Page 75 of Cast in Shadow
Not true. I just wanted another taste. That was how it always was with him. Once I gave in to my need, I craved a little more. And a little more. Until my need for him was clawing at me.
So, yeah, maybe he was right. He made me feel out of control, like some untamed version of me was holding all the cards of my life. If he nudged me just right, she would gleefully pitch the deck into the wind and watch with a wicked grin as everything scattered.
In the beginning, that had been a heady feeling. Exhilarating.There was no limit to how much I could feel. There was no drink or drug or magic that could come close to matching that high, and even though I knew I was riding the edge of ruin, I couldn’t have stopped even if I’d wanted to.
In the years since, I’d gone the other way. I learned to bottle everything up and bury it away, only letting enough emotion seep out to keep myself from going crazy. It wasn’t a perfect system by any means, I still lost my temper or broke down in tears in the privacy of my own shower every now and then, but I was still here. Still standing. That was what mattered.
Only now, the tingle of excitement that told me I was on the verge of careening into chaos was back and stronger than ever, and with it came the kind of powerlessness that could cripple me if I let it.
An answering vulnerability echoed through my connection with Emerson.
“Please tell me I’m not making a huge mistake,” I whispered.
Maybe it wasn’t fair to put that on him after the way he’d opened up to me, but I wasn’t sure I could trust my instincts anymore. One second, my brain was telling me to flee while my heart ached for a love I’d never truly escaped. Then, with my very next breath, they traded places.
He pressed his lips to my hair. “Does it matter?”
His earlier words came back to me, only now they felt heavier.A tree doesn’t choose the shadows. It grows in darkness because it can do nothing else.
After finally seeing what he felt for me, feeling the force of it coursing through me, I seriously doubted I would have the resolve to stay away from him again. Even if my life depended on it.
His lips brushed my forehead. “I have learned a thousand languages through the eons, and I still can’t conjure the words to truly express what you mean to me. No stumblingdeclaration of love could ever measure up to the way meeting you altered my very existence.”
Tears blurred my vision, and I let them fall. It wasn’t just his words that cut deep. He wasn’t holding anything back internally either.
I’d spent a hundred and thirty years thinking I was alone in my misery. Realizing he’d been swallowed up by the same yawning sadness was a balm to my soul, even as it broke my heart all over again.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice hitching.
“Don’t do that.” Rough fingertips trailed down my back. “What happened back then was my fault. I thought I was protecting you by putting distance between us after the others found out how powerful you’d become. But I was so wrapped up in keeping you safe that it never even occurred to me that you might not feel safe with me.”
A weak laugh bubbled up my throat. “You were terrifying.” I’d meant it as a tease, kind of, but he wasn’t amused.
“Am I still?”
I thought about my answer for a long while before I finally confessed, “Yes, but for different reasons.”
He shifted us on the bed, laying me on my back and settling his big frame between my legs as he loomed over me. He was already hard again, and that hungry look in his eye told me I was in for a long night. “Is this one of the reasons?” he murmured, kissing his way down my body.
He knew it was. I’d left my walls down while I sorted through my feelings, so he knew the way I craved him, the way I needed him, frightened me. It was visceral. Violent. Desperate. When he was close, he clouded my thoughts, and when he touched me?—
His tongue raked up my center and my thoughts scattered like marbles spilling onto a wooden floor. He licked and nippedand sucked until my throat was raw from my screams and my knuckles throbbed from gripping his hair, the sheets, his shoulders. And when he’d had his fill, he sank into me again, slow and deep.
We didn’t talk. There was no need when our connection was wide open. And when we both climaxed again, it was like we were sealing some silent promise.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I blinked awake, with Emerson’s warm body cocooning me, the orange tint of dawn was peeking through the windows.
It didn’t feel real.
I pinched the inside of my arm to be sure, and yep, I was awake. I wasn’t wrapped up in yet another dream that would leave my heart bruised for days.
When I tried to ease out from under his arm, his grip tightened, and he pulled me back flush against his chest. “Stay,” he growled.
Gods, how I wanted to. I hadn’t felt this kind of contentment… ever. Not even the first time we were together. But things were different now.
“If I don’t head back soon, my people will start to worry. You don’t want another tactical team crashing into your living room, do you?”
His dark chuckle sent a shiver through me. “Let them come. I have nothing to hide.”
