Page 46 of Estranged Heart
The dreams turned into nightmares the night before too, and I woke up as soon as a doctor wearing a blue mask started slicing down the center of my body. As real as the fear I experienced felt, an intense pain pierced my skin, shaking me to my core, and I woke up gasping for air. Stacey wasn’t there when I opened my eyes and I reached for the empty space beside me. She never is anymore, and it’s not her I was reaching for anyway.
Speeding up erratically, my heart slams against my chest when bits and pieces of my recent dream flash in my mind. Last night, I fought to stay awake and failed. More bad dreams came, and this time they were extracting more than my heart. Why would I dream about that? Why does my brain keep going to dark places, and why are the memories of them harder to shake after looking at Elijah’s husband’s obituary in the newspaper?
I know the answer, don’t I? Ignoring it feels better than embracing the truth. Because that would mean these butterflies and my heart soaring whenever I see Elijah aren’t because of me alone, and it’s possible someone else is still in control of the events taking place in my life.
“Taken too soon, leaving behind a loving husband,”it said, the words tearing at my heart. He was buried in the ground only a week ago after a horrible boat accident, and here I am parked outside his husband’s shop, watching him like he’salways belonged to me. Like I’m somehow deserving of being in Landon’s place, when I’m not.
They were each other’s everything. I’m nothing more than a lost man suffering some mid-life crisis, who walked into Elijah’s life during a time of despair. He was searching for comfort after having his whole world shattered before him, and would have found it in anyone. Can he feel Landon inside me? Is that what this all is? The both of them trying to find each other again and me standing in the way?
He doesn’t want me. I want to say I don’t want him but my heart and actions say otherwise. My mind, body, and soul do too.
Smiling from afar, Elijah carries a woman’s books to her car and waves goodbye before stepping back inside the shop. He doesn’t look for me. Has he before today? If so, when did he finally give up?
Taking a deep breath, I squeeze the steering wheel and glance in the mirror. My face has filled out, my cheeks aren’t looking as hollow or frail. I never thought I’d see myself like this. I didn’t think I’d watch myself exiting my car to be closer to a man I’ve only known a short time either. My shoes slam against the pavement as I increase my pace, searching for cars as I rush across the street. I don’t enter the store until the last customer leaves and Elijah is alone.
“Welcome to The Drunk Librarian. How can I—” His words catch in his throat when his eyes land on me. “Silas. What are you doing here?” he asks, tilting his head, and I hate how much space stands between us. It’s almost painful—the empty air gnawing at my skin.
“I just needed to be,” I say, my heart beating in my ears.
“Only today? You weren’t there to deliver the flowers. I thought something happened to you.” Setting down an empty glass, he steps closer.
“No, I . . .” I lick my dry lips. “I didn’t think it was right to go. I was worried I’d lose control and do something stupidly insensitive.”
“Like?”
The memory of his warm, irresistible mouth takes hold of me, causing my mouth to water at the thought of another experimental test. Only, I no longer need to test anything. There’s no doubt my body wants him—I want him. The desperation and agony spiraling through me tell me we’ve surpassed the wanting stage. What I feel is more of a need. He’s a beautiful, steady stream outside the rocky path of my life, and I’ve never been so damn thirsty.
My body reacts quicker than my brain as I shove him against a wall of books. “Like this.” Running my fingers through his hair, I seal our lips together. He doesn’t fight or go still like I expected him to. His body relaxes into mine and his tongue surges between my lips, sweeping over the roof of my mouth, urging mine to move with it. Rocking into him, I deepen the kiss, plunging my tongue inside his welcoming warmth, and my skin buzzes. It’s like time has stood still and nothing else exists or matters but us.
Our tongues go to war, fighting for control as our lips remain locked, and my heart flutters. We swallow each other’s heavy breaths and his hips dig into mine as our cocks grind together. Instead of alarms sounding in my head to stop, all I can think about is how much better this would feel with our clothes off. Heat spreads between my legs, and when my tongue dives back for more, he presses a hand to my chest. “Hold on. Stop.”
Too wrapped up in arousal and the way his body calls to mine, I keep smashing my lips to his, and he grabs at my hair, forcing me back.
“Silas. Look at me. Are you sure about this? The last thing I want is for you to feel like a bad person because of me again.”
“Yes,” I rasp. “At least right now.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good enough answer. This could possibly destroy your marriage and I’d hate for you to regret anything we do.”
“I’m not so sure I have much of a marriage left to ruin. I didn’t realize how lonely I’ve been until I met you, and when we’re together are actually the only times I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong. It doesn’t make sense. I know it doesn’t.”
Smiling softly, he strokes my cheek. “The good things in life never do. Landon and I didn’t make sense to anyone.” He chuckles and releases a soft sigh. “He once said to always take the good when it comes and never question it even if the timing seems off. Someone somewhere is sending it to you for a reason. Because they know you’ll need it soon.” He sucks in a breath before slowly releasing it. “It wasn’t until I was standing in that cemetery, telling him goodbye, that I really heard his words. I realized then how much I could really have used the good during a really bad time but you never showed.”
“You sure I’m a good thing?”
“The alternative certainly doesn’t fit, and this week was much harder to get through without you in it.”
Me, or Landon’s heart nearby? I still don’t know if it’s his for certain. If I never find out for sure then I can keep pretending this thing between us is real. That it’s me who wants him, and that it’s me he wants back.
“It was hard for me too. I . . .” My phone buzzes in my pocket, and when I look down at the screen, Stacey’s name pops up.
Stacey: I’ll be home in an hour, so you better be on the couch ready to watch movies with me all night.
I shove my phone in my pocket, my mouth going dry. “I have to go. I . . .”
“Shouldn’t be here. I know. But it never stops you anyway.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you around, Elijah.”
