Page 44 of Estranged Heart
“We found the car Hank was driving abandoned in a Walmart parking lot.”
Not the words I wanted to hear right now. The day is already bad enough as it is. I wanted better news than this, in hopes it would balance out the anger and frustration I’m feeling standing in the parking lot of the cemetery. “So that’s it? He’s just gone? I thought y’all were tracking him?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Pena. These things happen sometimes, and all we can do is wait to see if something else comes up. We are still searching the area, hoping he didn’t get far. Is the sketch you gave us the first time still accurate?”
“Yes. Aside from him having a bruise under his eye and a broken nose.”
He pauses before speaking again. “I made a note of the new descriptions. We won’t stop looking for him and whoever else was involved. If he showed up at the docks the other night, he might do it again. If you do see him, please call us before doing anything reckless.”
“Yeah, yeah I will.”
After getting off the phone, I take a deep breath and walk toward the crowd of people waiting for me. I slept like shit, hoping my phone would go off sooner than it did. I hate how right I was about truly gaining nothing from the other night.Maybe I really do need to sit back and let the cops handle it. What if all I’m doing is making it worse? They said they won’t stop looking, and while I’ll try not to take matters into my own hands again, I won’t ever stop looking either. I won’t be able to see them all behind bars, but I at least want the man who has my husband’s heart to suffer.
“There you are.” Landon’s mom pulls me into her arms, something she’d never done the whole time Landon and I had been together. “I know today is hard, but at least we can finally lay him to rest.”
Where has she been this whole time? Not helping look for him. Not calling to check on the case once. It wasn’t until after they found his body that she suddenly wanted to appear and be active in everything. Even in death, all that matters to these people is Landon’s money. His siblings are standing side by side looking at me with disdain in their eyes, one wearing a bright-ass pink dress. The disrespect of these people. They can’t behave for one damn day.
I slowly break away from her, my lips remaining in a pressed line. She doesn’t deserve my smiles, whether they’re real or fake. “Yeah. Thanks for coming.”
“Of course.” She forces a smile. “I wouldn’t miss my own son’s funeral.”
No. Only him graduating college, his wedding, and the opening of his first restaurant. It’s nice how it takes him dying for her to actually show up to something important. I wish she hadn’t come at all. If money is what she’s after, she can forget it. Landon left her nothing and that’s exactly what she deserves.
I give a curt nod and excuse myself, making a beeline toward the casket. The deep ache in my heart splinters across my chest and I remove a paper duck from inside my jacket to place it on top. “I’m sorry this has to be our last moment together. I’m sorry your life had to end the way it did. I’m sorry I won’t be able tohold you or kiss you awake again, because if I could, I would at this very moment.”
A shuddered breath escapes me and I slam my hand on the casket. “I hate that I have to continue this life without you. Sleep easy, mi amor. I know we’ll see each other again one day, and when we do, the water and sky will be perfect just for us.” A tear slides down my cheek and knots form in my throat as I choke on a sob.
Landon was sick but he still had a chance at living, and that person stole every single one. It was never theirs to take. If this person hadn’t needed a new organ, I wouldn’t be here now, looking down at a closed casket carrying my husband’s mutilated, burnt body inside.
A hand squeezes around my shoulder, and when I look back I’m met with a soft pair of blue eyes. A muscle twitches in Jessa’s throat as she forces her lips into a smile. She doesn’t say anything and stands there silently, being someone for me to lean on when I’m unable to stand on my own. We don’t take our seats until the service begins, and I can’t stop looking at the empty chair beside me, waiting for Landon to sit down and tell me this has been a joke this whole time.
It never happens. I watch the casket lower into the ground, and everyone says their final goodbyes while I stand here unable to do it again. Unable to toss dirt or roses forward. Unable to breathe. Unable to picture Landon’s smiling face as easily as I could before. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I knew this already but now I can actually see him disappearing beneath the dirt forever.
Eighteen
Silas
Entering the kitchen, I notice a note on the fridge, and coming to a halt, I pull the piece of paper free from underneath the heart-shaped magnet. Stacey has a lot of heart decor around the house. Does she think surrounding me in them would help make up for me having a bad one? Was it another thing to give me hope? Why am I questioning her so much lately when before I never bothered to? She was late because she was late. Work made her grumpy. Exhaustion and her fear of hurting me were the reasons for her sleeping in a different room the four years before the surgery.
Turning on the nearest light allows me to see the pink pen ink better.
Silas,
I won’t make dinner today. We’re short staffed again at the restaurant and Elijah asked if I could come in at the last minute. I’ll see you later tonight. Don’t wait up.
Love you, Stacey.
She’s missed a lot of dinners this past month. I can’t remember the last time we sat at a table together or when I last woke up to her in our bed. Elijah sure is needing her a lot lately. Is he at the restaurant today too? I’m better off not knowing where he is. I’ve been avoiding all his usual spots for over a week, not finding the same joy at the new places I went to instead.
Shaking my head, I fold the letter and shove it into my back pocket. At work I’d managed to keep my mind occupied with orders and ideas for flower arrangements, and I sang to every song the radio played on my drive home. Then I see his name on a piece of paper and he’s everywhere again. The need and want is back.
Saying it out loud is more satisfying, and each letter feels like it belongs on the tip of my tongue. No. I did say we’d be friends but clearly that’s impossible. I only said the words because the alternative didn’t feel right, and after what we did so close to the home I share with my wife it still doesn’t. My chest aches whenever I think about telling him to stay out of my life permanently, more than going behind Stacey’s back again. So I kept my distance instead.
What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel dirty like I should and my inner shame has lessened. What’s really strange is that Stacey’s starting to feel like the other person, not him. Nothing about my recent emotions has been logical so I can’t continue acting on them. Elijah’s not only filling more space in my head each day, he’s threatening to own all of my heart.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I bang my fists so hard on the fridge all the magnets jump. Slamming my head on the cool metal has them crashing to the floor.
After I pick them up, I take a hot shower. I keep my eyes open the whole time, because whenever I close them Elijah creeps back into my memories and I start picturing him stepping into the tub behind me, touching me everywhere. Fuck. Stomping my feet nearly causes me to slip in the tub and I grip the wall, pressing my face into the cold tile, feeling defeated. My tears blend with the hot water and I curl my fingers, digging my knuckles into the wall, my nails stabbing the inside of my palms.
