Page 62 of Tempting as Sin
“No. Just another day of combat to Jace. I know something happened, but he’s always sparing with the after-action reports.”
“Just like Paige. They’re so brave.”
Ah.“Yeah,” he said. “They are. I’m still waiting here.”
She started in halting fashion, like she was waiting for him to break in and tell her that she was overreacting, that she was silly, that she was weak. What she said, though, had his heart racing.
“I could hear the voice,” she said. “Searching for me. Talking to me. I knew it was going to find me, that I wasn’t hidden nearly well enough. It was like one of those dreams, when you’re running and somebody’s chasing you, trying to kill you, but it was real. IknewI was dead. I wasdead.I was going to fight as hard as I could, though. I wasn’t going to make it easy. That was all I could think to do. And then, when I thought Paige was going to die instead, I had to do something. I had to try, no matter what, and I did. I jumped out. I tried. But ever since then…” She swallowed hard enough that he saw it.
“Oh, baby,” he said helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head violently, making her ponytail swing. “But don’t you see? That’s not the scariest thing that’s ever happened to Paige. It’s not even close. But me? I remember every single thing. All I keep remembering is the fear. I wasshaking.I was frozen. And I’m so…” Another shuddering breath, and she whispered the word. “Ashamed.”
“Wait,” he said. “I thought you said you jumped out. And Paige didn’t die.”
“No.” She made that motion again, like she was pulling back her hair. “I got madder than I was scared, is why. I was somad.At myself, too. With Antonio, I was scared like that. So afraid, always, of messing up, of not doing it right, of what he’d say, because he always said something. Did something. Hit so hard, and hurt so bad. So I hid. That’s all I’ve ever done. Hide.”
“At Jace’s,” Rafe said, “that last night with you. I thought you were hiding behind a mask. Smiling. Untouchable. Was that how you were with him?”
Another hard swallow, and she nodded. He sighed and took her in his arms again, and then he kissed her mouth. “Thank you, then.”
“For what?” A breathless laugh. “For crying on you?”
“For not putting on the mask with me. I was so frustrated that night. I couldn’t crack the glass. I’d hurt you, and you wouldn’t even let me see.”
“It hurts…less,” she said slowly, “if you don’t let him see. It hurts less not to feel like he got to you. Not to feel like a fool.”
“Oh, Lily,” he said again. Helpless. “I want to see. Because I’m exactly like you, don’t you know that?”
“You are?” She rested her head on his shoulder, finally. “No, you’re not.”
“Yes. Why do you think I told you my snakebite story?”
He could nearly feel the smile. “Because it was impressive?”
“No. Because I have a brother who’s stronger than me. Braver than me. Tougher than me. I know what courage looks like, because I know Jace. I play courage, and I play toughness. I play a man whose response every time is to pick up and go on, one foot in front of the other, when he wants to quit. When he’s bleeding, when he’s exhausted, and all he wants is to lie down and rest, and he can’t, because somebody else needs his help. A man who runs into danger when everybody else is running away. Do you know what I realized, though?”
“No,” she said. “What?”
“I realized that when my brother was in danger and I could help, I did. Even though I was nine years old. I didn’t think about it, and neither did you. Nobody’s shooting at me, no. I’m not saving lives, and I’m not running into enemy fire. But when I saw it, I grabbed for that snake, because my brother mattered most. And I think you sell yourself short. Set aside that night. Set aside physical courage, because that’s only one kind. Jace would tell you it’s the easy kind. I think that picking up and going on is exactly what you’ve done. A soldier’s willing to go on, to face that fear down and move forward again and again, and you’re a soldier. You’re scared, and you go on anyway.”
“If that’s the test,” she said with a hint of a laugh, “I pass. Not much of a test, though. I haven’t felt like it’s a choice.”
“Oh,” he said, “it’s a choice. Of that, I’m sure. I’m guessing that Paige thinks she’s got a pretty good sister. I’m guessing she’s glad to have her twin, that she’s got somebody who’s there to the end. You’ve been focusing on how scared you were. I think you should focus on the way you jumped anyway. I think you should focus on the way you protected your sister. That night, and ever since. The way you didn’t tell her what happened between us, because you didn’t want to make things hard for her, because you thought she deserved her happiness. Paige may have a brave heart, but you’ve got something, too, and it matters. You’ve got a loyal heart.” He kissed her, soft and sweet, and smiled down into her brown eyes. She looked like she didn’t believe him, and his chest was so tight, it hurt. “A kind heart,” he told her. “A loving heart. And there’s nothing more important than that.”
Bailey turned into Lily’s driveway, saw Clay’s car there, and wondered if she should leave.
Lily had said she should come, though. She was supposed to take care of Chuck and dig up the weeds in Lily’s garden. Lily had showed her how two days ago. She was also supposed to pick the strawberries and peas and cherry tomatoes that were ripe, and to thin out the carrots. Lily had called Bailey’s grandma and everything, and her grandma had said yes. Lily had said she could eat as much of everything as she wanted, too. Bailey hadn’t ever had strawberries before, but she liked them a lot, even though they were kind of squishy. She liked tomatoes better, and she liked peas best of all. You opened up the pod with your thumbnail and scraped out the peas, which looked like green BB’s, and then you ate them raw.
Her mom had made peas sometimes, when she was feeling good, after she got paid and she got happy, but the peas came in a package in the freezer and didn’t taste all that good. Bailey hadn’t known they grew on vines and were crunchy, or that strawberries hid in the dark under the leaves, or that you could harvest carrots when they were only as big as your finger, to give the other ones room to grow bigger. The things that said “baby carrots” in the store, Lily had told her, were just big carrots cut down small, which was wasteful.Realbaby carrots tasted almost as good as peas, even though you had to wash them, because they grew in the dirt.
Plants were really interesting. Fruits were things that had seeds, so strawberries were fruit, and so were tomatoes, even though people thought they were vegetables. Vegetables were the other things,withoutseeds. Leaves and stems and roots. Carrots were roots, and so were potatoes. Lettuce was leaves, so that was a vegetable, too.
She let her bike drop beside the winding path up to Lily’s front door, which always looked like a fairy tale in a book, took off her bike helmet, wiped her hands on her new shorts, and looked at the house some more, but the door was closed. She went over to the goats’ pen, and they came running over, jumping while they ran like they were on a trampoline, because, Lily had said, goats were just silly on purpose, worse than Chuck. Bailey gave them scratches for a little while, but Lily’s door was still closed, so finally, she went up on the porch and knocked.
If Lily didn’t want her after all, she could always go home. Even though Chuck was here, and Chuck was supposed to be quiet, so he needed her to stay with him and keep him quiet.
Lily opened the door. She was dressed up fancy like always when she went to her store, and Chuck was with her. He had a big white plastic cone around his head, so it was harder for him to lick Bailey’s hand, and he wasn’t running like usual, but his tail was still wagging. Bailey came inside, dropped to her knees, and asked Lily, “Can I pet him under the cone?”
