Page 24 of Just Say Christmas
TOM
He took a step, and he was holding her. Smoothing a hand over her hair, the same way he had so many times before, feeling her arms coming around him. They stood together, rocking back and forth, the faint music coming through the open windows, the debris of dinner for thirteen still littering the white benchtops.
He said, “I know it’s hard. I know it is.” That seemed like the most important thing to say now.
“You didn’t seem like you knew.” Her voice was muffled, because her face was buried in his chest.
“Because I didn’t realize that was what it was,” he tried to explain. “Thought you wanted to break up.” The relief was swamping him, a surge of adrenaline that made him dizzy.
She stood back and stared up at him. Her eyes were red, and she sniffed hard, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “Why would you think that?”
He tried to laugh. “You were odd last night, and before that, too, on the phone. Admit that you were odd.”
“Youwere odd. And I told you why I was.”
“Because of the boys.” The tenderness squeezed his heart. The road she’d walked to get here had been rougher, surely, than she’d ever imagined. Would she have done it if she’d known? Didn’t matter. She’d done it now.
“I thought it would be over and done,” she said, proving his point, for what it was worth. Sometimes, being right sucked. “I started to realize it wouldn’t be, but I still knew it was right. I stillknowit was right, but it’s still so hard, this first time. Which is just the way it is, so no point whinging about it anymore tonight. I told you, and now you know. It’s hard. But you didn’t answer me on the other part.”
“Ah.” He needed to put the glasses in the other dishwasher so he could take her out of the kitchen, at least. He started to do it. “You want to get married why, exactly?”
“I told you why.”
“Because you’re scared to start Uni alone. Not a good enough reason.”
She stared at him some more. He could see her getting narky again, but what else could he say? He’d better try, he guessed. “Eighteen’s too young, full stop. You haven’t even been out there yet. You’ve been at school. You’ve been in Tekapo.”
“What’s wrong with Tekapo?” She’d filled the sink, and now, she was scrubbing a barbecue rack. This was why hedidwant to marry her. Because she got on with things, the same way he did. But it couldn’t be now, could it? He was almost sure of that.
“It’s small,” he said.
“Tom,” she said. “You’re from Kerikeri.Outsideof Kerikeri.”
“That’s how I know about small.” He shook his head and shut the dishwasher. He needed to clean the benchtops. In a minute. “And how I know how much the view changes once you leave someplace that small. And when you’re not eighteen anymore.”
“You sound like a dad,” she said. “Not a boyfriend. Would you quit being so bloodymature?”
“That’s the point, isn’t it? I don’t want to be your dad. I want you to have as much time out there as I’ve had, andthendecide. When we can both see our future better, and we’re choosing because we want to, not because we’re scared of being alone.” How did he explain this to her? How did he even know it was right? He didn’t. He tried anyway. “My mum and dad are the only ones in either of their families who are still married. Your mum had you too early, too. I want to do this once. I want to do it forever. It’s been a year and a half. You just turned eighteen. We’re still long distance. It’s too soon.”
She sighed and said, “I hate it when you’re reasonable,” and he laughed. Out of relief, and out of just plain love.
He said, “You want to see me more, though? I want to see you more, too. We need to be together more. Why don’t we know what the other one’s really thinking? Because it’s too hard over the phone, or with a text. I want you to come to my games next season. And before you say you can’t afford it—I’ll buy the tickets. I’ll pay for the hotel. I want you to come. I want you to chooseme.” He finished with the dishwasher and took her hand beneath the surface of the soapy water.
“Good job I’m not holding a knife,” she said.“Nowyou want to hold my hand. After I proposed to you, and you turned me down. And what do you mean, you want me to choose you? Ichoseyou. I justtoldyou. Also, what happened to, ‘I’ll raise the boys with you, if you want to keep them?’”
He smiled. It hurt. “I grew up? Also, I love you. And I still think we should wait.”
He knew, saying it, that he might lose her. But if he said yes, he thought he’d lose her anyway. Three years of University, with him always too far away no matter where he lived, and their paths diverging more the further she got down hers?
This wasn’t anything like how he’d expected his weekend to turn out.
“You wish we’d done the massage lesson, though,” she said, rallying once more, like she always would. “Admit it.”
He had to laugh. “I admit it. I don’t even care about it being odd, touching you in front of Marko. I want to be out there doing it anyway. I saw that we weren’t sharing a room this weekend and thought you wanted to break up. And now that I know you don’t, I want to be out there having a massage lesson. Andthensharing a room. Let’s finish this, and after that, let’s go swimming.”
“The room wasn’t my idea,” she said. “It was Victoria’s, I guess, or Nyree’s. I thoughtyouwanted it.”
“No.” This, he could say with his whole heart. “Not me.”
