Page 87 of Just Say Christmas
A frozen moment that seemed to stretch out forever, and then a crash that reverberated through the room and made Zora jump and scream.
“Oh, no,” her mother said, her hands over her mouth. “Oh,no.My Royal Copenhagen Full Lace serving bowl! How could I have knocked it off like that? How could I havebeenthat careless? Don’t get up,” she told the kids. “Porcelain splinters, and you aren’t wearing shoes. Craig, could you help? I’m sorry, everyone, but . . . I may be going to cry. My beautiful, beautiful bowl. It was a wedding present. Can you just . . .”
“I’ll get it,” Rhys said. He was on his feet already.
“I’m sorry,” Tania said. “But please, just . . . go on home, all of you. I need a bit of time.” She tried to laugh. “Never mind. I’ll be all good by Christmas, and Casey and Isaiah—we have something very special for each of you. Something absolutely wonderful. Wait and see. Go do your decorating, anddon’tsend me photos. I want to come in and be surprised. We are going to have the verybestChristmas, all together. And please, Luke—do come. It wouldn’t be Christmas without Hayden, and we want you, too. Of course we do.”
“I’m sorry, Nana Tania,” Casey said, her big eyes troubled. “I’m sorry you broke your bowl, and that you’re so sad. It’s extra sad to be sad at Christmas time.”
“Oh, my darling,” Tania said, “thank you. And never mind.” She dabbed at her eyes with her serviette, took a breath, and let it out again. “A bowl is just a thing. Things don’t matter, not really. We’ll have our Christmas together, and it will be lovely. I’ll have a wee cry for my bowl tonight, and then I’ll let it go.”
41
Starting Now
TANIA
Tania closed the door after Zora and Rhys. Behind her, she could hear theswishof the broom as Craig swept fragments of porcelain, beets, and carrots into the dustpan.
Normally, she’d have gone to get the vacuum out of the cupboard. Tonight, she didn’t. She went back into the dining room instead, looked out the window at the twinkling golden lights of the yacht harbour, the white dots from the ferry, and the darkness that was the hump of Rangitoto in the distance, the view she loved in the house she loved more, and . . . didn’t.
Craig said, “That was a pity.”
“Yes,” she said. “A pity I had to do it.”
His hands stilled on the broom and finally, when she didn’t say anything else, he looked up. “Pardon?”
“Let me tell you something.” She’d held it together all through that. All through dinner. She’d held it together for thirty-three years. She couldn’t hold it together another minute. Anothersecond.“There is nothing in this world. Nothing.Nothing.More important to me than my children. Than my grandchildren.”
“Grandchild,” Craig said.
That was it. She was gone. “Grandchildren.” Her voice was shaking. Her color, she knew, was getting mottled. She didn’t care. “Casey is mine, too. She’smine.She’s Isaiah’s cousin, and Rhys’s daughter, and Rhys is marrying Zora. She’s mine. And if Hayden . . . I don’t know. Adopts a child? Adopts a whole family of children? Whatever he decides to do, because who knows? Those children will be mine, too. Hayden would be a brilliant dad. He has such a loving heart.”
“Not what you said at the time,” Craig said. “You cried.”
“I did. I cried, because I thought—what will his life be? How will people treat him? How will he find somebody to love him forever? Now I think—it’s out there, everybody knows, and the sky hasn’t fallen. And how is he anything but that sweet, funny little boy we had? Maybe I shouldn’t have worried about forever, either. Forever isn’t easy for anybody. Maybe I was . . .” The tears were trying to come, but she wasn’t going to let them. “Maybe I was too romantic. But I’ll tell you something else. If he marries Luke, or anybody else, I’m going to the wedding, and I’m dancing. I’ve lived my whole life to . . . to make a home. To have grandchildren. To havethis.And I’m not going to let you take it away from me.”
Craig was staring at her like she’d become possessed. Like her head was spinning on her neck. He should think that. Heshould.
“What?” he finally asked. “Who’s taking it away from you? You broke your bowl onpurpose?Why would you do that? What would that cost to replace? You loved that bowl.”
“I don’t care what it cost,” she said. “I did what I had to do. I’ve always done what I had to do. Tonight, I needed to do this. I’m fifty-four years old, and I’ve tried my best.” Her voice shook, and the tears tried to come, but she willed them back and went on. “I know you’ve had affairs. I know you’re probably still having them. I’ve never said a word. I’m saying it now. I’ve done my best to make you a beautiful home. A beautifullife.To take everything else off you, to be the wife you needed. That was the bargain we made. I’m not going to let you take my children away from me, though, or my grandchildren. I’ll leave you first.”
The words sat there, trembling, in the air. Craig said, “What?”
He was still handsome. Still confident. Still a brilliant surgeon. The man she couldn’t believe had fallen in love with her, lifting her out of the life she’d thought was all she could have. Too brash, too clever, and he’d lovedher.
“You’ve never watched what you say,” she said. “You’ve never watched what youdo.I’ve done that for you, tidied up behind you, but you need to choose now. You need to stop and think. Do you want to lose your only son? Do you want to lose our daughter? Do you really? If you still want to push our children away, you can do that. I can’t stop you. But you’ll do it without me.”
“How did I . . .” he began.
“Oh, I think you can figure it out,” she said. “I think you can, if you try.”
“I don’t . . .” He was looking different now, and a piece of porcelain fell out of the dustpan with atingand bounced. Marring the hardwood floor, maybe. She didn’t care. He said, “I don’t have affairs.”
“Yes, Craig. You do. And I know it. That nurse. Pam. The blonde.”
It took him a stunned minute. “Fifteen years ago. At least.”
