Page 26 of Estranged Heart
Twenty minutes later, I arrive at the lake. A picture of Landon and me in front of the water is taped to the visor, and I stare at it for a while, carrying our happy moment with me as I get out of my car. Leaving my phone behind, I walk out to the dock where I last held Landon’s hand, and I kick my shoes off. Rays of sunlight beam along the calm lake water. I smile, focusing on the beautiful view in front of me as I sit down on the edge of the dock, dipping my feet into the water.
“It’s always so perfect out here,”Landon used to say.“It’s like the sky and water knew we were coming, wanting to give us their best.”
It does feel perfect out here right now. Whether it’s true or not, I like to think the days where the weather is just right and the water is inviting are the days he’s here with me. The best ones are still being reserved forus.
Yes, something horrible happened here, but lots of wonderful things happened too and they will always be what brings me back.
Eleven
Silas
“What do you mean you have to work?” My gaze follows Stacey as she searches for her name badge.
“Someone called in and Elijah asked if I’d cover her shift.”
My heart speeds up at the mention of his name. “And you said yes? Elijah doesn’t have anyone else he can call?”
Seeing him yesterday took me by surprise. Stacey worked at his husband’s restaurant. At his restaurant. I was basically being held against my will—forced to see him everywhere. Unsettled and confused, I stayed mostly quiet, keeping my distance. The response my body had from being in the room with him and Stacey was both absurd and laughable.
I was standing right next to my wife but my heart was saying,“Look at him. Touch him. Kiss him.”
“I’m sorry, babe. I am.” She interrupts my thoughts. “But the restaurant needs me. We’re short staffed. Elijah hasn’t had achance to hire a new manager yet and Perry is shit at hiring people.”
She forgets, Perry was the one who hired her. She was only a bad choice because of me. All I do is hold her back and will only continue to add to her misery. Who knew a heart transplant could be a bad thing? What was supposed to be the answer to our problems has further shaken and wrecked our lives. Our house was already slanted and now it’s crumbling.
Sighing, I lean against the bedroom door frame and she squeezes past me, pulling her hair into a ponytail. Turning the light off behind me, I walk toward the kitchen, standing in front of her. Slipping on her shoes, she smiles at me, her big eyes apologetic. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Next weekend we can even camp at the lake if you want.”
“Next weekend? Are you sure you’ll actually have both days off?” A thought hits me seconds later. “Wait . . . I have a delivery to make on Saturday.” I don’t say who it’s for, and I’m not sure why, but bringing up Elijah’s name to her again feels wrong. Like he’s a secret I want to keep—from her and the world. Also, why hasn’t she mentioned Landon’s funeral? He wasn’t her favorite person but he was her boss. She hasn’t spoken of his death ever since the day she first found out about the accident, as if it was forever erased from her mind. We all grieve in our own way. Is that what she’s doing?
“Have someone else do it.” She interrupts my thoughts, grabbing her apron from the closet. “You’re not the only one who can, are you?”
“I’m the one who scheduled it. I just started working again and I’d hate to opt out of a delivery so soon. They might think I’m not ready to come back.”
“But you’re not.” She walks closer and reaches for my hands. “You’ve been so exhausted and distracted lately. You’re still having nightmares, aren’t you?” A sigh escapes her lips and shesqueezes my fingers. “All this pushing yourself to do more than you’re ready for is probably not helping.”
“I’m fine. They aren’t that bad anymore,” I lie.
Dropping my hands, she takes a step back, pressing her fingers to her forehead. “I wish you wouldn’t lie to me. This isn’t like us. I keep nothing from you and you keep nothing from me, remember?” Her inability to fully look me in the eyes is a little off-putting. Is she hiding shit from me too?
“I’m not,” I retort. “They really are better.” If I say the words enough, will they come true? God, I hope so. This morning I didn’t want to wake up, desperate to stay where I was—with Elijah on a living room floor in front of a fireplace, our naked bodies intertwined together. This is so fucked. My heart is fucked. My head is fucked. All of it. Everything.
Sitting on one of the bar stools, she rests her hands on her knees, leaning forward. “You were whimpering and fighting against the blankets in your sleep yesterday. It’s hard to believe you when the real truth is lying on the surface.”
“I wasn’t . . . I . . .” Blood rushes to my head and I rest my hand on the nearby wall in order to keep steady. She’s wrong. I wasn’t whimpering or wrestling with the blankets because I was scared. What was happening to me in my sleep last night was worse than that. So much worse. I was moaning and shaking from an orgasm. Cum was sticking to me and my underwear when I got up to piss in the morning. Never has that happened. Not as an adult or a teenager.
“Oh Silas.” The fabric of her pants bunches in her fists as she stares up at me. “If it’s getting worse you need to go back and see the doctor.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” What do I tell him? The truth or the next lie I’m about to say to her?
“I lied because I didn’t want to worry you, but I don’t think staying home will fix anything either. Lying in bed during theday certainly won’t. If anything, I feel better when I leave the house and when I stay busy.”
She swallows hard and gets to her feet again. “You did seem really good after coming home from the bookstore. The happiest I’ve seen you in a long time.”
“Because I was,” I reassure her. I was happy for all the wrong reasons. Some I’m tired of trying to figure out. “I promise I’ll go back to the doctor. I’ll see a therapist if I have to, but taking a step back isn’t the answer.”
Nodding, she places a hand on my cheek. “Okay. I only want to help you any way I can. I won’t pick up extra shifts next week and only work my schedule, I promise. I’ll go with you to your appointment too, if you want.”
“Thanks, Stace, but I can handle going to one appointment alone.”
