Page 50 of Just Say Christmas
“Ah,” Hayden said now. “You tell yourself it’s practice for the really tough ones, and it doesn’t help, because every time feels like a tough one.”
He didn’t want Hayden to look at him. He couldn’t look back. “Something like that. Right. Trunks. Painting.” He started working again, felt himself going hot, and then realized that Kane hadn’t said anything. He turned around, and, yes, Kane was staring at him.
His brother said, “Sorry. I should’ve given you the chance to tell me. That’s why you rang me, isn’t it? So you wouldn’t have to do this in front of everybody?”
“You realize,” Nyree said, sounding cheerful, “that you’re making him do it in front of everybody right now. Which is good,” she told Luke.
“Glad you approve,” he said.
Kane said, “I’m not sure what I’m meant to say. I don’t know the . . . protocol.”
“There’s no protocol.” That was Hayden, speaking quietly. “Just tell the truth. Say whatever’s in there.Askwhatever’s in there. It’s the things you leave inside, the things you don’t say, that form the walls.”
Luke still couldn’t look at him. Kane said, “Then I guess . . . it’s hard for me to see you any differently. Still the same person, aren’t you. Still my brother. Still the one who showed me how to be a man.”
Luke was choking up, to his horror. He couldn’t help it. Kane said, “I’m glad I know. I’ve wondered why you never said anything about your life. Felt like maybe you didn’t wantmeto say. That we weren’t meant to share. Since that’s what Dad told us as well, that was easy to believe, I guess. If we can say, now . . . reckon that’s better.”
Luke nodded, and then he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He tried to paint, and his hand was shaking. He put a hand out, blindly, and it hit wet paint. He snatched it back and said, “Sorry, Nyree. I’ll just . . .”
His legs didn’t want to hold him.
He thought,It’s the eightieth minute, and it doesn’t matter how tired you are of this. You can’t collapse the scrum. Stand up. Standup,you bastard.And for once in his life, he couldn’t do it.
He hadn’t cried in front of anybody since he was . . . since he couldn’t remember. He couldn’t do it now. Hecouldn’t.He was crouching down, laying the brush on the edge of the pan. It fell off and hit the dropcloth, making another mess, and he had his hand over his eyes.
Nyree was beside him. He was hopelessly, desperately embarrassed. He wanted to run. He couldn’t run. He said, “I just . . . I just . . .”
She had her arms around him. He could feel her pregnant belly shoving into his leg. It wasn’t good for her, or the baby, to be upset, probably. And he needed to be the older brother, with her and with Kane. He needed to make it better, not worse. That was his job.
He opened his eyes, barely, and Kane was there. Crouching down as well, his arm around Luke’s back, his forehead resting against his own, saying, “It’s OK, bro. It’s OK. I love you. I always will.”
He couldn’t help it. He cried.
27
Free to Live
LUKE
It had gone six when Zora came in to announce, “Twenty minutes until pizza. Marko phoned and said he was collecting it on the way over. Seems hard on you that the two of you have to do the paintingandbuy the pizza, but Marko insisted, and since pizza is Casey’s favorite and it was Rhys’s turn to cook anyway, events snowballed.”
“I’ll just do this next bit first,” Nyree said, to Luke’s non-surprise. She was painting a mouse peeking out of Hayden’s blades of grass, also to his non-surprise. Nyree’s objectives weren’t the same as other people’s, but turning her from them was as difficult as turning Marko, who was a pretty hard-headed fella. Their home life was going to be interesting.
“Marko said you’d say that,” Zora said, confirming Luke’s suspicions. “He says he’ll take the brush out of your hand again. Also carry you upstairs in front of everybody, if he has to. I’ll object to that, if you like. He’s getting you one with veggies and cheese, though. I’m supposed to tell you that.”
Nyree laid down her brush. “Because I’m not allowed to eat cured meats. He’ll also have them put pesto sauce on it, just so Iwon’tbe able to resist. And he absolutelywouldcarry me upstairs, or make me think he was about to. Is it bad that I like that about him?”
“Not to me,” Zora said.
Hayden gave an exaggerated sigh. “Not to me, either. One can only dream. Not about Marko,” he told Nyree, “so no worries. I’m not attracted to people to whom I’m not attractive, and probably vice versa, if I could work out the implications amidst the paint fumes. I should print that first part on a T-shirt, though. It’d savesomuch explaining. I’m saying that out loud, since we’ve been discussing the ABCs of sexual attraction today, what it is and what it isn’t. Now hear this. I don’t want your man—that’s for you and Zora, Nyree—and if youarea man, I almost certainly don’t wantyou. I’m more selective than that, thank you very much.”
Was that meant for Luke? He could feel his ears turning red again. He kept on with finishing the details on the top tree branches.
“What’s wrong with cured meats?” Tom asked.
“Risk of listeria,” Nyree said. “Ask Marko for the full list of things I’m meant to eat and not eat. He’ll tell you. He’s taken over the cooking since he’s been home from France, which isn’t terrible, but he gets a bit boring about it. Folate, beta-carotene, Omega-3 fatty acids, protein grams, choline . . . I didn’t know choline existed, much less that it was a thing.”
“It’s in eggs,” Luke said.
