Page 12 of Estranged Heart
“Not these. They still feel like they belong in here.”
She takes a deep breath before speaking again. “Did you need help in any other room?”
“No.”
“Okay, I’ll help take everything up to the attic then.” As Jessa moves toward the boxes, my gaze follows her, and as she picks up the first one I slam the cooking tools down on the counter and step forward. “Leave them where they are. I’ll do it myself.”
Her eyes widen and she slowly lowers the box back to the table. “Okay, I’m sorry. I should have asked first.”
“It’s okay.” I take a deep breath and force a smile onto my face. “You’re only trying to help. I didn’t mean to snap, I just—”
She holds her hand up. “I know. I get it. I do. I was right not to worry about Landon the first weekend you two ran off together. No one took better care of him than you did.”
“Too bad not everyone feels that way.” Not even me. I failed him on the boat. I failed him in the water. The one time he needed my help, I couldn’t offer any to him. I’m failing him now too.
She narrows her gaze on me. “I don’t care what the cops think or what Landon’s family says. You loved him and were never capable of hurting him. Look how you are with his things. Exactly how you were with him—protective, gentle, and caring. What I do worry about is how closed off you’ve been. Instead of trying hard to convince everyone you aren’t to blame, you need to convince yourself first.”
My chest tightens. “It was my big surprise. If only I’d pushed harder for us to stay home, then—”
“Then what? You’d never leave the house again? It could’ve happened anywhere. Anytime.” Her face strains, anger clear in her expression. “You couldn’t have known and neither could he. What happened was a horrible thing, but what you’re doing to yourself isn’t much better.” Her eyes water. “Look at you, Elijah.” She throws her hands in the air. “You look like you haven’t slept in days. When was the last time you’ve eaten or taken a shower?”
“It . . . I don’t know.” I really can’t remember. I’m not sure how I got to this moment. I’ve been running on autopilot. I haven’t been back to work yet or to check on the restaurants. I haven’t stepped foot in my bookstore since opening day. I don’t know how to. Without him, it seems impossible. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to do everything.
She frowns, her brows lowering. “Oh, Elijah. I wish I’d known it was this bad. I should have stopped by sooner.”
“You had your own grief to deal with and I’m fine. I’m not your problem.”
She folds her lips inward, nodding. “Yes, but staying away wasn’t going to bring him back any more than you holding onto his stuff and delaying his funeral.”
“You know why I can’t have it.” My voice rises a little without meaning to. I glance around the room before looking back at her. “I’m not burying an empty casket.”
“What if they don’t find his body?”
“What if they do?” My words shake and I’m worried if I keep talking about this my feet will grow unsteady too. I can already feel myself losing grip on the ground.
“It’s been over two months. It’s time to lay him to rest.”
“We kind of need to find him first in order to do that,” I snap, my heart feeling as fragile as my words sound. Weak and on the verge of breaking.
She grits her teeth, shaking her head. “You know what I mean. He’s gone, Elijah. We all want to say goodbye too. The proper way.”
I scoff. “The proper way?” I raise my hands in air quotes. “You mean your way. I made a promise to him long ago that we’d be buried side by side in the same cemetery. I’m not going to stop looking just because you want to say goodbye to an empty casket.”
“No one’s telling you to stop looking.”
“You’re not exactly encouraging it either. It hasn’t been easy doing this all alone. I’m trying to keep two restaurants open, and I still have to look at funeral homes, pick out the casket. How does a person even know where to start with that? I just need a little more time, okay?”
“Okay. Look . . . I need to tell you something. The main reason Landon took you out that night . . . it wasn’t only to celebrate.”
“What?”
“We should sit down first before I continue.” She pulls out two chairs and I stand frozen, watching her closely.
“Tell me what?” My heart speeds up and the air suddenly seems too thin while I try not to think the worst. Will this explain all the money he was keeping from me?
“Please. Sit.”
“I’d rather stand.” Pressing my feet into the floor, I cross my arms.
