Page 29 of The Swap
“If you tell me which parts you don’t understand, maybe I can help you make sense of it,” I offered.
“All of it?” she responded, letting out a humorless laugh. “No, I think I understand about you and Mom not being in love, but was it always that way? Were you each just going through the motions all these years?”
“Yes and no,” I told her. I went on to explain when she shot me a confused look. “Yes, it was always that way, in the sense that we’ve never been in love with each other, but no, we weren’t just going through the motions all these years because neither one of us realized that we weren’t in love. Neither of us had ever really dated much before each other so we had nothing to compare it to. The only thing we knew was that we were happy. Happy with each other and happy being your parents.”
“So, what changed? What made you figure out you weren’t in love?”
“I don’t know that there was a definitive moment. I think the closer the time came for us to let you go, the more we started taking stock of our own lives. We started thinking about all the things we hadn’t done yet and where we saw ourselves five, ten years from now and neither of us were able to see the other in that picture. At least not as anything more than close friends,” I explained.
“So, if I’d stayed home, this might not have happened?” My head whipped toward her, shocked that she would even think such a thing and saw her eyes swimming with tears. I stopped walking and pulled her into my arms. If she wanted to push me away, I’d let her go, but I couldn’t just stand there and see my daughter hurting without reaching out for her. She didn’t hug me back, but she didn’t push me away either.
“That is the farthest thing from the truth. You had nothing to do with our splitting up and even if you hadn’t gone off to college, you would’ve left eventually anyway, and you were supposed to. It’s our job as parents to raise you to be the best person you can be and then let you go out into the world, so you can make it a better place.”
I heard her let out a ragged breath and I wondered how long she’d been holding that in. She pulled away from me and we resumed our walk until we came up to a bench. I motioned to it and she nodded so we both sat down, looking out over the water.
“It’s going to take some time, but I think I’ll be able to wrap my head around why you and Mom are getting divorced. The thing I’m having the most trouble with is the part about you being bisexual,” she said flatly, and my heart sank to my stomach like a lead balloon.
“What do you mean? Does it bother you that I like men?” I asked softly. She turned to look at me and I held my breath as I waited for her answer. I didn’t want to make things worse between us, but now that I’d figured that part of myself out, I couldn’t just push it away as if it didn’t exist. I wouldn’t.
Her mouth dropped open. “Oh my God! No, of course not!” she exclaimed. “Dad, I’ve got lots of friends who are members of the LGBT community. In high school, I was part of the gay/straight alliance, remember?”
“Then I don’t understand. Why is that the part that you’re having the most trouble with?”
She sighed like the answer should be obvious. “I don’t care that you like guys. I care that you lied to me about it. I thought we could talk about anything, and now I find out you’ve been keeping this massive secret from me. And I don’t know if I’m more upset by the fact that I feel like I don’t know you, or the thought of you feeling like you had to hide your entire life.”
“Honey, you’ve got it wrong. It wasn’t like that at all,” I interjected.
“Then please, explain it to me.” Her blue eyes were wide as she begged for me to make her understand.
I reached for her hand, thankful when she didn’t pull away. “The first time I realized I might like guys was in eighth grade. I had this English teacher. Mr. Lasseter was his name and he had these eyes and this smile that just drew me in. Then, in high school, I’d catch myself checking out the other guys. I was confused and didn’t really know what was going on because I still liked girls and thought they were pretty. But I noticed that while all my friends were talking about girls, none of them ever mentioned that hot new boy that had just moved to our town or the way the baseball coach’s pants fit just perfectly when he bent down to tie his shoes.”
Brooklyn gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand. “Back then, people didn’t talk about being gay all that much and I’d never even heard of the word bisexual. It would’ve helped explain an awful lot if I had, but even if I’d known, I never would’ve been able to tell anybody in that little town. I wasn’t even sure if I really liked guys or not. All I knew was that I wasn’t quite the same as everyone else.
“I kept quiet all through high school, but I decided that once I got to college, I’d find out what was going on, one way or another. Before I ever got the chance though, I went to a party and met your mom and you know what happened from there.” I held my hand up to stop her as she opened her mouth, already anticipating the conclusion she would’ve drawn from my story.
“No. Do not even think that it was your fault in any way, shape or form. Your mother and I made our own decisions that night and those decisions had consequences. Beautiful, wonderful consequences that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I was telling you the truth when I said you were my biggest joy.” Tears were streaming down her face at that point and I reached over to wipe them away.
“I never regretted my decision to marry your mom and raise you. I still don’t. But it also meant that I had to put my own life aside and create a new one; one that included being a husband and a father. I was never miserable, and I never felt like I was hiding anything, because I wasn’t even sure what I was really feeling to begin with. Plus, I still liked girls and your mom was quite the looker. Still is.” Brooklyn gave me her first genuine grin when she heard that.
“So, I’m assuming something happened to make you sure. I mean, you seemed pretty sure when you told me.”
My face colored a bit and her eyes grew wide. “Who is he? I want details. I mean, notdetails, details because ewww! But tell me!”
I couldn’t help but smile at her excitement and I felt like a five-ton weight had been lifted off my chest. I took a deep breath, feeling my lungs fully expand for the first time since we’d left to go to the airport. It was in that moment that I knew we were going to be okay.
“His name is Oliver…”
