Page 33 of The Scarred Duchess Deal
Tessa lifted her eyes to his warily. “I am not the sort of woman who will suffer a husband to be miserable in a marriage that he does not want.”
There it was. Tessa felt as if her heart had been pulled from her chest and hovered in the space between them. She meant every word. While she had given up on the concept of marriage, the ideal version of what marriage might look like from when she was a girl would not leave her mind, and she did not know – if shewasto be married – if she would be capable of settling for less.
Leo lifted a hand to brush his knuckles over Tessa’s cheek. “I was coming to tell you that I love you. I cannot imagine a more perfect Duchess for me than you. There would be none other than you.”
Her heart slammed back into her chest with such force it stole her breath. A smile spread across her features until she could stand it no longer. But before she could throw her arms about his neck, he spoke again.
“But.”
One word. Just one word and her hopes came crashing right back down. How could one word hurt so badly?
“But I am not the only one who needs to enter into this agreement with my eyes open.” He squeezed her hands affectionately and tried to hurry through what he knew needed to be said. “I will not have children. I will not be able to give you that.”
Tessa pressed her lips together firmly to keep from reacting. She swallowed down her comments as the weight of his confession settled in. A marriage without children? A family like her own had been one of her fondest dreams. It had been something she wished for more than anything in the world.
“Is that truly something that you would be able to live with? Would you be truly happy in a marriage like that?”
Tessa looked down and took a step back from him. It did not matter what she could or could not live with. Her future was already set. She did not wish to end their conversation on such a heavy note. Instead, she changed the subject. “I suppose that we will have plenty of time to solve the mystery of what happened to my brother when we are wed. Uncle says that we are to leave at first light. He told me that your grandfather has applied for a special license to have us married before the week’s end.”
Tessa knew that if she said another word that she would say something she could not take back. She needed time to process what he had said.
“I must go before they notice my absence.” She curtsied formally and excused herself from his bedroom without meeting his gaze a second time. She could not force herself to do it. She felt as if her heart was both so full to bursting with the knowledge that he loved her and breaking into small pieces with the knowledge that the future she desired most would never be a possibility for her. She could not reconcile the two.
* * *
A week of sleepless nights passed painfully slowly for Leo. Yet the wedding seemed to happen so quickly it felt almost as if it were little more than a fever dream. He could remember standing at the altar to speak his vows. He could remember the ceremony, but the carriage ride to the family Manor he would now share with Tessa was painfully awkward.
Another week of painful silence passed before either one could summon reason to speak to the other about anything more than passing pleasantries.
“Good night, Your Grace,” Tessa said softly as they stood in the middle of the hall that separated the master suite from the one where she had been sleeping. She had not yet joined him in his bed, and he was not going to force the subject either, no matter how badly he wished to find a bridge for their present discomfort.
But he had to do something. He could not allow this to continue. It felt as if the prophecy of marital misery laid out for him by his mother was coming true. The curse of unhappiness was the result of him breaking his word and taking a wife. He could endure it no longer.
“I never wished to live in my father’s home,” he blurted out.
It was enough to stop Tessa in her tracks. She turned to face him with a curious expression. “What?”
“Here. This home. I never wished to live here.”
“Is that something that I am supposed to apologize to you for?” Tessa’s head tilted to the side questioningly as she tried to determine whether or not she ought to be offended by the statement.
“No. What I mean is… what I mean to say was that this was never a part of my plan.”
“I do not understand.”
“Forgive me. I know that my words are not coming out in the way that I would wish them to, but I cannot stand this tension between us. Surely you must tire of the avoidance? Of attempting to skirt around one another? I suppose I am trying to express that while I never intended to live here, I do not regret it.”
Tessa still did not grasp his meaning. “Ah, well… all right then.”
“Do not go.”
“Is there something else that you wished to say to me?”
“Yes… no… I would like your company. Perhaps, if you will indulge me, I could try to explain?” He pointed down the hall to the master bedroom. He knew that it likely seemed like a ploy to get her into his bed. Not that he would complain should things end there.
“Very well… but I am most tired,” Tessa said as she walked down the hall, tightening her dressing gown around herself as she did so.
“I understand. It was cruel of me to say that I could not have children and not at least attempt to explain why that is so.” Leo gestured to the settee and sat beside her once Tessa had taken her place. “My mother and I were always very close. I suppose that is only natural for a mother and son when the father is such a deplorable human. As I have indicated before, he was not a kind man. These walls do not hold any happy memories for me. When I was only six-and-ten my mother lay in that very bed–”
