Page 77 of Kiwi Gold
“Lachlan,” she said, and I stopped at a red light and glanced at her. Half-turned in her seat, her gaze on me. She put out a hand and touched my arm, and I looked down at that hand and thought,I can’t.
She said, “Is it really that unfair to you?”
Yes,I thought, and said, “No. Of course not. Though I’m asking myself why I’m signing up for sexual frustration, no worries.”
She said, “I should pay for dinner, then. If we do this again.”
Now, I definitely wanted to pound my head against the wheel. I couldn’t, though, because the light had turned green, and the driver behind me had already hooted once. “No,” I said, driving on. “I’m buying the dinners. Maybe because I like you so much. That’s what’s so confusing about it. I like you, and I’m fascinated by you, and you’re destroying my good sense. What’s that line in that song of your mum’s? Something about taking your sleep and taking your peace? Well, that’s you.”
“If it helps,” she said, “you’re doing the same thing to me. I wake up at night, and I … I have thesedreams.These thoughts, too, and that’s something new. Not like a crush, the way I felt about Kegan.”
I wanted to say, “No Kegan. I don’t want to hear about Kegan ever again.” I didn’t, because that would shut her down, and I needed to hear what came next. Instead, I said, “Not like a crush. Like what, then?”
“Like …” She paused, then sighed and ran a hand over her hair. “Like the way other people feel, I think. Other women, that is. I used to think I was stunted. Or blocked, maybe. Now, though … Wait. Can I say this to you? Do you want to hear? You can get sexual satisfaction, obviously. Elsewhere. I’m not asking you to only date me, so if I say something too sexual—”
I was losing it. I said, “I’m not going to date somebody else while I’m seeing you.”
A few seconds, then, “Why not? Because I wouldn’t like it? I wouldn’t, but I know that’s unfair. It’s practice for me, that’s all. You’re doing me a favor, and I know it.”
I wasn’t confused anymore. I pulled the car over in the first carpark I could find, which happened to be a loading zone, and said, “You want rules? Here’s a rule. It’s not practice, and it’s not a favor. I can’t hear about the blokes you’ll be dating after me, either. It’s real, and we’re all in, or I’m not doing it.”
“Even though it won’t go anywhere.” I could feel the tremble in her now, just under the surface. She was nearly vibrating with it, but she was still in there trying.
“It’s going somewhere. There are more places for a date to go than full sex.”Liar,my mind told me, but my mind could just bugger off. “Sounds like one place you want this to go is telling me your thoughts. About waking up at night and feeling things.”
“I know I told you, no odd things, nothing that would scare me, but I—"
Wait. What? I asked cautiously, “Are we talking about sex here? Sexual practices? Are you having dreams about them? About you and … somebody? Doing more than you’ve done before?” And, yes, if you’re wondering, I was hard. I was also wondering why she’d chosen to share this at this moment. You could say that.
She took a breath, then said, “Yes, I’m having dreams. Sometimes about a sort of shadowy figure, or somebody I don’t know, but sometimes, they’re about you, and they aren’t stopping. So obviously, I’m ready to have some sort of …”
“Of relationship.” My tongue felt too big for my mouth. Also, this was surreal. “I’ve already told you my rules. I’m not lying to your dad, and I’m not OK with you lying, either. Your dad’s going to know. My sisters are going to know. Everybody’s going to know. And it’s a relationship. Whether it lasts or not, it’s a relationship. That means no dating other people while we’re doing this. Those are my rules. Let’s hear yours. You said we needed to agree where to stop. That’s your job, then, telling me, because trust me, I’ll want to do everything you can think of. And more.”
* * *
Laila
I’d been right. Lachlan was patient. I could practically feel him holding himself back, holding himself in. Could I trust him to keep doing it?
Yes. That much, I was clear on. I said, “I know it’s only been two dates.”
“It’s been more than that. What d’you call the grouting? The dinners? The beach?”
“Uh … family time?”
“No. Or yes, but those were dates, too. If the fella’s spending time with you because he can’t stay away? That’s a date. We’re well past Date Two. Time to talk about expectations. Time to talk about limits.”
Could I really do this? I said, “All I know to say is where to stop.”
“Fine,” he said. “Tell me where to stop.”
I swallowed. “I don’t want to have sex.”
“Got that. But what does that cover?”
“Uh …” I said. “Sex?”
“Laila.” There was a smile in his voice, now, and he was leaning over, taking my face in his hand again, and kissing me. Nothing but gentle. Nothing but sweet, but the fire licked into me anyway. I’d have been ashamed, except that I couldn’t be. He smiled into my eyes, kept his hand on me, and said, “There are all kinds of sex, you know. All kinds of things people can do, besides vaginal penetration. By me.”
