
Hayden sat up. Not fast. Slowly, like he didn’t dare to breathe. Luke knew how he felt. He put his hand against Hayden’s cheek, pulled him closer, and kissed him. Gently at first. Carefully, exactly because he didn’t want to be careful. He held back, and holding back was a buzzing thrill. Hayden’s mouth under his, and then Luke’s other hand around his head, too, to hold him better.
Heat. Power. Desire.
Hayden’s hand, finally, on Luke’s shoulder, and then his other one, and he was moving into Luke, starting to breathe hard, and Luke couldn’t be quite as gentle now. He kissed Hayden harder, felt the edges of that perfectly-cut hair under his hand, felt Hayden’s mouth opening under his, and burned.
Five minutes went by, because the song changed. Then it changed again, and Luke saw the steam on the windows out of the corner of his eye and got a jolt of fear. You didn’t call attention to yourself. You didn’t court discovery.
Wait. He’d already been discovered.
He couldn’t shake the unease, though. Which meant, maybe, that it was time to go. He pulled back and said, “Give me your number, and I’ll text you tomorrow. We could have dinner, see where we get. No pressure. Sound OK to you?”
“Yeh,” Hayden said on a breath.
