Page 103 of Kiwi Gold
“But you don’t,” she said. “Because you’re a man.”
I said, “I think I’m like you, normally. Slow to love. Cautious, that’s what we are. I must be changing, though, because I love your mum, and I’m getting to love you and Yasmin, too.” Was that wrong? Should I have said something more? Better to be truthful, surely. Amira would sniff out a lie.
She said, “Matiu says he loves Olivia even when she’s naughty, and she’s naughty all thetime,and he’s not even her real dad.”
“Yeh.” I snuggled her closer and kissed her head, and realized how different it was with kids if they were … well, your kids, or maybe just kids you felt responsible for, or were close to, or … something. Or, possibly, when you realized that they weren’t just kids, they were … people.Yourpeople. “Men can love kids, too. Some men.”
“Like Grandad.” Her voice was sleepy, finally.
“Yes,” I said, the tenderness trying to take me over. “And Long John. And me.”
45
MATARIKI
Laila
After that, Lachlan and I had blissful, all-night sex, went out dancing the next night before more wild sex in the back seat of his car, and arrived at my dad’s house on Sunday with our arms wrapped around each other, our love declared.
Ha. No. That’s not what happened. In fact, I’d prefer to gloss over the details. Later on Friday night, though, I’d woken to the unfamiliar feeling of the floor moving. At first, I’d thought,Oh, no. I’ve got it, too. I did not need this.Then I’d realized Lachlan was carrying me and said, “W-what?”
He said, “The girls are asleep for now. Just putting you to bed, too.” Which, yes, he was doing, since he had a knee on the bed and was setting me down on it.
I said, “You could have just woken me up.” I was in one of those bone-weary zones, though, where you’re falling asleep again even as you’re waking.
“Or not,” he said. “I tried. Right. PJs, or sleep in your clothes? PJs would be more comfortable, surely.” He looked around. “Where?”
I said, “I’ll get them,” and sat up extremely reluctantly to do it. “Go home and get some sleep. What time is it?”
“Eleven. Around there. Nah. I’ll sleep on the couch, in case the girls wake up. You’re knackered.”
I couldn’t argue about this. Not tonight. Or …
I said, picking my way delicately through the words, “The couch is short. Would you want to lie down with me instead? To sleep here? I realize,” I hurried on when he didn’t answer, “that it wouldn’t be what you had in mind. Not sex, obviously, but …”
He brushed my hair back from my face, because it had come loose from its knot in a few places, and said, “Because you want company, eh.”
I considered denying it. “All I’ll do is fall asleep, of course.”
“Go get ready for bed, then,” he said. “And I’ll lie down with you.” I would have told you about the warmth in his voice, the steadiness in his eyes, but I was a bit overwhelmed. Three babies photographed today, holding onto my serenity through their tears and the fallout from the week, reminding myself,Two weeks off coming up, other than the weekends, and the girls will be back in school, and you can go to bed early every night,and tryingnotto think about money.And then, of course, this.
Mostly, twins were fine. Mostly, they were wonderful. When they were both sick, though, and you had one bathroom? I’d wiped down the surfaces of that bathroom so many times tonight, it felt like I was swimming in a petri dish. I needed a shower with soap, or possibly one of those disinfectant mists you walked through during an Ebola outbreak.
I got up and took my shower. I pulled back the duvet on both sides of the bed, and realized that it was the first time in the life of the mattress that I’d done it. After that, I’d like to have said that I waited for Lachlan to come to bed himself and then snuggled back into his arms and told him how wonderful he was, but the truth is that I fell asleep. For a little while, anyway.
Not how I’d intended this date to go.
* * *
Lachlan
It was somewhere close to dawn, and I’d lost count of the number of times I’d been out of this bed tonight, or the number of times Laila had. We’d taken turns.
I’d always thought I was reasonably tough, fighting my way through the bush or running from various hazards, but there was a reason sleep deprivation was used as torture.
When I eased my way back into the bed beside Laila for approximately the eighth time, she reached behind her, groped for me with a hand, and said, “Lachlan? Is that you? Do I need to … wake up?”
“No,” I said. “Already did.”
