Page 26 of A Different Form of Oxygen
“Gav…I…”
I jump to the end of the couch as Ben pulls his legs into his body, wrapping his arms against his knees. “I can explain.”
My eyes are wide with confusion; why would he hide this from me though? It made no sense. Is this some sort of game he is playing? “You and the angel from the strip club…you…are…”
He nods. “We are the same person. I wanted to tell you, Gavin, I did. I didn’t exactly know how. I tried to bring it up at the bakery but was hurt when you didn’t recognize me and didn’t know how to bring it up again. I kept hoping you would realize it on your own, but then we became friends. I knew if I told you, I may not get to hang out with you anymore and I didn’t want that to happen.”
I face him, eyebrows knitted together. It all makes sense now. The lilacs, Ben’s annoyance toward me that day in the library, and the way the angel acted like he knew me. I thought he was playing a role at first. How could I have been so blind to something so obvious. “So, you weren’t going to ever tell me then? You know how hard I’ve been trying to forget about that night? How guilty I felt every time I thought about him after spending time with you. I was beating myself up over it for lusting after some mystery angel I thought I’d never see again. Turns out you were the same person.”
The still silence in the room is unnerving. How did we go from smiling and laughing to this? My back rests against the couch. Still not sure how to process this all.
“I didn’t mean to keep this from you. I wanted to tell you every time. I did. I was going to tell you today before things went any further. I was scared. It’s stupid, I know. I’m so sorry, Gavin.”
My memories fall back to all those moments where Ben unexpectedly called me Papi, when he brought up dancing half naked for strangers, and when he showed me his lilacs. Then my mind goes back to the bakery when he kept asking me all those questions about the night before.
Man, I really was oblivious.
I was too caught up in my moments with Ben, I didn’t even try and connect him to anyone else. My gaze lands on Ben’s eyes, wet and pulling down at the corners and his devastation nearly breaks my heart. Did he think I was angry? I’m still confused as to why he didn’t just tell me. Maybe we could have skipped this whole dancing around each other thing, but then I wouldn’t have gotten to know him the way I did. We wouldn’t have built the friendship we shared. I would have hated to lose that. I still want him now as I did before. In fact, I only want him more. I reach for him and he jerks his body back, eyes full of fear. Does he think I’m going to hurt him?
“Ben, it’s okay, baby. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m more confused than anything, and I feel like a complete moron for not seeing it myself. But I’m not angry. Maybe I should be, but I’m not.”
Ben’s eyes meet mine again, eyebrows arching. “You’re not mad? But I kept something from you. I lied to you.”
I shake my head, reaching slowly for his hand. When he slips it over mine, our fingers entwine with each other and Ben’s shoulders become less tense. “No. I’m not mad. I mean, I do wish you told me sooner because it would have saved me a whole lot of going back and forth, but I’m happy it was you. At first, I was upset because I’ve had someone keep things from me in the past and it really wrecked me, but I can tell it wasn’t intentional and you didn’t really lie about anything. I wish you weren’t so scared to tell me.”
Between all the flinching, the scar on his hip, the numerous locks on the door, and his need to always have it locked almost has me wanting to ask him,Who hurt you? I knew it was probably best to let him tell me in his own time. I have to fight the urge to use my Dom voice and command him to tell me, but that wasn’t the right way for us to build trust and it wasn’t the right way to a healthy sub and Dom relationship.
My only focus now is to help him relax and to rid the uneasiness in his voice and the frightened look in his eyes. I remember having that same look in my eyes every time I glanced in the mirror tosee the damage my father left before I finally managed to flee the turmoil of his abuse. Every now and then, I still see those same frightened eyes. Even after all these years, that damaged part of me still exists, buried deep inside. The same way it is in Ben. Whoever built this fear in Ben is the only thing making me angry now.
I open my arms. “Come here, baby.” He hesitates. My smile and the leftover tension releasing in my shoulders have him moving against me. I pull him into my chest, still confused as to why he was so scared the first time I reached for him. His body relaxes into mine as I rub my fingers in circular motions on his back, face rubbing against my shoulder.
“So, we are okay?”
I lift his face by his chin, pressing a chaste kiss to his soft red lips. “We are okay. Is there something else you aren’t telling me?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
I nod, catching the way his voice trembles and the way his eyes can’t meet mine. Again, I don’t want to push him to tell me something he isn’t ready to share. “I guess I can understand why you didn’t tell me. It was nice spending time with you, getting to know a whole different side that not everybody gets to see.I don’t think that would have happened if you told me sooner.”
He smiles, fumbling with the cushion of the couch. “I liked getting to know you better too.”
Leaning in, I press my lips to his forehead. “You wouldn’t happen to have the angel costume here, would you?”
He laughs and it’s like music to my ears. I’m happy to finally see the frown on his face disappear and his strained expression from before becoming more relaxed. “Not that one,” he says with a sly grin on his face. Seeing that playful side of him again makes me breathe easier. The light is returning back in his eyes, his voice becoming more steady, and his body starting to lean further into mine like it was the most natural thing in the world.
