Page 96 of Estranged Heart
He nods slowly, fumbling with the blanket in his lap. “Yeah. My mom said she’d take me to the cafeteria when she got back.”
“How about we go now instead?”
His chest rises and falls heavily. “Yeah, okay.”
I help him into the chair, neither of us saying a word. We don’t talk as I’m pushing him past the nurses’ station either. Waving us off after we let them know we’ll be back in an hour, the nurses seem happy to see him leaving his room and my heart hurts at that. How long has he been locked up in there? Is this his way of punishing himself? Does he no longer feel like he deserves to go out in the rain, and loathe getting wet like everyone else does?
I push him forward, looking around as we head for the elevator. As nice as it was to share a short, random conversation with him again, the silence is welcome too. I forget why I considered going home without seeing him first. Any scenario which doesn’t end in me being here, sharing the same air, no longer makes sense to me.
“Are you not going to ask me again?” he says as we stroll down the long hallway leading to the cafeteria.
“Ask you what?” I look down at him, missing those bright eyes shining into mine. He can’t fully meet my gaze and I hate it.
“About Stacey and what she did. If I knew. If . . .” His voice shakes. “I was a part of it all.”
“No.” My hands stiffen on the handles, heart thumping. “We don’t have to talk about any of that at all today. I think we could both use a break, don’t you? A little good to go with the bad?” I point to the chocolate cake next to all the drinks.
“Yeah.” I can hear the almost smile in his voice and the tension leaves my body, allowing me to step forward again.
“You can have cake, right?” I ask, while grabbing it from one of the shelves.
“A little. Maybe only a few bites. My mom snuck me a cookie earlier.”
I laugh, not missing his expression softening and shoulders relaxing. “I’ll make sure to eat more of it then. Chocolate okay?”
“Yeah. I’m not really a vanilla fan.” His nose wrinkles and I laugh again. Typical Silas, showing all his true feelings on the surface. Never holding back. I nearly forgot how refreshing he could be. All his quirks and straightforward answers.
I place the cake in his lap after paying, and grab the forks on our way to a table near a window. Moving a chair out of the way, I wheel him in its place, and he places his hand on the cold glass as if trying to touch the water on the other side.
Lowering myself into the chair next to him, I open the plastic lid and stick both forks in the cake. Silas reaches for his, taking his time picking up the smallest piece and bringing it to his lips. He moans around the fork and goes back for more, his sounds louder the second time around.
I miss those sounds, along with the pretty blush on his cheeks when he realizes he’s making them loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Sorry. I haven’t eaten much aside from Jell-O and popsicles since being here. They cleared me to eat regular foods yesterday but nothing they made me looked appetizing.”
“It’s hospital food. It tastes as good as it looks.” I chuckle and dig my fork into the cake, shoveling a larger bite into my mouth. Crumbs go everywhere and he laughs, swiping them away. The touch of his fingers leaves behind sparks of electricity. I almost lean forward to experience more.
When he realizes what he’s doing, he yanks his hand back, and I wrap my fingers around his wrist. Bringing his hand back to my lips, I press a kiss to his tips and his eyes flutter closed, his breath quickening.
Why did I try to stay away? Why would I want to when right now feels so fucking perfect. When he feels like everything in the whole world. It’s not that I can’t stand on my own, but more that I don’t want to when I can dance in the rain with him instead.
“Elijah.” He traces the seam of my lips, releasing a shuddered breath when I slide my hand down his arm, familiarizing myself with his skin.
“Yeah?” I answer, sounding breathless, needing to be closer, wanting to feel him say my name against my lips again. I no longer care what it means to want this man, because I want him too badly for anything else to matter. Yes he has my husband’s heart, and yes I hate how we were brought together, but we were brought together nonetheless. We’ll keep being brought together too, and I don’t want to fight the pull when the pain is greater when I do.
“Will you dance with me?”
“Here?” I run my fingers up and down the pulse point on his wrist.
He shakes his head, sucking air between his teeth. “Out there.” He faces the window and I let go of his arm, nodding.
“Yes.” Yes is the only word I want to use if it means being with him longer, remaining in a moment where we’re both free of all our burdens and pain. We have none of that with each other. All I feel right now is peace and comfort. He’s so much more than a distraction—he’s my home, and the only two men I’ve ever loved wrapped up in one.
As it turns out, I can be happy he’s alive and still hate Landon being gone. The truth is, they both deserved to live, and the only way Landon can now is through the person he saved. I have to hold onto the positive to keep the horror of the situation from eating me alive. And Silas is definitely not a bad thing to hold onto.
I close the cake box and tuck it in the pocket on the back of the chair, rolling him closer to the tapping sounds. I don’t stop walking until we’re standing outside and getting soaked in the rain.
When I offer my hand he laces his fingers in mine, and I slowly pull him to his feet. We stand still for a long time with our arms wrapped around one another before swaying back and forth. His steady breaths heat my skin as he buries his face in my neck. The wetness from the rain mixes with the warm tears from his eyes.
