Page 41 of Sold Blood
I replay their desperate whines and moans from last night in my head, causing my stomach muscles to tighten. Their heavy breathing and animalistic sounds are loud in my head, as clear as they were last night. Heat rushes to my groin. My body shakes while I shoot my load over my stomach and chest. I lay here for a few minutes, catching my breath, with a mixture of pleasure and guilt running through me. I shouldn't be getting off to my friend and his husband, especially when they're asleep next door. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Mortified by what I've just done, I practically jump out of bed, quickly heading to the shower outside my room. It takes a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the bright lights when I flip the switch in the bathroom. I quickly shut and lock the door behind me, something I've never had to do before in my own house. I never have guests and the more I call them that in my head, the more wrong it sounds. I step into the shower, closing myself in the steam coming off the hot water. The soap forms suds all over my skin the more I rub it up and down my body, desperately trying to forget what I just did. What if they heard me? I was so caught up in my orgasm, I'm not sure if I made any noise.
Shuffling noises come from outside the door as I exit the shower and reach for a towel. I wrap it around my waist and pull open the door in a rush, suddenly on high alert. Every day I live my life preparing for the worst. Waiting for a loved one of one of the people I've killed to come barging through my door seeking out revenge.
It's happened before, so I don't doubt it won't happen again. It's why I've been alone all this time. Why put anyone else at risk? I've been followed in parking garages, cornered in alleyways, and held at gunpoint in my own car. As lucky as I was to get myself out of all those situations, I know it won't always be that way. I walk slowly through the hallway, keeping my feet light on the floor. As soon as I turn the corner, I nearly crash intosomeone and it takes me a few seconds to realize the person is Isaiah. He jumps back with his hands in the air and a smirk on his face. "Easy there, killer. I was only searching for something to eat in this place. No need to come out here ready to choke me with your towel."
I laugh, releasing a sigh of relief. "Sorry, I'm used to being alone and not having anyone else in the house."
"I've noticed," he says, lifting a brow. "All your cabinets are bare. Where is all the food at?"
"At the grocery store, I imagine."
He laughs, shaking his head and his gaze drops to my towel. "Well at least you have towels and lots of body wash, so you were partially prepared."
"Those types of items don't usually expire when you leave your house for months at a time. I can put in an order for groceries, just write down what you need."
He smiles, leaning on the counter. "We can worry about groceries later. I'll just go grab us some breakfast while Joey sleeps. He may be out for a while. He was pretty exhausted last night."
"I think we all were. Hopefully he's able to get some rest this morning without too many interruptions of his nightmares."
He frowns, staring down at his feet and that's when I notice his shoes are already on. "Yeah, I almost thought I was sleeping next to you again with all the jolting and whimpering in bed. I can't even imagine all the things he's been through over the past week and don't want to. It only makes me angrier at myself and I know how much Joey hates me blaming myself for things I can’t control. I still think I should have been there."
I hate how much Isaiah is beating himself up over this. Joey is right, there is no point in him punishing himself for something that was out of his control. It would have happened another day if he’d somehow managed to prevent it that time. I move closerto him and lift his chin up with my fingers. "Listen to me, you can't keep blaming yourself for this. You can't always be there with him, just like I couldn't always be there with you as much as I wanted to all those years ago, knowing you still had a target on your back. Sometimes these things are beyond our control and blaming ourselves never does us any good. It won't make him any safer than he is. The best thing you can do is be there for him during the hard days, to help keep the nightmares at bay. He needs you, Isaiah, and you've been giving him that."
He swallows hard with his eyes melting into mine. "And what do you need, C?" His lips are so close to mine, the heat of his breath tickles my lips. "Who will be here for you when the nightmares become too much?"
I take a step back, shifting my gaze from his. "I've been fine by myself all this time. All I need is myself."
"Seems kind of lonely. This is such a big house for one person."
He's right, it is, and there have been many days where I feel like I'm drowning in the large space. I know once they leave, the silence will grow to be too much, and I'll once again be overwhelmed by my own memories. "You know you don't have to worry about me. I've been doing fine all alone, I'm better off that way."
He steps close to me again, swiping his thumb over my cheek, striking my skin the way a match would a matchbox, causing a large spark. If he touches me again, he will set a full fire over my body and I will burn hot, needing to kiss him to dim the flame. "No one's better off that way and I could see the lie in your eyes the minute you said the word 'fine.' You always pause right before you say something that isn't true. You forget, I know you better than anyone, cabron."
I clear my throat, hating how right he is and hating that even after all these years he can still see right through me. "Youshould probably go get that breakfast soon. Joey will probably be hungry when he wakes up."
He chuckles, nodding. "Yes, he will. I like how I bring up my worries about you not taking care of yourself and all you can think about is making sure Joey doesn't go hungry. You do that a lot."
"Do what?"
"Worry about other people's needs before your own. How about you take a nap while I'm gone; you look like you could drop to the floor any minute." He turns around and opens the doors. Before shutting them behind him, he glances back at me. "You know I only worry about you because you don't and as long as I'm alive I'll always be here to spare you from the extra trouble." He smiles and walks out the door, slamming it hard behind him before I could respond back. Rubbing my eyes, I start toward my bedroom. A few cries from the guest room have me back tracking my steps and rushing to where Joey's tossing in the bed, crying with his eyes closed. I slide in the bed next to him, running my hands through his hair, humming a soothing song. "Shhh, I got you Little one, you're safe." Joey's eyes flash open and he blinks up at me a few times. "Carlos? What are you doing here?"
"Isaiah left to get food and I heard you struggling in your sleep."
His bottom lip slips between his teeth and his eyes water. "I, uh...had another nightmare."
I swipe my thumb under his eye, wiping away the tear gathering at the corner. "I know. They keep me up too sometimes."
"Maybe one day you can tell me what it is that keeps you up at night."
"Some things are better staying buried in the back of my mind."
"Do you think I should do that with mine?" His forehead lifts.
"I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. I was never good with solving my problems by talking it out. It only makes me feel like I'm burdening other people."
"You could never burden me," he says with a slight smile.
