Page 21 of Estranged Heart
“Sounds like someone I would’ve gotten along perfectly with.”
“Probably. You have similar humor and book taste. Landon got along with just about everyone.”
“He really sounds like a great guy.”
“He was.” His face drops a little. “This place wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for him pushing me so much.”
“I’m very happy it does. If I enjoy this book, which I’m sure I will, I’ll be coming back so you can recommend me more.”
“I hope you do.”
“Have a good rest of your day, Elijah.”
“You too, and thanks for stopping by.”
It didn’t matter what I’d chosen today—whether I stayed home to read, napped with Stacey, or left the house—I couldn’t get away from him if I tried. The worst part is, I don’t think I want to.
Nine
Silas
Bending my legs and gripping on to the sides of the tub, I lower myself into the warm water and close my eyes. I hold my breath for only a few seconds before I’m hit with a flashback of swimming in the lake while occasionally smiling and waving back at someone whose face is blurred by the harsh sunlight. My arms and legs move in the same rhythm, the outside heat following closely behind me.
“You’ll turn into a withered grape if you stay in there any longer,” a deep voice says and I quickly open my eyes, raising my head while gasping for air. My lungs and nose burn from the small inhalation of water. The bathroom door swings open and Stacey is wearing a worried expression, her brows pulling together tightly. “What happened? Did you have one of your episodes?”
“No.” I breathe in deep, each time painful as the next with my lungs feeling like they’re on fire. How long did I fall asleep for? Isthat what happened? Sometimes the random memories hit me out of nowhere, like dreams, when everything is too quiet and I’m alone for too long. They feel so real. Will they ever go away? Will mine ever come back? I guess it’s hard to have many when I haven’t had much of a chance at a full life. My best moments can be easily counted on one hand and they all involve Stacey. There isn’t much outside her. “I think I fell asleep.”
Her expression changes and she rushes my way with a towel. “It’s because you’ve been lying in bed awake all night, haven’t you?”
She knows. I didn’t have to text her last night for her intuition to kick in. She was always good at reading me and others. Can she spot my inner struggles, of sometimes feeling like I’m looking at the wrong person in the mirror or living in the wrong house?
“I’ve felt restless and too wound up this week. The doctor said that can happen with the meds.” He didn’t mention anything about me dreaming and thinking about some man I don’t know, or remembering moments I’ve never experienced before. I loved swimming as a kid, and took lessons with my cousins, but wasn’t able to put them to much use once I was diagnosed with a bad heart.
Resting a hand on my shoulder, she leans down a little, frowning. “Oh, babe. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time adjusting. I think I might be too. You haven’t been yourself since you got home and I know the doctor said that wasn’t super uncommon either. I only wish I knew how to help you.”
Me too. If only I knew how to help myself. “It’s okay. I’m sure it’ll all pass with time.” How much longer will I have to go on this way, though? Six months? One year? What if this is who I am now? I feel like a little of myself mixed with someone else. My hobbies have slightly shifted but that’s probably because I never really had any to begin with. I wasn’t allowed to play theflute like I wanted and eventually had to quit the swim team in high school. Running and sports were out of the question. Maybe I didn’t know who I was before and this is my way of finding myself. Being unhealthy for so long ruled over my life and I didn’t fully choose how I spent my days. A lot of it was me watching others live through a window or a TV screen.
“You’re probably right,” she finally says, offering me a hand to help me out of the tub. I take it, keeping my fingers wrapped around hers long enough to get my bearings. She wraps the warm, soft towel around me and kisses my shoulder. “If you need me to call into work tonight, I can.”
“You’re working at the restaurant this late?”
She shakes her head. “I already did my shift there. I’m going to the after-hours clinic where I’ve been working part time. Someone hasn’t been checking the calendar that I have up in the kitchen.” She tsks at me. “Not sure why I made it.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t good at calendars before the operation, so I don’t know why you thought I’d be better after.”
She laughs. “If you need me to stay here, I will. We can order dinner and curl up on the couch to watch a movie.” She rests her chin on my shoulder. I feel her eyes reaching out for me and I can’t remember how to reach back.
“No. Go to work. I’ll be fine. You should think about quitting the restaurant soon, though, because working three places is too much.”
“It’s only until you can go back full time. Do you think . . .” She pulls back a little. “You think your recovery is taking longer with my absence?”
“I don’t know.” It’s definitely not making things better.
Letting out a soft sigh, she glances at her phone and back at me. “I have to go. If you need anything—”
“I’ll call or send out an SOS.” I tie my towel around my waist. The worry in her eyes still hasn’t lessened. What have I doneto deserve her? She spends her days worrying about me and working to pay off all our bills, while I keep thinking about someone else. It’s fucked up and I can’t turn it off. I wish someone could tell me how to.
“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.” She kisses the corner of my lips and it’s more how an acquaintance would, brief and kind of stiff.
