Page 48 of Estranged Heart
“Fuck,” he says against my lips. “With anyone else this would feel too fast, but with you it’s like everything has moved in slow motion.”
The room doesn’t stop spinning so I close my eyes, resting my face on his sweaty chest. He smells so good, his musky scent so different from Stacey’s softer, sweeter smell. I inhale him deeper, rubbing my skin to his, still needing to feel him more. All the fucking time. The dreams don’t compare to having him in real life. “I really need to go now.”
“You’re still not moving.” He runs a hand up and down my back, pressing a kiss into my hair.
“I can’t remember how.”
“Then wait until you can remember again, and when the bad gets to be too much at home, come back to me for some more good.”
“What are we even doing? What does this even mean?”
He sighs heavily above me. “I don’t know, but it’s the only thing that doesn’t feel hard right now. I don’t have to pretend to be what I’m not with you. I just am. The smiles and laughs are real.” He hooks his fingers around my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. “You make me want to be here again. It scares me, though.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not ready to feel like I have something to lose again.” The muscles in his jaw twitch.
My phone buzzes and someone knocks at the front door. We both tense. “You answer that and I’ll see who’s at the door.”
“Yeah, okay.” I reach for my phone. He tugs up his jeans and tosses on his shirt, adjusting his clothes as he walks toward the front. I stare at Stacey’s name flashing on the screen before finally answering it.
“Hello?”
“Where are you, lover?”
I hate that damn name. More now than I did before. “Sorry. I had to take care of something at the flower shop.”
“Okay, well, hurry and get home to me. No more stops along the way either.”
“Okay. I’ll be there soon, I promise.” At least physically. I stare at the empty space where Elijah once was. Mentally, I’ll still be in this office smelling wine and books and being Elijah’s sunshine.
Nineteen
Elijah
Hungry and ready to be out of here, I turn off all the lights and grab my keys from under the bar. It’s been another long day of me waiting for my phone to go off and to hear new information about my husband’s case. I’m doing what they asked—letting them handle things. Landon would have wanted me to, and trying to take matters into my own hands has probably only made shit worse.
Yes, I ran into the man responsible for what happened to my husband on that boat, but I also let him get away.
Rubbing my aching eyes, I walk around the counter and head for the doors. My foot hits something as I’m exiting the store. Bending down, I pick up the smashed, wilting pink head of a carnation and run my fingers over the top before shoving it in my pocket. This has been here for days and I’ve somehow missedit along with life happening around me. I said no to going out for drinks with friends. I turned Jessa down for a lunch date, saying I was busy when I wasn’t, and I’ve gone straight home after working only wanting to see one person.
He hasn’t come by since the last time he was here. His wife hasn’t been back to work at the restaurant yet either. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to talk to her after everything. I’ve kissed her husband several times, had his cock in my mouth and used it to get off. Who have I become? I’ve gone from a grieving, angry widower seeking vengeance to some home-wrecking, confused, lust-sick mess, who still wishes my husband would walk through the front door of our home asking if I’ve had dinner yet.
I lock up behind me and get into my car, setting my new find on the dashboard. I stare at what’s left of the flower, pulling at one of the petals to bring it to my nose before driving home. Silas must have dropped it, and for some odd reason I’m keeping this piece of him with me. I can’t leave it behind, the same way I can’t stay away from him for too long.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know why my head is so fucked up lately. I wish you were here to give me those words of wisdom you used to offer.”
I squeeze the wheel, smiling down at the photo of Landon and me. Long silence stretches around me, stabbing at my ears. Unable to take it anymore, I turn on the radio. I’m tired of these one-sided conversations with Landon. Everyone I know says talking to loved ones you’ve lost helps, and at first it did. Then the silence stretches on for so long without any kind of response I grow angry and my heart hurts all over again. What I’d give to hear him talk again. To hear his laugh and have him tell me not to worry, that my next smile is just right around the corner.
You just have to keep moving, mi amor.
Yeah, my head really is a mess. I reach my house and sit in my car, not ready to be alone. The silence is way louder inside. Myphone buzzes and my heart jumps when I read the message from an unknown number.
Looking for a little good to go with your bad today?
Sucking in a breath, I slowly blow it out as I glance between the photo and carnation.
Me: Always.
