Page 34 of Estranged Heart
“Yeah.” She nods, sitting down in one of the empty chairs across from me. “I’d like that.”
“So how was Lisa?” I ask, standing up with two plates in my hands.
“Good. The new puppy is getting bigger every time I see him.”
“I bet. I should tag along with you next time.” I set her plate in the microwave first while placing mine on the stovetop.
“Yeah.” Her gaze drifts away from me.Liar.
The microwave beeps a minute later. “Why are you lying to me?” I pull the food out and slam the microwave door shut.
“What?” Her eyes bulge and her face goes stark white.
“Your sister said she hasn’t seen you in over a week. Where were you really?”
She shifts in her chair, scrubbing a hand over her face. “I’m sorry, Silas. I didn’t want to lie to you.”
“Is there someone else?”
Her brows rise. “Of course not,” she shouts. “I went to a hotel to sleep.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah. It’s been hard being home. Things are so different and I don’t know how to be here anymore. I didn’t plan on sleeping so long. Only napping.”
“You went there to get away from me?”
“It’s not . . . It’s not about me trying to get away from you. Only this.” She gestures around her, waving her hands in the air. “All the tension. How you never look at me anymore. How you never touch me or do all the things you used to. It’s hard to be around, okay?”
Frowning, I set her food on the table. “I’m sorry. I am. I’ll try harder.”
“That’s the thing. You never had to before. Neither of us did. Look, I don’t want to fight. Let’s just have dinner, okay?”
“Yeah.” I nod, pulling out a chair. “Let’s eat.” I eat my food cold and she barely touches her plate. She wanted to get away from me, and I try every day to get away from the life we’ve built together.
What does that mean for us? Where do we go from here? We were everything to each other once. Can we ever be that again? Do I want to be? Before, I was sure I wanted that, and now I’m not.
Either I was too sick to see things clearly before, or gaining a new heart really did change everything. We both ran to each other once and now we’re running in opposite directions. I do want to be here for her but I also want to be there with him, for me. My stomach twists and knots. If I was going to come back broken and so detached, why did I have to survive the surgery? Am I being punished for wanting a new heart so badly? Is getting everything you want supposed to destroy you in the process?
“Ready for bed?” She interrupts my thoughts, standing up from her chair and collecting our empty plates. “Or do you want to watch a movie?”
“We can do whatever.”
“We can watch a movie in bed, and if we happen to both fall asleep during it then we do. How’s that sound?”
“Sounds great.” Forcing a smile, I wipe down the table while she washes the dishes. We warm up popcorn, turn off all the lights, and dress comfortably before snuggling close under the covers. Halfway through the movie, she falls asleep with her face nudged into my neck and I turn to face her, sweeping fallen hair from her eyes.
I want towantthis again. I need to want this again. A husband should want his wife. Wrapping my arm around her, I drag her closer and she releases a soft sigh, pressing herself tightly tome. My eyes wet with tears and I close them, breathing her in, wantinghersmell to remain in my nose instead of his.
His scent is too strong and I can’t be rid of it no matter how much I try. I wanted a new heart for the both of us. To have a chance at living and to give her more time with the man she loves. Nothing about my new want benefits her in any way. What good does it even do me?
As I start to drift off, I jolt myself awake. Opening my eyes, I stare down at the woman in my arms. Staying awake will keep me with her, but if I fall asleep I’ll be in his bed instead, waking up with him as my last memory. I can’t control everything but maybe I can control this.
“Stay with me,”I remember her saying, when I was so close to dying.
I’m trying, but she’s right—it shouldn’t be this hard.
Fourteen
