Page 36 of No Kind of Hero
Her mother’s hand was at her chest. Another woman might have sunk into a chair, but Michelle Schaefer was made of sterner stuff. A couple spots of pink may have appeared on her still-smooth cheeks, but that was all. “I don’t even know what to say,” she said. “Do youwantto throw your life away?”
“Maybe.” That recklessness was taking her over again. She was skydiving, falling free, wondering if the parachute would open when she pulled that cord. “The one I’ve got doesn’t seem to be working all that well. Might as well try doing it differently.”
“The one you have is workingbeautifully.All right, you don’t have a husband yet, much less children, but if you set your mind to it and start making better choices, that will happen too, and you’ll have it all. You’re soclose.You’ve worked sohard.”
The last piece fell into place. Anothersnickof that lock. “No, Mom. I won’t have it all. My head isn’t smart enough. That’s what I’ve found out. I’ve got to go with my heart.”
“That is the absolute . . .” Her mom was lost for words at last. “That is . . .”
“Yeah. Probably. But I’m shriveling up. I’m drying out. I see it happening, and it scares me. No. It terrifies me. I’ve tried and tried andtried . . .”She was getting weepy now. “To do everything . . . right. My whole life. And Ican’t.I keep seeing that scoreboard, and I can’t even get it tozero.I can’t even get it topositive.I just keep . . .” Her chest was so tight she could barely breath. “F-f-failing.”
Her mother was staring at her as if she didn’t know her. “Are you about to get your period? Because, darling. Those are hormones talking. You? Failing? You’re anachiever.You’re awinner.”
“Yes,”Beth said.“Yes.They’re hormones. They’re me needing to be a woman. To be aperson.Not just a winner.” She shook her head in frustration. “I can’t say it right. I can’t explain. But Iknow.My heart’s been so . . . tight. Like it’s scrunched up into a little ball, and if I so much as poke it, aslookat it, it’ll break, and I won’t be able to fix it. And that terrifies me. I canseenow. I can see what’s wrong. As hard as it’s going to be—and it’s so hard, Mom—I need to smooth out that scrunched-up ball. I need to loosen it up. I need to let itgoand be . . . not perfect. And I need you . . .” She hauled in a breath. This was the most incoherent speech she’d ever made. She was a good speaker. Just not today. “I need you to love me,” she said, her voice breaking on the words. “Even if I’m not perfect. Even if my hair isn’t right and my nails are purple and my bra straps are showing. Even if I’m not a partner. Even if I fail. I need you to love me. Please.”
“Of course I love you. That’s not the question. It’sbecauseI love you that I have to tell you where you’re going wrong. Elizabeth. Listen to me.”
Beth shook her head. Back and forth, hard enough to loosen the pins that were barely holding up her hair. “I can’t. I justcan’t.And I want to take Henry. Please. I need . . . company.”
“Your new friends aren’t enough company?” Her mother’s tone was sharp, and Beth flinched.
“I have to go, Mom,” she said. “Can I take Henry? Please?”
“Of course you can. But darling. Stay for dinner. Let’s talk. You’re not being rational. I’m worried.”
“I will,” Beth said. “But not tonight.” She was already in the kitchen collecting Henry’s food, his bowls, his leash and bed. When she came out, her mom was standing in the same place. And for once, she looked like she didn’t know what to do. Like her foundation had been all the way rocked.
Beth knew exactly what that felt like. She set down Henry’s things and went to her mother. “Mom.” Her voice was gentle. “Can I have a hug?”
A hitch of her mother’s breath, and her arms came around Beth. Beth held her, rocked from side to side, squeezed tight, and let herself feel the connection and the love that she knew was down there, however deep. “I love you so much, Mom,” she said, the lump rising in her throat again. “I care about your opinion so much. Yours and Dad’s. It’s so scary for me to look into my own heart and see what’s right when I know you don’t see it. I want you to be proud of me.”
“Oh, sweetie,” her mother said, and her voice wasn’t steady either. “How could I not love you? You’re my baby. Always. But that’s why I can’t let you do this. This is amistake.Trust me. Don’t throw your life away.”
So close, and still a million miles away, and Beth’s tears dried, even though the hollow ache in her chest remained. “It might be all wrong,” she told her mother. "You could be right. But that’s why I have to try. I have so much more I need to do. So much more I need to be. I don’t even know what it is yet, but I know I have to do it.”
“And it’s housesitting at some . . . some . . .”
“Yep.” Beth stepped back and swiped at her eyes. “Some not-very fancy little place a long way from the lake, one that belongs to people who don’t move in your circles. Although I suspect you’re going to have to rethink Dakota.”
“We’ll see. Girlfriends aren’t wives.”
Now, Beth wasn’t touched. She was mad. “You think what you want. Dakota’s had the last laugh so far. I’d bet you my bonus that within a few months or so, you’re going tohaveto be nice to her, and so is everybody else.”
“Nonsense. I’m always nice.”
“No. You’re civil. You’re going to have to benice,because I’d bet money Blake is going to marry her. He bought her diamonds. He bought her aMaserati.He thinks she’s great.”
Her mother uttered the faintest of ladylike snorts. “Men buy women things. Certain women. He hasn’t bought her a ring, has he? How would you know how he feels? She moved straight in with him, I notice. You don’t like the saying about the cow and the milk, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still true.”
“If Blake needed to marry somebody to get her to sleep with him. Somehow I doubt it. Anyway, Dakota’s too smart to fall that hard for somebody who doesn’t think she’s wonderful. She’s way smarter than me, I’ll tell you that.” Her mother would have had something to say, but Beth didn’t let her. This was pointless. “And on that note, here’s something else for you. While I’m over there at her house? Evan O’Donnell could come in my window.”
“In your . . .” Once again, her mother was lost for words. “Don’t tell me.”
That giddy balloon was lifting Beth again. She’d said it. She’d done it.New woman.“Nope. He never came in. I climbed out.”
“But I put you on the secondfloor.”Her mother could hardly have looked more appalled.
“Evan was strong,” Beth said. “He caught me.”
