Page 71 of Kiwi Sin
The worst one, though, happened when I was twelve.
I was taking a cart from the dairy to the kitchens when I saw him coming the other way, but I opened the gate between us anyway, because I couldn’t run back to the dairy. I’d get a slap or worse, and anyway, Sister Hopeful had sent me because I was reliable. I needed to keep being reliable.
I stepped to the side to let Valor go through the gate first, not raising my eyes to him, and then stood, confused, as he stepped the same way I did. When I muttered an apology and stepped the other way, so did he. Once more, until I finally stood still and he laughed. Teasing, the way he always did, in a way that made your skin feel prickly.
“Nah,” he said, stepping aside and sweeping out an arm. “Just joking. Go on.”
He shifted, though, as I came through behind the cart, and pressed me up against the post with his body. I stood stock-still, not wanting even to breathe, not knowing what to do, and he said, with a smile in his voice that scared me, “Who knew you’d get so pretty? Should I ask the Prophet to join you to me, do you think? Pity we can’t do it sooner than sixteen, because I’d say you’re ready. You’re already bleeding, aren’t you?” I felt his hand go between my legs, groping through the thick cotton skirt, and froze. That hand was closing over me, searching, touching, the rough rasp of fabric rubbing against tender parts I’d barely even touched myself as I gasped and tried to shrink away. “Now that I’ve touched you like this,” he said, “and got you taking down your pants for me, too, you’re already half mine. Who else will want you?”
I could still feel the shock, then the red tide of humiliation sweeping in. I could still feel myself stumbling when he’d finally stepped back and let me go, and see the smile on his face before I tore my gaze away, took my cart, and ran.
He couldn’t really influence the Prophet, though. Yes, Valor was the Prophet’s grandson, but there were heaps of those. Besides, everyone knew the Prophet waited for divine inspiration to assign partners, because marriage was an eternal bond.
That was one reason, though, that I’d run when Frankie had asked me to go with her. However much I’d tried to stay out of Valor’s way, however much I’d told myself that he would never dare to ask such a thing, I’d seen the Prophet the week before in the dining hall, looking at me and then at the table where Valor sat. And I was sixteen.
Some of the other girls had wished for him. Gabriel was the … the golden one, like the archangel he was named for. Quiet. Sober. Responsible. And so beautiful, you’d have to look away even if you didn’t, you know, have to look away. Valor was dangerous. Exciting, at least that was what they said, with his flashing dark eyes and bright white smile. That was why they thought he might be joined early, even though men were usually at least twenty-three when they married their sixteen-year-old brides. For the wild ones like Valor, though, I’d heard the older women say, the joining would come sooner. “Settle him down,” they’d say.
I knew Valor was more than just exciting, but I didn’t tell. How could I, without telling what I’d done, too?
And now he was here again. He’d left Mount Zion a few months ago, but that had been after Gabriel’s family had stopped visiting us, so I hadn’t seen him much. The first time I’d come up the track for my car, seen him walking into the house pushing a dolly with boxes piled onto it, and realized he must be on Gray’s crew now, I’d felt like he had me up against that fence post again. Shocked, and so ashamed. Wanting to run.
I could have told Gray, but how could I admit that a man had touched me so intimately? Was I even a virgin anymore, after what he’d done? And I’d been seductive, obviously. The Prophet said that men sinned when women tempted them with their bodies and their lascivious looks, and I’d always had the biggest breasts of any girl my age.
Keep walking. Walk into the yurt,I thought, but I couldn’t. It was exactly like before, and I was frozen, the trug in my hand. Also, Priya was in there. I didn’t want her to see Valor with me, to hear what he’d say. To me, or to her. It wasn’t safe. He’d talked to me four times now, and he always seemed to be waiting for me to appear, the way he’d come out of the house so fast. After that, it would be the same as before. Teasing, and complimenting me, but not in a way that felt real. Telling me I was looking pretty, except for—something, always. My shoes, or my hair, which he said was old-fashioned and ugly, worn in plaits or knotted behind my head, or that I wasn’t wearing makeup. He’d talk, and I’d look down and feel like my skin was crawling.
Now, he was four steps away, then three, and then he was standing in front of me. Standing a bit too close, just like before. Smiling again. I wasn’t looking straight at him. I knew it wasn’t forbidden anymore, but his eyes were like snake’s eyes, and once I looked into them, I’d be trapped.
Again.
He said, “All by yourself, eh. The boss gone, and Chastity gone as well. Left you here all alone. Girls shouldn’t be alone.”
I wanted to say, “I’m not alone, because Priya’s here,” but how could I? I’d seen him looking at Priya, too, and I knew what was behind that look. I said, “Daisy. Her name is Daisy.” My voice trembled, hard as I tried to stop it.
My cake. I needed to test it, or it could come out too dry. Would Priya think to check it? Gabriel had asked me for something sweet. Something special. There was only a minute, with cakes, between done and dry. I didn’t have time to make anything else, except maybe stewed apples, and that wasn’t special.
“That’s right,” Valor said, his voice an amused drawl. “Daisy. But it’s really still Chastity. You know it is. And you’re still Obedience in your heart, aren’t you? The Prophet gave you your name for a reason. You can’t just throw it away like that.”
“The Prophet’s not …” My voice was still too wobbly, but I went on anyway. “Not in charge here. If you want him to be in charge, you need to …” My throat was too dry to go on, because he’d taken another step toward me. I took another step back, and felt my legs hit the edge of the porch behind me.
“I need to what?” he asked, and came another step closer. “Go back? Maybe I don’t want to go back. Or maybe I’m meant to be here. Maybe I’ve got a job to do. Did you think of that? Did you think, why would Valor have left Mount Zion, when he’s the Prophet’s favorite? No, because you don’t think much, do you? You look after babies. That doesn’t take many brains. Good thing you’re pretty.” He took something out of his pocket. A bottle, but a flat one. “Whiskey. Part of my wages. But I’ll share.”
“You … you shouldn’t be here,” I managed to say. “Gray doesn’t like people being here unless they’re working. How did you get in?”
Valor had taken the top off the bottle and taken a drink. Now, he held it out to me, and I shook my head. “What Gray doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” he said, not putting the bottle away. “I thought I’d have a proper look round for once without Gabriel shoving his sticky beak in, and now I have. All this for one man, just for playing a kid’s game, and he’s got another house as well, they say. Beggars belief. All sorts of ways to get rich, Outside, doing the Devil’s work.”
“Gray will find out you’ve been here,” I said. “He’ll sack you. And if you don’t like him, why are you working for him?”
“Who’s going to tell him? You? I don’t think so. Because then I could tell him about you, couldn’t I? How you took your pants down for me and let me touch you, because you’re not nearly as sweet as everybody thinks, are you? Or you could have a drink instead, and we could keep our secret.” He held the bottle out again.
No way to back up more. Nowhere to go. The bottle was next to my mouth, the sharp smell of alcohol choking me, and Valor’s hand had come out to touch my hair, like he thought he had a right, because it wasn’t covered. Because he thought that meant I was sinful. Fallen. From inside the house, I could hear the oven timer going off, the insistentbeep-beep-beep,and I thought,My cake. It’s going to be ruined.
Priya,I begged.Don’t come out. Don’t look for me. Stay inside, away from him.
And please, nobody see me. Please, nobody see this.
29
RUST SPOTS
