Page 45 of The Swap
Ben threw his head back and laughed and I breathed a sigh of relief that it had worked. “Why would you think that?”
“Because I saw you kissing a woman. The first time we worked together, she was leaving your studio,” I said weakly.
Coming closer, Ben reached for me again, but he refused to let me back away that time. His hands clamped down on either side of my face, holding me in place. Despite his firm grip, he tilted his head and smiled like he thought I was precious. “Sweetie, I’m bisexual. You of all people should’ve considered that as a possibility. Especially given your little fuck buddy.” His upper lip curled back into a sneer when he mentioned Samuel and his hold tightened around my face, fingers digging in painfully and I whimpered.
Hearing the sound seemed to snap him out of whatever place he’d gone in his head and he let go. Thinking of Samuel brought a different kind of pain to my chest. I remember him trying to fight Ben off, to keep him from getting to me. Then Ben had hit him, and he’d disappeared over the side of the bed. Was he hurt? He was probably going out of his mind trying to find me, just as I would be if he’d been the one who was taken.
I had to get back to Samuel, but first, I’d have to figure a way out of there. I needed to keep him talking. “I know you were upset about what Korey did to me, but you two never got along. Was there some sort of history there?”
Ben let out a long sigh, then turned and headed over to the windows. Pulling one of the shades up, he leaned his shoulder against the frame and stared out at the city. “You’re right. There was a history there and it wasn’t a good one.”
“What happened?” I asked, darting my eyes to the door. Ben hadn’t locked it when he’d come through.
“When I was a kid, I was bounced around from one foster home to the next. My parents didn’t want me, so I became a ward of the state. Every home was the same. They’d start out all nice, but eventually they’d start to realize I wasn’t as strong or as smart or as good at sports as the other kids there and they’d come up with some excuse to get rid of me. In high school, I never fit in. Guys beat me up for liking other guys and girls avoided me because they couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Hell, I didn’t understand it myself. I’d been looked down on my entire life, never quite living up to anyone’s expectations of me.”
Listening to his story with one ear, I took a tentative step toward the door. Just one, and then I paused, waiting to see if he’d catch me. My shoulders sagged in relief as he continued his story. “I’d always liked taking pictures. I got my first camera when I was twelve. Some skinny guy dressed up as Santa showed up at the foster home I was at with gifts for all us kids. I overheard him and my foster mom talking and he said he was from one of the local churches and bringing us stuff was part of their charity outreach. I didn’t care though. It was the first present I’d ever gotten.”
Keeping my eyes on him, I managed another two steps, then stopped to calculate the distance and how far I should try to sneak before making a run for it. I was pretty quick, but I had no idea how fast Ben was and I’d never had to run for my life before.
“I loved taking pictures. There was something peaceful about seeing the world through a tiny viewfinder that made it seem more manageable, less daunting. It helped calm the voices inside my head.”
“You heard the voices even then?” I asked without thinking. He glanced at me over his shoulder and I cursed my stupidity in drawing attention to myself. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t notice that I’d moved.
“I don’t like to talk about that,” he said firmly. I nodded my head; thankful I hadn’t been caught. He turned his head back to the set of windows. I was thankful that he’d left the shades drawn on the other windows or he would’ve been able to see my reflection and my escape attempt wouldn’t have been possible.
“Anyway, I got a job and paid my way through college, earning my Bachelor of Arts in Photography. A magazine saw my work and hired me. My career grew from there, making one connection after another until I was able to open my own studio and work independently. For the first time in my life, people weren’t looking down on me. They liked my work and they respected me. Then I met Julian.”
“Who’s Julian?” I asked. I’d only shuffled a few more steps, but it was enough that if he turned around, he’d be able to tell I’d moved.
“Julian was a model that came to me to have some headshots taken. He showed up at my studio with his agent, Korey.” I froze, mid-step as he mentioned Korey’s name. “He was fairly new to the business, but I could tell right away he’d go far. He was stunning, with smooth, flawless skin, a lithe body, and gorgeous blond hair. We worked together several times and I slowly got to know him. We became friends and I decided to take a chance and ask him out.”
I was happy with the progress I’d made, but I still was only halfway to the door. I needed to go further, but I was reaching that point where if I wasn’t careful, Ben might see me in his periphery. My heart was pounding so hard, I was sure he was going to hear it.
Ben’s voice sounded colder this time. “I shouldn’t have been surprised when he turned me down. Said he just saw me as a friend, nothing more. Of course, Korey walked in right then and overheard him rejecting me. I was humiliated, and Korey knew it. He made sure to pull me aside after Julian had left and remind me that I would never be good enough for someone like Julian.
“Something inside me snapped that day and the voice which had always been more of a whisper, suddenly began screaming at me. It told me that Korey was right. I would never be accepted because I would never be good enough. I took all the hurt and rage that I’d kept bottled up for years and unleashed it later that night in Julian’s apartment. He looked so scared and he stared at me the whole time like he didn’t understand what was happening. I choked him so hard, I nearly severed his spinal cord.”
I covered my mouth to stifle a sob as I pictured the terror the young man had to have experienced in his final moments. I couldn’t let the same thing happen to me. I fought back against the panic that threatened to take over and forced myself to focus on getting out of there. All I needed to do was make it outside and I’d run screaming until I woke the whole neighborhood up and somebody either helped me or called the police.
“Julian was my first,” Ben said reverently. It was clear that he was lost in the memory, so I took the opportunity to scoot closer to the door. Ben chuckled. “I was so nervous those next few weeks as I wondered if the police would show up at my door. I took to stalking his friends, so I could hear what was being said about his disappearance. But, as it turned out, I didn’t need to worry. Korey, being such an asshole, had been making Julian’s life miserable to the point that he’d been talking to his friends about quitting and moving to New York to pursue acting instead. When he disappeared, they just assumed that’s where he’d gone. Korey tried to cause a fuss, but they told him it was his own damn fault. No one ever did find his body,” Ben boasted. I thought I was going to throw up from the pride in his voice.
“The first time you walked in was like a punch to the gut. You looked so much like Julian, except his eyes were blue and he had long hair. The voice told me that I shouldn’t take any chances, that I should kill you before you had the chance to reject me the way Julian had.” My jaw dropped as he spoke about killing me as easily as if he were discussing the weather.
“Julian had always been friendly, but we never really talked about anything other than work. That very first day, I mentioned something about a shoot I’d done in Australia. You started firing off all these questions, wanting to know about the food, the weather, what my favorite thing was about the country. You were the very first person who’d shown a genuine interest in me beyond my photos. I knew then that you were going to be different, but I was still cautious, so I decided to wait and see.
“Each time I worked with you was more of the same. Even when Korey was being at his worst, you were always nice to me and wanted to talk. I felt myself falling for you, but the voice inside my head kept getting louder, telling me to get rid of you before you hurt me. I didn’t want to do that though. I wasn’t ready to let you go yet.”
I knew I should keep moving, but suddenly I found it impossible to move as I listened to him. I’d had no idea how close I’d come to death. One wrong move on my part, one sharply spoken word and he could’ve given in to the voice’s command and killed me. How easily could it have been my picture up on that wall at the police station. I might never have had the chance to meet Samuel. That last thought had tears swimming in my eyes and it took everything in my power not to give in to my despair. By whatever grace there was, I had stayed on good terms with Ben and I had met Samuel and I was going to fight like hell to get back to him.
“One night, I was out at a club. It had been a shit day and I was there to get drunk. There was this guy there; blond, skinny, cute. I was watching him grind up on some guy on the dance floor and then it happened. The voice started in, trying to convince me that it was you and you were just trying to make a fool of me by dancing with that other guy. I met him on his way out to his car that night and choked him behind the dumpster. I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn’t you but killing him appeased the voice. I was in love with you by then and I’d already decided I wasn’t going to let you go. I just needed to kill guys that looked like you instead. It was the only way to quiet the voice, but still keep you.”
Ben turned around then, the look on his face pleading with me to understand. Confusion swept over his features though when I wasn’t standing where he’d expected me to be. Knowing I only had seconds, I took off running. I’d managed to close the gap between me and the door until there were only a few feet left and I tore across the floor, literally running for my life.
Adrenaline surged through my veins as I raced to the bottom of the steps and flung the door open to his studio. The pounding of footsteps behind me told me Ben was right on my heels, but I didn’t dare look back, it would only slow me down. I sprinted across the studio and reached for the doorknob, screaming at the top of my lungs.
I was still running as I felt myself being lifted in the air. Before I could make sense of what was happening, I was tossed to the ground, my head cracking loudly against the unforgiving hardwood floor. Ben was on top of me a second later, his heavier bulk landing on me with a thud. The air whooshed out of my lungs and I barely had time to draw a breath in when his hands landed on my neck, his fingers circling my throat.
I tried to buck him off of me, twisting and turning underneath him in a desperate attempt to dislodge the hold he had on me, but it seemed to only enrage him more. His thumbs dug into the hollow of my throat and I reached up, clawing at his eyes and leaving bloody scratches down his cheeks.
“You were supposed to be different!” Ben roared above me. Staring up at him, his face purple with rage and his eyes wild with bloodthirst, I knew I was staring at the face of the Devil himself.
My vision began to darken around the edges and I could feel my arms going slack as my energy seeped out of me. I knew I only had seconds left, and while that should’ve terrified me, I felt a sense of peace instead. I’d always heard people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, but I’d never been sure what they meant, until that moment. Turns out, it isn’t your whole life, so much as all the very best moments from your life. At least for me it was.
Playing like scenes from a movie, I saw images of the very first time I saw Samuel and his blue eyes connected with mine. The way he blushed whenever I flirted with him, the deep baritone of his laugh and the way his lips felt when pressed against mine. The sparkle in his eyes when he was excited and the gentle look he’d get whenever I told him I loved him. The feel of him inside me, his arms wrapped around me as he whispered words of love in my ear.
The images never stopped. They continued, one after the other, bringing me a feeling of comfort and love as the last bit of light faded away.
