Page 6 of The Swap
I opened a bottle of red wine and then went upstairs to take a quick shower. By the time I got out, Gayle was already downstairs, so I pulled on a pair of sleep pants and a soft, cotton t-shirt and went back down to join her. Plates and napkins sat on the coffee table next to the pizza box and she walked in carrying the wine and two glasses. She smiled as she set them down and we both settled onto the couch.
“This was a good idea,” I told her as we each grabbed a slice of pizza. We made small talk as we ate, mostly about Brooklyn and how she sounded the last time she’d called home. We’d been relieved to hear that she was settling in just fine at school. She enjoyed her classes and had made several new friends, including her roommate.
When she’d finished eating, Gayle set her plate aside and turned to face me. She leaned her back against the arm of the couch and folded her legs up under her. She’d always been a beautiful woman and even though we’d grown older, her beauty still remained. She shivered, and I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, spreading it over both our legs. She thanked me, and then stared down into her wine glass, as if she wasn’t sure where to start.
“We used to be able to say anything to each other. I know things have been strained since Brooklyn left, but you can still talk to me,” I reminded her.
She gave me a grateful smile. “I’ve missed this. Missed talking with you. You’ve always been my best friend, but lately I’ve felt so distant from you. I hate it.”
“I’ve felt it too and it makes me sad. We’ve always been a team. We learned pretty quickly when we became parents that we worked best when we worked together,” I said.
“Do you ever wonder if that’s all it was though?” She spoke so quietly that if I hadn’t been facing her, I might have missed it.
“If that’s allwhatwas?” I held my breath, wondering if she was finally going to give voice to what I knew we’d both been feeling.
“If maybe we were just so scared, we had no choice but to cling to each other?” Her eyes flicked to mine and I saw a mixture of pain and fear. I reached out and took her hand in mine.
“I think we did what we had to do, and we made the absolute best of a very difficult situation. We both rose to the challenge and we raised an incredible child together,” I answered honestly.
Gayle and I had met at a party our first year of college. We were both from small towns, raised by families with old-fashioned values and we were free for the first time in our lives. We started talking and I thought she was one of the brightest, funniest girls I’d ever met. We had a lot to drink that night, too much in fact, and we wound up having sex. A few months later, we found out that Gayle was pregnant.
We were both terrified, but I promised Gayle that I’d take care of her and the baby, that she wouldn’t have to raise our child alone. We eloped the next day, shocking our parents who were furious. In a move that left us reeling, they told us we were on our own and swiftly cut all ties with us. They had since come around and were very involved in Brooklyn’s life, but at the time, we were very much all alone and it had left wounds in each of us that would never fully heal.
Everything seemed to happen in fast-forward after that. We found a little apartment to rent and both got jobs. Gayle took a break from college and got a job waiting tables until she got further along in the pregnancy and could no longer be on her feet all day. I took out loans and attended evening classes at the local community college while spending my days working in a factory.
When Gayle was forced to quit working, I took on a second job, but stayed in school. It was important to both of us that we be able to provide the best life we could for our child, and we knew having an education would help with that.
It was the most difficult time of our lives. We were scared to death, barely more than kids ourselves, and we were about to become parents. The stress of it all might have torn some couples apart, but it only served to strengthen the bond between us. Our friendship grew into a deep respect for each other and eventually turned into love. There was definitely love, but were we everin lovewith each other?
“Do you think you would’ve married me if the decision hadn’t been made for us by our careless choices?” Gayle asked. She stared at me with so much intensity, willing me to tell her the truth. I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. I never wanted to hurt her. She tilted her head and smiled softly.
“I can see the answer just by looking at you. You’ve always had such expressive eyes. I’ve always known just what you were thinking and feeling in any situation by looking into your eyes.” She squeezed my hand. “Would it help if I told you my answer would be the same as yours?” My breath whooshed out of me and I felt my shoulders slump.
“It would?” I asked weakly.
Gayle nodded. “Don’t get me wrong. Brooklyn is the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll never regret having her, but by getting pregnant at such a young age, I never got to explore all the things I’d always wanted to do with my own life. I’m sure you had to have felt the same way.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t trade our daughter for the world. She’s my heart, but there were things I would’ve done differently if she hadn’t come along,” I admitted.
“See, you said it right there.She’syour heart, not me. The decisions you made were because of your love for her, not a burning need to be with me,” Gayle pointed out.
“I do love you though.” My words had a defensive edge and she held her hand up to stop me.
“I know you love me. I’ve never doubted that, and I love you too, but I think we can both admit that neither of us is in love with the other.” She arched an eyebrow at me, daring me to deny her words.
I wanted to deny them. I wanted to tell her that she had it all wrong and that I was in love with her and could make her fall in love with me too. It would be so much easier and safer if we both just went back to pretending and lived out our lives in comfortable peace. I was nearly forty years old and the prospect of having to start over, of being single and trying to date again, filled me with an anxious dread.
But I couldn’t bring myself to say those things. Gayle and I may not have been in love, but we did care for each other and we had built a solid relationship that was based on honesty. We’d done the right thing all those years ago and we had an incredible daughter to show for it, but things had changed when Brooklyn left for college.
We would always be her parents, but our everyday responsibilities toward her were no longer there. The time before us was ours again and we could do with it as we chose. Something sparked inside of me with that thought and my anxiety was replaced with anticipation over the possibilities.
“Yes, you’re right,” I answered carefully. She smiled at me then and I could see the relief in her eyes and a glimmer of something else and I wondered if she was feeling the same excitement I was.
“So, what happens now? Do we separate? File for divorce?” I asked. I felt an ache in my chest, but not the kind of pain I always thought I’d feel if the two of us ever split up. Perhaps it was because we both were in agreement about things. No one was getting their heart broken like what happened with so many other breakups.
“Let’s take it slowly and play it by ear,” Gayle suggested. “I think we should take the time to figure things out for ourselves before we say anything to Brooklyn.”
“I think that’s best. She’s settling in well at school and I don’t want to mess that up for her,” I agreed.
“I don’t know about you, but I only went on two dates in high school and then I met you. The idea of going out on a date is a little overwhelming,” she admitted.
I puffed out my cheeks and released a breath slowly. “Yeah, it makes me a bit nauseous to think about being in the dating pool. I definitely don’t want to do one of those dating sites. I refuse.”
Gayle laughed at the expression on my face. “Well, I have an idea. Something that could be fun, and we can go together, kind of like a buddy system of sorts.” She bit her lip as she stared at me.
“What is it?” I asked, immediately intrigued by the gleam in her eyes.
“Have you ever heard of a swap party?”
